My mom, mid 70s, seems to be making dangerous decisions and I’m not sure what to do. Like going out when it’s icy, but she just healed from a break, for something random not essential. Or before she was having issues seeing but still went out. Not understanding covid and things like washing hands and sanitizer. When I try to reason with her she just gets stubborn and then ignores the topic. She tells me that she can do what she wants but these are risky behaviors. And guess who gets called when there is a problem. On top of that I’ve caught her in so many lies. I can’t be there every second but she seems willfully to do these things that lack common sense. Some of the things could also put other family members at risk. I don’t know what to do. Like she insists I take time off to drive them places when at the same time she’s sneaking off on her own. Any advice?
One day, after promising me she was staying in all day, she crossed a very busy main street and went to Walgreens, after I purposely TOLD her I was going there to pick up her prescriptions. So you can imagine her shock & horror when someone tapped her on the shoulder in Walgreens later that day. She turned around and saw ME standing there, not in a very good mood, either. "What are YOU doing here?" she wanted to know. I had a better question, "What are YOU doing here mom?" She nervously laughed.
That was the beginning of the continuation of a very strained relationship between she and I. She's now 94 and living in Memory Care. So you could say that she was starting down the dementia highway back then, or, you could say that she has always been a stubborn ox with a penchant for compulsive lying.
She'd also insist on going for 'nice long walks' in a neighborhood she was unfamiliar with, alone, with no ID, no cell phone or medical alert button or any way to call for help if she needed it. And had bad neuropathy in her legs even then. My poor father would worry himself sick every time she did that, which was often. There was no reasoning with her, no talking to her, in fact she'd laugh in his face when my father begged her to stop going on those walks.
The moral of the story is this: you can't save a person from herself.
Something will probably happen one day to remove your mother's power of choice, and then she will wind up placed somewhere she doesn't want to be because she's made one too many unwise decisions and refused to listen to reason once too often. The hospitals are full of those people and so are rehabs.
Unfortunately, YOU are the one to pick up the pieces of the messes she is likely to make, as I have been all my life. THAT is the irritating part. Waiting for The Phone Call. And hoping for the best.
The more info the better advice you will get. FWIW I also have a mom who engages in risky behavior and tells me she can do what she wants. You are not alone, many here get it believe me!
Then let her speak.
Then, basically, it is over. You have done what you can. And these things are self limiting in that her choices will dictate what the outcome is for her life.
You cannot change people.
If you are speaking about dementia and an inability now to be safe alone, and safe in making her decisions, then she may need to go into care, where these decisions will be made for her.
There were layers and layers of issues with my mother that prevented me from helping her or even communicating with her. If you have had a good relationship with your mother then you can try to have a come to The Lord meeting. You can call her out when she is not being truthful: “Mom that’s not true and that won’t work.” You can tell her that you are not going to support certain decisions. Keep it simple when talking to her like, “that’s not working for me (like if she wants you to leave work to do something that negatively impacts your time and job), you need to think of another way.” “Mom you are putting me and my family at risk and I won’t have any part of it - what are your other options.” Sounds tough but this may be just the beginning of a long battle.
Someone on his forum suggested trying to get her to her doctor and that would be a good way to start if she will agree to go. Early intervention can help. No one would give me a diagnosis of dementia (or anything for that matter) until she was placed in an ALF and was seen by a new doctor and specialist.
I am glad you are taking some action and finding some help in the beginning of it all. So many others on this forum, including me, are armpit deep. You need to first set boundaries for your own and your family’s well-being. I would not move her in with you or quit your job to be a full time caregiver. Just saying. You need to have some mastery over the situation and not let it run you ragged. I tried to step in many years ago and it was so stressful I ended up in the hospital myself.
Unfortunately for my mother I had to cut off contact, wait until she was sent to the hospital several times and her finances were in a mess. And sometimes that’s is what it takes. I am not trying to paint a bleak picture here, I’m just trying to share that with some parents it’s not an easy journey. Start reaching out for local resources now and make sure all her paperwork now in order. Keep us posted.
I chose where & who I could safely visit through the pandemic. (It did not include relatives that didn't wash their hands/wear masks when out).
She would pull all kinds of stunts when she was alone for any length of time: using knives to open packages (she was on blood thinners), unnecessary trips up and down basement stairs (she was a severe fall risk even on a "good" day), deciding she "had to" put up Christmas lights outside (she did have a fall from this), routinely having long conversations with scam telemarketers (I'm sure she gave up info that she should not have), letting strangers into the house, making unnecessary car trips as well (long after her driving ability had started to come into question).
Regarding the driving in particular, I didn't think I could successfully get her license revoked so I decided that I would make as many trips for her as possible so that she would have less of a reason to drive and would not be on the road as much. Nice theory? She STILL came up with the same number of "reasons" why she had to drive here and there, so all that I did for her was just on top of that.
After a long and painful caregiving experience (there were a multitude of health issues on top of her poor judgment), she had an unwitnessed fall - which we believe involved a loss of consciousness. She went to the hosp and to the nursing home permanently after that. What led to that final fall at home? She told us she remembers looking for something which was stowed away somewhere & she fell trying to get it. She had a helper in the morning, another in the afternoon, and someone was coming back in the evening. WHY she did not wait for a helper to come and search for this missing item is beyond me. Unnecessary, reckless behavior cost her what was left of her independence. She's still that same person now that she's in 24/7 care, but she's falling less and general safety is much better. I would have loved for her to learn to live safely, but the more I preached.... it seemed like the more stunts she would pull off.
My own mother was spending money she didn't have like thousands of dollars and I tried & tried to tell her she would lose her home, but she refuse to listen to me! I and my Sig-other live with her and all I could do was pay the house taxes and house insurance, while I waited for the bottom to fall out. It finally did!! She bounced hundreds of dollars of checks, almost lost her Health insurance. I ended up saving her health insurance then I made her come clean. She spent 89,000 dollars in less than three yrs and had to filed bankruptcy. She lost her truck and my brother's truck because her name was on it and she took out a 10,000 dollars loan! And like always, I was the one who cleaned up her mess as I have done my whole life! Sigh!!!
Now, I handle all her finances and pay all her bills and the house bills!
Unfortunately, people have alright to make bad decisions and there is nothing we can do!!
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