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Hello,
My Grandma will be 102yrs old the fall and my mother, brother and I have been taking care of her for almost 2 years now. She had a massive stroke at the beginning of the year that effected her speech. With that said my mother has medical and durable PoA. With the COVID going around we have had to resort to protecting her health but ours as well. My uncle and cousins have been trying to come down to see her from Oklahoma and Denver, Colorado. We have advised them to wait til COVID dies down a bit to attempt to see her. Now my uncle has hired a lawyer telling us to we must allow him to see his mother. Which we have never stoped him from seeing her, but his health is not good and could not take care of her in the first place. And wants unsupervised visits while he is here. We don’t want our grandma to catch the virus. Any help on what my mother can do legally to protect my grandma's health until Covid has died down.

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Please allow your uncle to see his mother. At 102 she could go almost anytime. Why prevent him from seeing his mother at this point. He just needs to take the necessary precautions. I would not wait until COVID dies down, it could last for a very long time. I allowed my brother to see our 97 year old mother recently. He worn a mask and kept his distance 6ft.
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You need to let him see his mother.
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At any point did anyone ever ask your grandmother what she wants? Because a lot of elders were forced in to isolation by well meaning family members. And many do not want to live the rest of their days in isolation without ever seeing their family again. In fact the isolation is causing many of them decline.
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swint2002 Aug 2020
my grandmother can't comprehend whats going on after her stroke. shes alert and can feed herself a little bit but is bed bound. but as for her speaking it very little and it doesn't come out right. if you ask what color shirt i have on it will be yes to everything we ask.
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Let him see his mom, I am sure that is what she would want.
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Your grandmother is 102 years old. Her remaining time on earth is limited as it is, let's face it. Let her see her family, unsupervised, without interference of any kind! If she gets the virus, so be it. When God is ready for her, she will pass on to be with Him, with or without you trying to prevent it. Covid HAS died down now........and isn't going to just magically disappear, but integrate itself into our lives as all the rest of the flu and other viruses have done and will continue to do. What are we supposed to do..........hide out forever b/c we may get sick? While we're hiding out from covid19 we may wind up getting the flu which can kill us. Or we may get run over by a car or shot by a rioter. Live life and allow grandma to live what's left of hers!

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but going to THIS level to protect a 102 year old woman is a bit extreme, in my opinion. It's more important for your grandmother to feel the love and closeness of her family than it is for her to be exposed to germs.

Best of luck!
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cwillie Aug 2020
People taking precautions against covid19 are not likely to get the flu either since avoidance precautions are the same, and people who are bed bound are not very likely to get run over or shot either. You are speaking to this grandchild as though they are a child, but with grandma being over 100 it is very likely that the caregiver mom is in her 70's or even 80's and the OP and brother are in their 40's and 50's, plenty old enough to judge their own risks.
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They are allowing nursing home visits here but they need to be outdoors, masked and distanced, if your uncle is willing to abide by those stipulations then I would let him come.
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If your Grandma is at all lucid at 102 I would think that she might want to see her children. Just my guess. I think that Covid, were she to get it would take her very quickly, but anything might at this age. I don't know if you can refuse someone coming into your home with this fragile elder. I would call your local health department and get their suggestions. I wouldn't worry about the lawyer letter. These days anyone can get an acquaintance to write one, and it doesn't mean a thing. No one is going to be stupid enough to attempt to sue someone trying to protect a 102 year old from covid.
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2020
I wouldn't just ignore a letter from an attorney.

This could very well cause the poster problems.

They can indeed refuse anyone access to their home, however, it is not a good idea when you are dealing with vulnerable people.

I would respond with the rules of a visit, consequences for not following the rules and let them enjoy their visit. She is after all 102 and no one lives forever. Perhaps he is dying and would like to see his mom.
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Many years ago when I was a single mother, I received a similar letter in regards to my son.

I replied in writing listing the ways I was facilitating access and that it was reasonable in the circumstances. I also listed the times the Dad had not taken advantage of his visitation times.

For OP, reply to the letter in writing. State that you would welcome phone calls or FaceTime visits between your Uncle and his mother. If you have suggested these in the past, record the dates you made the suggestions. If you made these suggestions via email, then include copies of the emails. Include your local state guidelines regarding reducing the spread of Covid-19 and report how your household is adhering to them to protect your grandmother.

Let the lawyer know that your grandmother is bed bound and unable to speak very well. Let him know that family is in attendance 24/7 to see to her needs and list those needs, from top to tail. Make it clear that a family member has to be available and within hearing range to meet her needs.

Lastly, talk to grandma's doctor or your local health authority and ask for guidance in how it could be possible to make a visit safe and possible. If Uncle is coming from another state, what are the isolation rules for state to state travel? As he would have to enter your home, what safety precautions does he need to take? Add this information to the letter you send the lawyer.

The reply will be from the point of view that you have been following state and local health authorities guidelines to keep Grandma safe. You have offered remote visits, phone and FaceTime, and are not being unreasonable. You will present documents from the local and state authorities, so your Uncle cannot complain that you are making up safety precautions. You reiterate that Grandma needs 24/7 care and Uncle is not experienced in providing this care, as grandma is not able to verbalize her needs, family have to be close by to assess her needs.

Send your reply by registered mail to the lawyer, not your Uncle. The lawyer only knows what your Uncle has told him. He also cannot force you to act in a way that compromises your grandmother's health and safety or goes against state and local health authorities guidelines.

Now having said all that, start to think about how you can facilitate a visit. Does Grandma's bedroom have a ground floor window, where they can do a window visit? Is there another room in the home where this could happen? Can she get into a wheelchair? Can you facilitate a visit at a distance outside?

Lastly, keep in mind she will die sooner than later. People are still dying on things not related to Covid-19.
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I don’t see any reason why family can’t see 102 year old grandma and practice social distancing. Have grandma wear a mask and have family wear a mask. Stay 6 feet apart from each other. Why does it have to be a supervised visit?
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If your mother is mpoa and poa then she is the legal authority. Your uncle can climb the uphill legal battle to challenge it, but why. If visitation can happen by video or from outside looking in or with a negative test prior to a visit, these accommodations sound reasonable. I have trouble with the unsupervised issue. Primary caregivers should be able to call the shots since they took on the responsibility. Like it or not.

It sounds like a power issue or conflict around rights. A lot of that going on these days. Another added dilemma to end of life with dysfunctional families.
I can relate. I invited family members into the backyard for visits and agreed to video visits on not zoom but another platform. Certain ones became accusatory and requested that I not participate in the visits. I experienced personal low blows and verbal bullying. Not sure any of this was necessary. Anyway, I felt something legal might arise too but all you can really do is make sure you all are doing what's best under the circumstance. If your uncle's intention is to have closure then there should be a way for a visit. If it's a power play then call it that. A visit may not be completely private as he wishes but a compromise at the very least.

Good luck to us all that have to deal with troubles with social support. Thank you for taking care of your grandmother.
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