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Is her doc a geriatric neurologist? If not, can you find one to do a work up? They are often better at getting at the fact that the elder's reasoning ability is damaged and they are no longer capable of making safe choices
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Maybe try to bring more of her things - art, familiar belongings & personal treasures. Get her involved in where to hang the art?
There is always an adjustment period - give it time and other than going back to her home try to make it her space. My mother wants to be surrounded by her things & her space decorated with her own things. This may be more important than you can imagine.
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When I ask my mom why she's so unhappy here, she just says that it has nothing to do with me, that I've treated her well, she just wants to be in her own home. As several of you have said, I believe she just wants to go back to her old life, which doesn't exist anymore. She constantly says that her knees didn't bother her at her house and she doesn't know why they've gotten so bad since she moved in with me (we went to doctors for years trying to get her help with her knee - other than a knee replacement, which she refuses, there's nothing that can be done). She believes she was better off in her own home. She also tells me that she's been driving, though she hasn't driven in over a year. She just doesn't know what she's saying or thinking.

yvtesfans - how would I go about getting letters of incapacity? I called her family doctor yesterday to see if he could evaluate her and the message I got back was that there was nothing he could do and that I should see an elder attorney.

maggiemarshall - I will look into getting Adult Protective Services involved. I've made many calls to many offices over the years and have never gotten any help. Even social workers who have come to the house after her hospitalizations have never been very helpful. I'll try to find out how to reach Adult Protective Services today.

We've tried meals on wheels and she hated it - threw most of it away and then cancelled them.

Thanks for everyone's help. It's such an emotionally trying time. Keeping her here with me is the best option for all if I can only convince her of that. She understood that when she was home last week and agreed to move here but it's only taken a few days for her to forget what "home" was like. There's nothing that she can do there that she can't do here. She has no enjoyment of her home at all anymore and just lies on the couch. I'm trying not to wait on her as much and let her do some things herself. My daughter is coming over later to try to talk to her.
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You are not alone! I guess we will all reach that stage in our lives, refusal to give up our homes and independence. I pray I don't do that to my children. My mother in her 90's with dementia refuses to go to assisted living. We visit her, do everything for her, but she is becoming irrational, calls dozens of times with imaginary fears, is basically miserable, can't take care of herself. Last year we asked the doctor to not clear her to continue in independent living, but he wouldn't do it, saying "she isn't there yet" and you have to wait for something to happen first. She refuses to move - says she will kill herself. It appears the legal system goes so far the other way to "protect" a person's rights that it leaves no room for intervention until the person is completely out of it. (Look at the number of entertainers and young adults with drug habits and homeless alcoholics that need to be institutionalized until such time as they are cured - not just a two week stint in a clinic. Their families can do nothing but watch their descent into oblivion.) That is how we feel, knowing AL would take care of her, make sure she ate, bathed, give her the attention her narcisistic personality needs, calm her fears, etc. My heart goes out to you. You are so kind to want her to live with you, its sad she doesn't want that. I'm sure my mom would jump at it if we offered, but she can afford IL or AL (for which our family thanks the good Lord) because she is so difficult none of us could ever live with her. It is so hard for us seniors to care for their very old parents. I wonder if we are the first generation to be in this situation now that people are living longer?
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Sorry. Put the plan into action, I mean. Still half-asleep from yesterday.
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Hubblegal, big hug to you. You have worked so hard to do everything for your mother and live up to every principle of elder care ethics. You have, as we say in rugby-watching circles, played a blinder. Your mother couldn't have a more caring or faithful child.

The 'home' she so desperately wants to go back to is her own life where she was independent, healthy and happy. It's gone now. Time has nuked it.

I'm searching for a way of saying this that isn't totally bleak, but I'm not sure there is one, not if we're going to stick to reality.

Your mother needs care. She doesn't want it, she's mourning the loss of her independence and her life as she knows and likes it, and she feels wretched; and that is heart-breaking, but it doesn't change the reality that there is nothing you can do to restore "Home" to her.

So, with or without her, you need to work out what environment constitutes her second best option, and then put that plan into option. Given the strain it places on you and your family to have your terribly upset mother living with you, I'd suggest that somewhere safe where you can visit her would be a better bet than your home - but this is all detail.

The key thing is to separate the practical planning from the emotional turmoil. The latter can wait, but the former can't. Get your mother assessed for legal capacity purposes (you don't need her consent to that) then use your POA to care for her. I haven't a shred of doubt that this would be totally in her best interests, because I've never read a more impressive account of loving care than yours.
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tried0659 and Shepard raise an interesting point. Why is your mother so miserable at your house? I suspect she is miserable away from her own surroundings rather than miserable at your house -- but maybe she can tell you.

Mom may not be able to articulate her reasons -- or maybe she'll surprise you. But give her lots of time. I once had a conversation with an unusually articulate friend who had dementia. He seemed to ignore one of my comments. The next day I got an email from him assuring me he wanted to respond to me but it took him a day to process the topic and find his words!

But in a way, this story reminds me of what we see posted again and again -- the person with dementia who wants to "go home" and who miserably mourns the loss of "home." My husband did this even though he was at home. Many other posters have also reported loved ones who want to go home even though they are already home. Some experts theorize that what they really want is to get back to a place and time when things were normal, before their minds became so foreign to them.

If this is the sense in which your mother longs to go home, then getting her back to her house probably won't satisfy her longing. She may blame her dissatisfaction on having strangers in there, etc. but the real problem -- of not feeling like herself -- will not be resolved.

Mom may or may not be able to articulate why she wants to go home, but trying to figure out the reasons may provide clues about how to proceed.
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I was wondering the same thing. Can your Mother explain to you what is it exactly that makes her so miserable and so sad? If she can put it in words then maybe you can arrange something so she would stay with you? What would she be doing on her own that she can't do in your house? You said that when she was living alone she'd just sleep. Can your Mother explain this somehow?
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ALs, assisted living.
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What is it about being in your home that's making her miserable? Is it the lack of privacy, being able to do what she wants when she feels like it? That's what AS are for! She can have a private apartment, good food, on site medication management and activities IF she wants to participate! You get peace of mind. Take some tours with her. Use it as a bargaining or delaying tactic.
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"Remind" her she has to go to the doctor before she can go home - "don't you remember we talked about that when you came here?...do you feel well enough to go see the doctor yet? Ok, we can go...(fill in appointment date, circle on calendar, count own days, whatever)" And take her for a comprehensive geriatric evaluation somewhere. Make sure they include a social worker visit with you to help sort through options. I suspect you *will* be told she is not safe to be by herself and you can insist on some other plan, which may involve getting guardianship or at least getting the letters of incapacity that put a POA, if you already have one, into effect.

Is she actually capable of calling a cab and breaking a window to get in? Does she even remember falling?
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Do you have right? Boy, that is hard. You certainly have reason on your side, and morality. But legally? Maybe not so much, if she is still competent. We place an extremely high value on self-determination. A competent adult is allowed to make decisions -- even bad decisions, even potentially self-destructive decisions.

The best outcome would be to convince her to stay with you willingly. I wonder if staying a little longer would convince her. Could you say, "We will have time to move you back a week from this Friday. Until then, let's just make the most of our time together." Any possibility she might be willing to wait, and that she might come to like her new location?

I think the next best outcome (or maybe even better than staying with you) would be to have her move into a care center with 24 hour staff available. I don't think that sounds very likely until/unless a crisis occurs.

Third choice would be for her to live at home with adequate help. This you might have a chance at negotiating.
1) Mom, I can no longer keep up two households. You have to bring in help to clean and to do your laundry. This would only be for a few hours each week, but it MUST be done.
2) You have to have a visiting nurse for whatever the doctor thinks you need. This might be to help make sure you take your pills, and also to care for your legs.
3) If the doctor thinks it might help prevent falls if you build up your strength and he/she wants to order physical therapy for you, I want you to accept this. It will be only for a few weeks.
4) Let's look into Meals on Wheels for you, so you have one complete meal delivered to you each day. OR Let's get a personal care attendant to come in each afternoon to help you with your evening meal and take you for a walk in nice weather.
5) You must accept an aide to come in and help you shower or bathe once a week.

What I'm suggesting is trying to use your leverage to get her to accept some help in her own home, and not just vaguely "some help" but a specific list of help you think necessary.

I sincerely believe that getting her pills regularly, keeping reasonably clean, eating regularly and wholesomely, and having minor medical needs attended to promptly would extend her lifespan. But realize that she is not going to live forever no matter where she is. (She could fall at your house as well as at her house.) And the timing isn't necessarily under your control.

I agree with Maggie that if she goes home it may not last long. She may fall, or become disoriented, or dehydrated, or have some other crisis. If she winds up in the hospital they may strongly discourage her from going home, especially if you firmly explain that you can only provide limited help in her but are willing to care for her in yours.
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Lordy. I think you should get Adult Protective Services involved. Most states include "self-neglect" in their criteria for assistance. Call them. If they can't help, they will certainly be able to quickly steer you in the right direction.

Because she is completely disrupting your life and has threatened to do things that are unsafe if she isn't allowed to go home, I would try to talk her into staying 'til the weekend so you can move her things back there; failing that agreement, I think I'd just take her home.

It'll only be for a short time, I can almost guarantee.
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hubblegal, this is a situation that many of us find ourselves in. Even when other arrangements make a lot more sense for everyone, our parents want to remain in their own home. I know that I couldn't have pried mine out with a shoe horn. I don't know if there is anything we can do as long as they are competent except to help them the best we can. Maybe you can talk to your mother and say it is okay to go home, but only if she hires some help. It will be expensive, but maybe that would work. And if she wants to get rid of the help, just tell her she'll have to move back in with you. Let us know how it goes. Good thoughts coming your way.
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