Think I’m just having a bad day. Mom will soon be 94. Still in LTC facility of course with dementia and multiple health problems. Care is great and I have no complaints. I am close by and only visit twice a month. Believe I feel guilty. I’m just tired. I get completely stressed out at the thought of visiting. I’m sorry don’t hate me. I work still as a nurse. I have some health issues, hypertension and diabetes which are all controlled. I have a great circle of friends thank God bc family is nonexistent. Both my brothers were older than me and they are both deceased but believe me even if they were alive, they would be if no help at all. My mom never drove. I was always the one that had to do everything I went through a lot with her as you could see from my profile But was able to prove the childcare exemption for long-term Medicaid for her and was able to keep the house which I was living in with her and spent $85,000 of my own money to fix up so that’s why it was no option for me to lose it and I fought to the tune of $13,000 for an attorney no one visits my mom as she was never an outgoing person never drove and really had no friends. She, of course blames all the situation on my father but you know after all these years and he’s been deceased since 1997. I was tired of hearing it, she has three grandchildren and two great grandchildren. No one bothers with her and I’m the only one available to visit. She has no friends that even go up to visit. I guess I just needed to vent today. I’m just tired from always hearing the complaints. She was a good mom to me. Don’t get me wrong but even when I was younger they never came to any of my school activities. I just feel like I don’t owe her a lot. I’m sorry I just needed support today.
I've conquered feeling like I'm her entertainment committee. I can't be. My hubs and I still work 3/4 time, so we're not really "retirees" yet. And I have my own 94-yr old Mom living next to us (she was always single and I'm her only), and am DPoA for her 104-yr old sister out of state, living in her home with 2 rotating family caregivers. A person can only do so much.
I think part of the problem is we have grown up romanticizing how our aging years will look, or get deluded by the stock photos of very active seniors in the facility brochures and website.
When you live to be that old, you tend to outlive your friends and other relatives, or they are in equally immobile/impaired condition. It gets really hard to go more than once a week unless you're taking your LO to a craft or activity inside the facility.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't spend any time with my Mom on a certain day when she's literally steps from my back door. She still drives and does a lot on her own in her little house. She, too, didn't have many non-family friends. But if she was living in IL or AL in FL like she constantly imagines she wanted to (and not here in MN where she voluntarily to move to), I'd never be seeing her or talking to her every day or entertaining her, either. She tends to be very critical and negative and fearful (which she was originally but now it's ramped up), so it doesn't make for a pleasant time with her.
Please don't feel guilty. Many elderly do not have what your Mom has: a devoted daughter who has helped her over the years and manages her care. Many, many elders are not this lucky. Count your Mom's blessings and it may help you see things differently. Your fatigue may be untreated depression so please consider talking to your doctor about this (and you're a nurse so you know the drill ;-) ) This time of year can weigh on us in unexpected ways. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty doing so. May receive peace in your heart.
She is in a safe place and well cared for. You did great!
Needing a break from her doesn’t make you guilty of anything. We all get tired of everything falling on us. Guilt is such an insidious emotion, isn’t it? It so often shows up when really it shouldn’t.
I used to visit my mother (98, dementia, excellent care home) every week but hearing about how her crummy daughter (me) made her grow old, lost her money, won’t do enough for her, ad infinitum, grated on my nerves and hurt my heart. Now I go once every 2 to 4 weeks. Maybe I’ll resume going more often once life is a little less hectic. I’m giving her what I can spare of myself. And that’s all you can give your mother.
What's outside today? Is it hot or cold where you are? Blue skies or grey? Clouds low or racing by? I took a walk last night to see the Christmas lights in my area. Even though I seem to have some sort of compassion fatigue-quiet quitting-lowish mood going on, it lifted my spirits.
As a nurse you will know of course you cannot spend all your time with one patient. It zaps you & leaves no time for others. Others includes YOU too 🥰
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
What you are feeling is grief for her and for her condition, for your inability to be everything all the time to everyone.
You can't fix this. You aren't God nor even a Saint.
You need to be a bit easier on yourself.
Call your Mom.
Whether she, in her facility, reaches out to activities and others is UP TO HER.
So call and speak with admins and ask how she is doing when you aren't there. Explain to them what you told us. Ask if you can be comforted at all by them to hear that she may participate in things more than you realize.
I am sorry. Vents are NEEDED. Go ahead and let off the steam and comfort yourself that you are doing just about the best you can right now.
There is no "guilt" that you should be feeling for anything.
Someone at sometime has felt what you have expressed so in someway everyone knows some of what you are going through.
So if you need to vent...this is the place.
As a nurse you know that you need to take care of yourself first, your family is priority. Mom is being cared for you do not have to stress about that.
And if visiting more often stresses you out then don't visit more often.
((hugs))
No guilt, please!
Do something wonderful with friends.
Maybe Spa Day!
My favorite good book, glass of Prosecco or two and good box of chocolates.
Vent away whenever you need . I feel like this time of year usually brings up some guilt in these difficult situations .
You deserve to treat yourself for all you have done
Have some eggnog!!!
Peace!
It sounds like you are visiting at the frequency you feel you are able to. I would say, continue that frequency then. You are visiting twice a month and it sounds like other family and friends are not visiting at all, correct? So you are visiting infinitely more often than anyone else! they should feel guilty!
now, I wish I could be better at following my own advice!
hang in there