Just moved in with my mother and notice she's very forgetful and obsessive. She calls her sister and they accuse me of stealing her money.

I have. It's not easy at all. I'm financially strapped because of my divorce. I just quit my job in Reno to move up to Seattle thinking things would be okay and I could achieve mental clarity and peace, also my mothers hugs and unconditional love. I had no idea my mother would be this difficult. So now, on top of everything else, I'm stressed beyond normal in regards to my mothers mental health. This is also making me angry and resentful... not good.

This is so depressing. I'm sorry that this has turned into a "poor me" issue. I'm not as strong as I thought, I guess.

Move out

you are on a path of being thrown out, or worse yet..being reported to APS. They are likely to accuse you to someone official!! You need to be gone from there before you have to defend yourself in front of a judge

this isn’t going to get better

leave now, while it is still in your power to decide how and when you depart

First of all, thank you for the replies! I haven't seen my mom in about 4 yrs so all of this is heartbreaking, the fast progression of not only mental decline, but also physical. At this point in my life, I really need my mom. And when we aren't arguing, we get along great and she's very appreciative of the help I provide. I need her right now as much as she needs me, basically. She's my mother, I love her and worry.

The accusations are fueled by her sister whom she talks to every morning, she unfortunately call and wakes my mom way too early, btw, as my mom needs her sleep. My mother will "tattle" whenever we fight which only pleases her sister and gives her reason to fill my moms head with lies and ridiculous ideas about me. In a sick way this makes her sister happy knowing she's not the only one who is miserable, even though my mom isn't, she just tries to convince her she is. When I tell my mom that I'm going to call her sister, she freaks out and threatens to kick me out again, ugh. Oh, and her sister also is trying to convince my mom to call the police and have me convicted of "Elder Abuse". What??!!

I'm basically stuck between a rock and a hard space right now. I don't want to leave my mom but I can't stand the occasional fights... Over nothing! This only makes me worry more. I found that eldercare.gov provides Dr's who specialize in dementia and I can get her in for evaluation, but how do I convince her to go? And should I confront her crazy sister? I can't leave my mom, as we had been estranged for too many years as it is. I see maybe a year or two before she may need assisted living and I'd like to spend those last years with her:(

Lealonnie brings up an important point about *trying* to encourage her to get her legal paperwork in place. Just be prepared that she may choose her sister PoA and not you. You can suggest you are both PoA for both medical and financial, since it should be someone significantly younger than herself, and there would be "accountability" between both PoAs. Also inform her of what happens to people who don't assign anyone (guardianship by the county). Otherwise, like BarbBrooklyn wisely suggested, this living arrangement may be a no-win situation, as in XenaJada's case.

I'm with Barb..............move out. You can't possibly live under these conditions long term, who can??? It sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia and the paranoia that goes hand & hand with it, and the blaming & accusations, etc, which put YOU in the hot seat every time. Consider that you've done your duty in caring for her after the surgery, and now it's time to move on & get your own place. You are way too young and have way too much of your life ahead of you to be living this way for the next 20 years, that's for sure!!

One last thing I'd like to mention........if you do not already have POAs for your mother, and if she's not been deemed incompetent *yet*, you may want to try getting those documents in place and notarized NOW. So when your mother needs to be placed in long term care, should that happen, you'll have your ducks lined up and ready to go.

Best of luck!

Sadly, this is very common behavior for elderly people. Everything they misplace (which is daily) is thought to have been stolen. And when they find the missing item, there is NO apology for their accusations.

So, if you can do this, ignore her when she starts her accusations and leave the room. Refuse to argue with her.

I have a relative I was bending over backwards to help when she was still living in her house. Many times she accused me of stealing things. The most I ever got in the way of an apology when she found lost items was "I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt!"

One day I spend most of my day picking her up, taking her to the doctor, bought us both lunch and brought it to her house to enjoy. We were sitting at her dining room table eating. Table was FULL of papers and junk. She left the room to use the restroom. Later she came back and started going through the junk while eating and spotted her checkbook under the papers. She later accused me of looking through her checkbook to see how much money she had, simply because I was sitting at the same table! I pretty much stopped helping her after that incident.

Have you reconsidered the idea of living with your mother?

This doesn't sound like it's going to work out long term.