I don't know who to turn to. I normally can talk to my husband about anything but I honestly can't tell him how I really feel about this whole situation.
Background: My husband and I met in 2019, I was 25 he was 41. That was the only year together that felt normal. We moved in fairly soon and it has been great. We both agreed that we want to move out of CA. 2020 and 2021 felt like two years waisted of time for us to travel and do things together. End of 2021, husband proposes! We secretly elope a month later, but plan to have a large wedding in 2023. 2022, we find out mother in law has stage 3A lung cancer. We take care of her for several months during treatment, we still plan out wedding. 2023, we have our wedding, mother-in-law is in remission. We plan to go on our honeymoon and travel a bunch in 2024, since we missed out on that, before we start a family.
Now: Mother-in-law now has severe dizziness, heart problems, extreme fatigue, and lung problems since chemo and radiation. Even though the cancer is gone, she now has all of these problems she didn't have before. The worst part is: she lives alone, in a very rural area, her closest hospital is awful (missed her pneumonia), we are an hour and 30 minutes away from her (including all major stores and hospitals). My husband is her only child. In-home support care, home health, caregivers, and hospice are "out of range" for where she lives. My husband works night shifts as an ED Charge nurse, usually 6-8 nights on. She was recently admitted to the hospital my husband works at (the only major one in our area), and luckily the case worker told her what we have been telling her: You live too far away. The options she gave us was: A. She moves in with us. B. She lives at a support facility, C. We get her a small apartment.
A. Does not work for us. I know my husband would do ANYTHING for his mother, but our marriage will go down the drain. We live in a very small place, I have a cat (she's allergic, but I refuse to get rid of him), and you have to climb stairs to get to our front door, while she can barley walk from one room to the other.
B. Way too expensive. My husband and I would like to save up money so we can finally move or own a home so we can start a family. That is going to come out of our pockets as she lives on a fixed income.
C. The best option, but she's very stubborn. We would need to figure out what to do with her house.
I'm 30 years old, have no kids, just got married, and want to start my life with my husband, go on trips we have been planning for. But I feel like it is all on hold. Most of the people on this forum seem to be older, whereas we are pretty young and havent had the opportunity to start a family yet. I love my husband, and therefore, love my mother in law and want to help.
I can't shake off this feeling of being "cheated out" of our life plans and goals. Moving being a major one. The healthcare up here is awful, there's tons of drug addicts in the area, I don't even feel comfortable raising a family here. I know it's not her fault, but at the same time her choices is what got her where she is at.
When Iv'e talked to friends, they usually say, "Wait it out, she probably only has 5 years." But, I'm 30. The older I get, the harder it will be to have kids. What if she is still fine in 5 years? Should we just wait around on hand and knee for her?
My husband can tell something about all of this has been bugging me. But I feel like if I say anything, it wouldn't be productive. I want to help him not hurt him. But, when he was talking about some of this to me the other day, I just zoned out. He said something along the lines of, "I know life isn't going the way you hoped, but it is what it is." The only way to describe the feeling is stuck.
Your husband is getting older too .
You should not put your life on hold.
His mother should sell her house and move closer preferably to a care facility . But an apartment may work for alittle while with hired help to come in depending on how much help she needs . Mom uses her money from the sale of her home. Do not use your or your husband’s money to support her .
I think you will have to tell your husband this….
Those that need help ( your mother in law ) are the ones that need to compromise .
Not the other way around .
Your hubby should talk with his Mom about her stubbornness .
You both deserve to be able to live your married life.
I'm an only child to a single Mother. Sometimes that parent winds up treating you like their spouse. This is probably the case for your husband. I'm sure he dreads dealing with her emotional and relational fallout when he puts up his boundaries in this situation.
Waytomisery wrote: "Those that need help ( your mother in law ) are the ones that need to compromise .
Not the other way around . "
This is absolutely true. The caregiving arrangement has to work for the caregiver or it's not working and they will soon burn out. It's not your husband's job to rescue his Mom from every situation or compromise.
Consider having him read the responses on this post so that he sees how much positive support there is for her staying at arm's length while you both still commit to helping her. And he needs to remember that it's not going to be "just" her cancer... if she continues to survive she is still aging and will need help on that front as well. Her fantasy of living where it's so difficult to help her and there's no services is her problem to deal with, not yours.
A successful marriage is one where each spouse prioritizes the other, and then their children and then their parents. It doesn't mean you don't love them. But it is simply not possible to have it both ways: have a healthy marriage and take care of MIL's every need on her terms. A recipe for disaster.
If she runs out of money, she can apply to Medicaid, you do not pay for her care.
But here is the thing. Let's say you sell her house. That's going to cover some time - maybe even quite a bit of time depending on the value of her home. Rural areas - at least in my experience - may not have a wide variety of options but the options often are not as expensive as more suburban and urban areas.
And once she runs through all of the funds from the sale of her home - and spends down any other assets - there is a good chance she will qualify for Medicaid.
But as others have mentioned - there is also a good chance sadly, that her life expectancy is not incredibly high to begin with.
The other option as SP mentioned - would be to sell her home and purchase something small near medical facilities. This option has its pros and cons as well. You will probably end up with a "paid in full" living situation (minus monthly bills). But a set up like that will require more involvement on your DH's part (and probably yours) unless you hire in home caregivers to pick up the slack.
You and your DH need to sit down and have a conversation. What concerns me the most is that you said "I honestly can't tell him how I really feel about this whole situation." Hon, you HAVE to tell him. If you don't talk to him about this sooner rather than later, resentment will build up and your new marriage will be in trouble before it even gets off of the ground.
If you want to have the life you planned you have to be honest. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to throw his mother under the bus. But you don't want to start off not being open with him. He already KNOWS something is wrong. He already KNOWS. If he is telling you that he knows it isn't going the way you thought it would, but it is what it is...he is already telling you that he has made choices for BOTH of you and that's not appropriate. You need to have an open, honest dialogue and put all the options on the table.
You are right to be concerned about life expectancy because my MIL has stage 4 lung cancer with a 2 year prognosis and she's going on year 3 now.
MIL needs to sell her house and get a small place closer to medical facilities. I hope you and new hubby are on the same page in regards to her care because her needs are only going to get worse going forward. Hopefully you never make the mistake of moving her into your house.
You and your husband deserve to have a life and a family. Don't let MIL take that from you guys.
Planning your married life TOGETHER is top priority right now. When you both work out what you want to do, then you both consider MIL’s options to fit in with your plans. You don’t organise yourselves to fit in with her preferences. If she doesn’t want to fit in with you, she takes responsibility for her own plans. She is ill, but she is almost certainly young enough to run her own life. Your husband is not responsible for her. You are even less responsible for her.
“Life isn't going the way you hoped, but it is what it is”. This is de-railment, not just a glitch in ‘the way you hoped’. Husband putting mother first is potentially the train crash itself. You haven’t told us about DH’s past history, but he is now aged 46 and it is more than possible that his commitment to her is a major issue in the past and potentially in the future. “Her choices is what got her where she is at”. You don’t explain that, but you don’t want in future to say the same about yourself.
Think very carefully before you go ahead with a baby. Right now you have other options.
Given the options, she needs to sell her house and move into a support facility using that money to pay for it.
That is the only option that will work long term for everyone.
Some adjustments need to be made in your plans for now. you and your husband need to figure out what is most important for the two of right now and try to make that happen.
It’s disappointing and frustrating not to be able to do what you want when you want. Try to make the best of it for now.
Mom has been told by a Social Worker she needs to move closer to resources she needs. She sells her home and uses the proceeds for an Assisted living or to offset the cost of a nice apartment. You are too far away to be there for her on a regular basis. You tell her that the wise thing would be to move closer to you. If she says NO, then she is on her own. You and DH do not give up ur lives for a stubborn person. You go on ur honeymoon. You have those babies. Who she will miss out on because she will not move closer. Don't move near her and don't move her in with you. She has two choices an AL or an apt near you. The ball is in her court.
Do make sure you tell her you will help her with the move. Come and clean out what she does not need. Help her pack what she wants to keep. Help her sell the house. If your husband is 46 then Mom is probably close to 70 or older. At 74 I know packing up a 4 bedroom house for me is overwhelming. I cannot imagine doing it and not feeling well.
If you get her that small apartment near you, this might appear to be the best solution. But with her level of physical difficulties, what then? Who takes her to the doctor? You'd need to arrange for someone or a service. It is doable, but be aware that you need to do it right away. You don't want to get her in the habit of relying on you. How would she shop? Who'd take her?
On the other hand, can she arrange all these things herself? If so, she should be doing it, not you and husband.
The assisted living would certainly be the best option. The right one will provide transportation, meals, someone to help with other things she needs such as mailing a package, and so on. She wouldn't be lonely and she'd have activities, a library, and entertainment. It's time to sell her house to pay for this. You don't have to pay for anything for her, so ditch that idea.
Good luck.
You need to let your husband know about your need to have a child as I’m sure he knows the risk factors of getting pregnant after age 35. Perhaps it’s time for your MIL to go into a facility where she will get 24-hour medical care and the strain of her care will be somewhat relieved for you and your husband and you can both concentrate on getting pregnant. The strain of your husband being a nurse and taking care of his mother will eventually cause your husband to suffer from burnout.
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