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Lots of replies so, looloo, what have you done?
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Sit her Down, With just a light Frown, Tell her what you have Discovered and Talk with her, Admonish her and Warn her NOT TO DO THIS AGAIN. Tell her, Do Not Even Enable her to Take NOT ONE MINEUTE THING.xx
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gdaughter Dec 2019
You're very kind but I fear living in a dream world...
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That small infraction can initiate repeat actions that grow. My 24/7 caregiver for Mom charged on her cards, stole from the house and smoozed Mom. The weekend caregiver reporter her actions to us. Mom played the two against each other, like she did with her kids and the crook was her preferred choice to the caregiver who actually cared with her whole heart. How upsetting to have that happen... you will have to decide whether to give her a warning or just replace her.
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Seeing as you like the care she gives mom, and that she is very reliable, I'd sit down and ask her what financial trouble she was in that would prompt her to do such a thing. Her answer may be heartfelt and plausible. On the other hand, she may be flustered and unable to give a reasonable answer. If you decide to keep her, then you may choose to forgive her and not mention it again. Of course, in such forgiving you would naturally want to say that there can be no more of such shenanigans. You realize it is stealing. So does she. The circumstances of her explanation may well be "understandable" even though uncondoned. If these are the first two times she has done anything dishonest, then you may want to mentally balance the scales with her small dishonesties on one side and her long-term excellent caregiving on the other.

God forgives and per the bible says He will remember our sins no more.
If you decide to forgive her, it would be wise as I see it, not to reheat her sins often or even on rare occasion.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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You obviously want to keep this caregiver. Just ask her if your mother asked her to order something on Amazon because you had a cyber security issue but you caught it and handled it but then afterwards, thought maybe your mother asked her to do this. This will bring it out. Just tell her that you need to know before she does something like that because YOU handle her affairs and are responsible for her finances. That will ease any embarrassment and tension and you don’t have to report her nor look for another caregiver. BUT, she will know that YOU are watching. I dealt with caregivers for 3 years before Mom went to nursing home. I know what you are going through, especially since she has not done anything like this before. That would be easy enough to do.
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If she used the credit without asking first then it doesn't matter if were $28 or $2800.... it's called stealing. You might want to look for other missing valuables in your mother's home. It might not the first time. I'm speaking from experience... you need to always be on alert with these people. Just saying!
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How could you ever trust her again?
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cak2135 Dec 2019
I'd get rid of her and get a new caretaker. I really do not trust people; I'm cynical
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I don’t believe it was a mistake, you have to enter all the information and billing address to the Amazon account. There’s not 1 single reason to add that card to her account. HOWEVER,
I completely agree that finding another caregiver that does a good job is very difficult especially given your distance.
I would tell her you got a fraud alert, you reported it and subsequently realized you may have gotten her in trouble for identity theft (that should scare her enough). She won’t be receiving a Xmas bonus for her decision and in turn you won’t report her to her agency because you prefer she not get fired. You certainly cannot allow your moms card to be breached but in case it was a mistake (which you know it isn’t) you may want to just handle it between the 2 of you, so she’s not fired, wreck her chances of future hire, but ultimately save yourself from the painstaking task of finding another good caregiver because yes good ones are hard to find.
I don’t agree that a Tchotchke missing here and there is ok though. If you want to give her a gift you will, nobody should TAKE anything from an elder or their home... sorry that’s stealing and I’m surprised you’re ok with that.
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Maybe she was going to pay the credit card back and that was her only means of payment at the time?  I would confront her without trying to put her on the defensive and see what her explanation was (if there is one).  Give her the benefit of the doubt until you hear her side of the story.  :)  I hope it all works out.
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my2cents Dec 2019
How the heck was she going to pay back money that she never said she 'borrowed'. It was a credit card, so you can't just drop by the bank and put it back into the account. There is no benefit of doubt - this was theft when she knowingly clicked 'purchase' with someone else's card. Even if you gave her the card to use for mom's needs, the moment she used it for her own needs without asking IN ADVANCE, it was theft.
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The “best caregiver” is obviously not the best caregiver... unless you approve of breaking the law.
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No one has mentioned a potential problem: If you fire any caretaker they still the key to the house. Demanding the key on the spot won't work b/c if the caretaker will steal they will also have a duplicate key made for future theft. Change the locks after any caretaker is fired.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2019
Good advice...hadn’t thought of that
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Nip that in the bud ASAP. The more she or he gets away with it the worse it gets . And it’s very hard to press charges because they de friend your mother and the victim doesn’t want to turn on their exploiter. I ran into this in 2015 and contacted my moms attorney co trustee and he didn’t do a thing my mom is broke of thousands of her own money and my grandparents money was also given away and spent. The police had to remove my mom from her house. I just spent the 100 thousand dollars fixing moms house to sell because she is now in a wonderful AFH being taken care of . But her attorney stepped in the day the house was getting listed and stopped the sale he now wants mom to return to her home where her exploiters are living in a house around the corner from the house and still in contact with my mom waiting for her to return so they can get on her trust to become POA there were just about on the trust and had my mom believing it was me that was stealing. Her attorney wants her to go back. It’s a mess and you don’t want to get up that point it can go many directions and then your sending more of your time sung her money in court on legal fees . Take it from someone that’s going through hell . I would confront and make her pay it back and tell her if it happens again you will let her go or call APS but they don’t do much either. They let my moms attorney exploiters go. I also got a five year VAPO order but they have never been served. They evade the police when they try serving them I may sound a little hash but believe me you don’t want to be in my position. Good luck
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Arizona, two caregivers just sentenced to 30 and 36 months in prison for financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior. Wire transfer fraud.

They gained access to his financial information and robbed him.

Trusted caregivers by the way.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
I don't know about the rest of you who are single and/or don't have much in the way of family or friends...but I fear for my future...what inspiration to stay healthy on all counts...
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Cancel the credit card, get your mother a new card, and do not give the information to any caregiver ever again. If she tries it again, it will say "CARD DECLINED". Get all of the financial records out of your mother's house. There is no reason for anyone except the financial POA to have access to money. Period.

I once had a house guest - a Nigerian woman who was on scholarship at a local college - steal a piece of fine jewelry from me that was in my vanity in my bathroom. The feeling sucks. People steal. I was naive. I made it easy. Never again.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Very obvious and good plan, though doesn't resolve having a potentially untrustworthy caregiver with potential speeding issues taking care of mom. Surprised no one (including me!) suggested doing this sooner!
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Have you spoke with your Mom? Is it possible your Mom approved the purchase? I wouldn't stress out yet without knowing all the facts. Speak with them both together. In the event the caregiver did this behind your Mom's back, she needs to go. It will escalate if she got away with it once. If your Mom approved it, let it go.
If she did steal, the Agency will terminate her if you tell them why you don't want her anymore. Its probably time for a new caregiver anyway. Many get lax over time and lose their professional edge. Get the answers you need and go from there.
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my2cents Dec 2019
AFter working for years, this woman would know that she would need to talk to children of the woman before using/borrowing/taking any money or using a credit card -- call it what it is THEFT
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Please confront her right now... there is no excuse for what she's done because this isn't about the amount of money, it's about the intent. By your own admission you've already validated her past 'minor' thefts so you need to be very clear about what you will and won't allow in the future. Seriously- the nerve to link your mom's credit card to her Amazon account! That's a bit bigger than a few groceries or knickknacks.

And it will most likely escalate if you don't address it because the temptation will be there. We went through the same thing with my in-laws with their home health aide they just adored. It, too, started with small monetary thefts- until $5000 went missing (yes, they shouldn't have had that much cash in their apartment but there was no reasoning with them). Her husband, to add matters, is the building maintenance man so had the keys to the apartment. Other residents in the building then admitted to thefts when using this same aide, but nothing could be proven. The aide (a retired RN- which added credibility in the eyes of my FIL) told him that she would never steal from him so of course he believes her. The best thieves are the ones you least want to suspect, I suppose.
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What did you end up doing? And the reasoning of the charge?
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I took time to read through all the posts. I saw the word gift mentioned several times but no mention of holiday shopping. Is mother aware of the holidays? Is she cognizant enough to want to buy a gift for someone? Even the helper. Would she have wanted to buy a gift for anyone in the family and had the helper do it? Without knowing what the amazon item was it is hard for us to decipher. Can you reveal what the item was? I agree with confronting the helper in a calm manner as being inquisitive. Mention Amazon or credit card company notified you of the purchase and see what she says. I think we are all in suspense. Good luck and let's hope for a positive outcome.
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Your kind and understanding attitude about your care giver’s situation is admirable. (A few groceries etc). I’m just thinking that you should have a really reasonable talk with her about the Amazon transaction. Your words are so genuinely compassionate as you described this incident that I’m sure you can use the same approach when speaking with her. Just letting her know how much you value her and know this must have been a lack of judgement that won’t happen again because you’d hate to lose her. You NEED to speak to her because things like this start small. And as the person starts feeling they can get away with it, the incidents often become larger and more frequent. It doesn’t mean they start as a “hard core criminal”. It is usually as you described, a person getting crappy pay for a tiresome job. But it can really escalate if not addressed. And if she really is a good soul, she will be embarrassed she was found out and will most likely never do it again! Better to have a slightly uncomfortable talk now than face larger consequences for her later.
Every employee needs to know there is a “boss” watching over them to keep them doing the right thing. She will probably appreciate your fairness and the fact that you are also watching out for your mom.
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tf110862 Dec 2019
Wow, GREAT advice. I agree....talk to her. As a in home caregiver myself, I can't imagine, taking advantage of the elderly. So wrong, on so many levels.
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It is difficult to find good reliable help, especially when working remotely for a parent. Like most responses mentioned, a caregiver needs to be held accountable and fortunately, so far the incidents are not so egregious. It sounds like the behavior is recent and draws more questions of why she would do this - is there something going on in her personal life, burnout, etc.? Definitely, I would address this if possible via Skype, FaceTime to have her explain and let her know while her services have been highly valued, there is not a next time (in your words) for actions that are not in the best interest of your mother.
My mother is remote from me and I have an independent individual who checks on her in yes, a facility. I consider it 'insurance'. Working with the industry I have observed some who really care and others apparently, just collecting a paycheck.
It's clear you want to be fair, yet at the end of the day, if not as a Guardian, POA, or a steward for your Mom, you are her advocate to whatever extent that requires and that you are able to extend.
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Even if it was something your mother needed, she does not have the right to use your credit cards.  In this business of elder care, theft is rampant and no one would want to draw any suspicion to themselves by doing something like this.  If she was purchasing this for your mother, her name wouldn't be on it at all.  She would have used your mother as the "ship to", not herself.  We all know why you are avoiding the inevitable.....finding care you can trust and feel comfortable with is extremely hard.  Trying to manage your moms care from a far is not easy either. Bottom line is that she has broken trust on more than one occasion.  The problem with "allowing" these little indiscretions to continue is that you are fooling yourself about where the line gets drawn.  You no longer have control,  What else could be going on that you don't know about?  Is your mom cognizant enough to tell you if she is being neglected or mistreated?  You feel like you have everything in place and you don't want to have to make changes or deal with any drama....I get it.   I just wouldn't be able to tolerate anyone who would steal from me or my mom.  Have you thought about setting up a hidden video camera to see what your moms day with this caregiver is really like?
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Daisy9 Dec 2019
We installed a hidden nanny cam in my MIL's apt. in a well known big name facility. Thankfully, my MIL was never physically injured, but a technician taunted her. Another stole, one paraded her out of her bathroom nude in a two person suite to dry her off (MIL was cold!). Yet another sat on a flimsy end table and broke it, landing her on the floor (well deserved, I'd say, for thoughtlessly breaking a piece of furniture!) The drawback was having to change a chip in the nanny cam every other day when we were there. Look on line for hidden surveillance camera. Most are not expensive, although you would need to review on line due to the distance. Probably much more expensive.
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Maybe she had your mother's and also her own card on the account and accidentally used the wrong one. I have multiple accounts on my on line bill paying, and more than once I accidentally used my son's estate account because it was the one that showed up and I didn't change it. So then I move money and pay it back. Could it have been accidental? I case a CNA for a while and a lot if people would request me. Probably because I spoke English and would do anything for them. I would take anything of value out if the home that isn't necessary and keep your perfect caregiver. But that's me. I know how hard it is to get a good one. And one your mom really likes.
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I would give her the benefit of talking with you. I actually remember a time years ago (before cell phones) when I made a similar mistake. I was upset about a child in a hospital -not in our area code. The rule was if we used the company phone we must charge the cost to our home phone. I thought I did that. Fortunately,I was the person who had to check all calls - imagine how embarrassed I was when I saw a call to that hospital charged to the company phone. I guess in my haste & confusion, I gave the # I was most used to instead of my home phone #. I immediately called & explained. Not only were they understanding, they insisted on 'forgiving' the cost. Does your caregiver use your mother's card for your mother's purchases? She may have just picked up the wrong one. Anything is possible - but only she/he knows what really happened!
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Be direct and ask her why she did this. The answer may guide you towards a more clearer action.
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You need to talk to her and to your mother to find out if she was making a purchase on your mother's behalf - after all Christmas is coming, and elderly people do have needs. Before you make a judgement get all sides of the story. After that if there is no excuse you can make it clear this is not acceptable and any further problems you will need to part with her, or you can get rid of a very good carer and start a search which will no doubt cost you considerably more. Personally even if it was inappropriate then provided you can get reason for it and assurances it won't happen again I would give carer a second chance, but you really do need to know the background to what happened.
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I would question her about the charge and I would let her go. If you can’t trust a caregiver not to use your Moms credit card without your permission how can you possibly trust her to care for your Mom? Also don’t understand why you paid her speeding ticket? Is she not responsible enough to obey the law regardless of why she was in the car driving? I think you gave an inch to this woman out of appreciation and she is taking a few additional inches. She might just be too comfortable IMO.
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Just a thought going around in my head. The OP feels awkward confronting the caregiver. She shouldn’t. I believe in being fair and giving a person an opportunity to explain. There has to be good communication for any relationship to succeed. There has to be proper communication for issues to be resolved.

Just wondering though, when does a feeling move past being awkward and develop into fear for some people? So many people have unrealistic anxiety. I have seen fear cripple people.

For instance, my summer job as a kid was at at convenience store. I got robbed at gun point. My daddy pitched a fit and asked me not to go to the police line up for fear of the robber retaliating.

I get that he loved me but I went to the line up. I couldn’t identify anyone and my dad was happy. He also told me to quit my job there.

I think people are afraid to speak to one another. Does anyone else feel this way?
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Longears Dec 2019
I think some of the fear of confrontation comes from the bad things that we read in the paper or hear on the news.

A caregiver knows our schedules, the layout of our homes, perhaps the code to the security system. Our pets know them & accept their presence. Even if the caregiver is trustworthy, someone in their family or circle of friends may not be. An offhand remark or casual conversation could have unknown ripples.

We had a caregiver who was very anxious to get in our basement. She wanted to know what we had down there that she could sell on craigslist. Her son was in jail & did not have bond money. After the 2nd time I found her in the guest room doing unrequested "cleaning" I called the agency & said we had decided pursue other care options.

Did I complain about her to the agency? No. I was not comfortable with the potential fallout. As it was she sent me letters & left gifts on our porch hoping to become friends. Kinda creepy.
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I would have a serious discussion with her. I have a real problem with people who steal from others. I had two cleaning ladies steal from me in the past. Expensive china and other things. I was 100% certain they took my stuff and put it in their big cart of housekeeping supplies. I confronted both of them, and fired them on the spot. I did not call the police, but was very disappointed in them and glad I let them go. I would confront her and do let her know how you feel. If it was me I would let her go and try to find someone else. She broke your trust in her, shame on her. I would not let her get away with this. She will not learn anything from her actions and might not stop at $28. You will not be doing her a favor if you just let it go. Stealing is stealing big or small.
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You have 30 days to review the charge through the credit card company and see if the purchase was authorized or if your mother authorized a user. False accusations are just as harmful. Do your part first so you are not mistaken.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
It's still a discussion that should be generated by the agency employer I think. It's really a tough call, but at least once the employer agency knows the concern they can advise her how to handle it. It could be that others have voiced concern with no firm proof...ALSO if this is a private agency, they are not obligated to do background checks...so there could be (hope not) a history. IF no check has been done, I'd be asking for one. Especially before letting someone into our home...
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Elder theft is particularly heinous.
You will have to make your own decision on how to handle.
But I will share with you my perspective:

Our elder had her entire costume jewelry and precious jewels and other random items from the house stolen. In small batches over time.

Hidden very far in a corner with tons of stuff on top of it? No worries -- they have tons of time when the elder is in a trance watching TV to search and find and take. Stuff in a safe? ha... meet the crowbar.
Very, very sad.
Agency hire? You report it to the agency and have her replaced. They have insurance and procedures for this.
Direct hire?: After you find a replacement, you report it to the police. So we have taken on the following... our home care job application requests all of the same information you would give to a regular employer.
Date of birth, confirmation of ability to work in this country, Driver's license, make and model of car, car license plate number, emergency contact information. As well as the rest: employment history, references, etc.

In your new hire procedures you use a check list of duties. Emergency procedures.
And make your procedures clear about what happens if something goes missing in the house. ____ You state we have had things stolen and we call the police when it happens. The police come and interview the caregivers. Period. (You have to have police report in order to get insurance money.)

The caregiver initials every line item on your list so you know everything is clear. And they are not taken by surprise. The police WANT you to report these things.
And it is important. The police come mostly to be sure the elder is not being physically abused. But they can interview the caregivers to ask about it. Most likely she will fold in their presence. You decide if you want to press charges, but it does not hurt to make sure everyone who works for you is aware of how you handle things.

Good luck.
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