First and foremost I want to thank all of you for kind support, kicks in the a$$ to stop overthinking the situation, and ideas on how to handle everything. You truly were a lifeline when I was drowning.
As for the update:
Mom's mood has stabilized towards me quite a bit. Yes she's still backbiting and under the guise of *well that's just how I see it* being judgemental and just a jerk. I kinda listen, just enough so that she feels heard which seems to help her keep from having fits. I do pop up with the occasional *well yeah, in some ways that makes sense, but everyone is different and likes different things and thinks differently about things. As long as it's not dangerous, hurtful, or going to have severe long lasting bad repercussions what's the big deal?*. Sometimes it gives her pause, mostly it irritates her that I don't take her side.
I've talked to my brother and he has said that if it continues or gets worse, holler... he'll come and get me. He knows how tough handling Mom is, he lived with her off and on for years in between his stints in prison.
I also was able to ask my aunt if sometime we could get together away from here at Grandma's house so I could ask her about some things. I found it funny when after she said of course, she asked if part of it was whether some of the things Mom talks about really happened LOL. I also gave her a quick rundown of what's going on in my neck of the woods and I might need to go home sooner than expected. The look on her face...oh my...she understood but it was a look of *Oh sh*t...*. I did tell her I felt awful about going back on what I said but my son takes precedence over Mom. My aunt has never been married nor has any children but seemed to understand why I feel more of a draw to help my son.
All in all things look much less bleak to me and I am setting things up so if I do have to go it's not totally out of left field. The ones that are in a position to get Grandma help or place her can start exploring options now while it's not as urgent.
There are still lots of other issues but now that I'm getting the family support behind me, I think it'll be easier for me to start placing boundaries with my Mom. Such as I have my aunt in town that I've not went and visited since I got here at the end of August. The reason is Mom has a fit if I'm gone too long. It was just easier to avoid the situation than deal with it. Now that I feel like I've got somebody that will help if Mom has one of her fits and stand with me or shore me up should I waver.
I read your profile. Can I give you a good bit of advice? It comes from 25 years of experience working as a caregiver and as a family caregiver too.
Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the person being cared for.
Your mother like mine, like her own, and like so many of our nation's beloved seniors will throw a tantrum or be difficult when there is no need to be, as a way to control and bully their caregivers. Especially when the caregiver is one of their daughters (it's very rarely pulled on a son). If you bend over backwards trying to please these people, don't set boundaries, and allow them to treat you like a doormat - They will.
My mother was famous for complaining about the meals I made her. I can't remember one that wasn't served with a side order of snideness. Until one day years ago, I took her plate away and threw it in the garbage. I only had to do this a few times for that lesson to be learned.
Snide comments about the food means you go hungry or fend for yourself. For a while I stopped cooking anything for her and she had to get by on stale crackers and peanut butter.
I don't let her ruin special occasions anymore either. She will be invited. I will even arrange transportation for her. If she starts in way with the snideness (direct or indirect), instigating (she does this by bringing up politics or some other issue that will have people at each other's throats), or with the spreading of negativity she is brought home immediately.
I lived with my mom too so I know how it is. You are an adult though. You do not owe her an explanation for where you go or for how long you stay out.
If she has a "fit" about it, tell her plainly that if she's going to throw tantrums and bully, that you will go back home and let both her and your grandmother fend for themselves.
Tough love, boundaries, and ignoring are the cure for fits and tantrums.
Thanks for the update. Some days I am sure are good and some are bad, and sometimes it helps to just look on it as a weather system. Start singing a few lines of "Stor-mey WEA-ther" and move on.
I don't know if I recommended the book by Gretchen Staebler, a memoir called Mother Lode to you or not. If I didn't please consider it. She moved back home, traveling cross country with her cat to take care of mom in 90s in the Pacific NW. They BOTH were rather more than less into control, and Mom was a PISTOL, all 80 pounds of her. There is pathos AND humor, Such a great memoir; you'll identify and feel less alone in the lonely time. She too had help. But sometimes help just isn't enough.