My bf and I are so happy to have found each other Altho late in life (mid 60s). We are loving & respectful and have a simple, fun and healthy lifestyle. We are each other's best friend and companion and are having the best relationship of our lives.
After 30 years, he and his wife agreed it was over and they separated. We had already met and after he moved out we jumped into this. Perhaps it was unrealistic to ignore but he put off filing for divorce. We have been together 18 months.
Now she has been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s at 64 and bc she is not close to her siblings, and they are still married, he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what
I fear he will be the martyr and throw away the best years he has left. I’m trying to help by gathering info and reading and listening. Since I’m his happy place, he can only talk so much. I get it.
How can I understand and know if we dont talk deeply about this? Why doesn’t he get home care? He actually slept there all week bc she had a tooth infection and she wasn’t doing well with taking her meds for it and her Alzheimer meds.( I only just found a pill Dispensers with alarms on line). He’s worried what his kids would think if he left her alone and overdosed. I think he is exaggerating and not giving credit to his kids who would understand this is not entirely his responsibility. And would not expect him to be sleeping there since he has a relationship and a home elsewhere. And I think his adult daughter should take on more than every other Saturday… she cld sleep there some nights… she has no kids and lives in the same town They have money, he should have someone in there.
I think he is lacking boundaries and going to confuse her as well as overburden himself.
I wish there was some guidance for people wanting to help their estranged or ex spouse. Even if they were divorce I would expect and support him helping her bc he is a kind person and she is the mother of his kids. I would do the same. But I think he’s not proceeding in a healthy way considering they did not have any kind of intimate or even affectionate relationship for over 5 years before I met him. She didn’t want anything to do with him.
I think it’s very possible to help her while respecting our relationship. But this does not seem like a good start.
I am so worried for him and us. HELP:(
There really isn't anything you can do and I'm sorry to say that. He has to make a decision. Either he's going to get on with his life as he planned. Or he's going to be a martyr and become a care slave to the wife he was going to divorce.
You can still have a relationship with him, but it has to be on your terms.
Many former spouses help take care of an ex when they are sick. I did caregiving for my ex-husband when he was ill and I was remarried to someone else. Nothing wrong with that.
When you're dealing with it being Alzheimer's and dementia the taking care of them can go on for years. Even decades.
How many of your good and retirement years do you want to spend with a man who will not be able to be a good companion to you?
One who will not be able to share a home with you, or take trips together, or socialize, or even just go to dinner with you unless he arranges ahead of time for someone to babysit his wife with Alzheimer's.
You and your boyfriend have a lot to think about and talk about. You know what they say though. There's better fish in the sea than have ever been caught.
At this point in your life, you should be enjoying your life. Don't waste it on a man who won't make a commitment to you.
Thank you for your kind response
you are on point.
I really should have pressed for something more firm - I’m afraid I’m one of those ‘I want it to come from him so I know he really wants it’ girls. He asked me not to push and so I didn’t. But that was along time ago and I should have thrown that back onto the table. I know he loves me deeply it shows every day in his actions. But yea. We must now talk if it. :(. I hope he can help his wife, AND do right by me.
thanks again.
best answer award.
BUT:
1) There was 30 years of separate living (and many problems), not a fairly smooth slide from marriage to separation. And of course the divorce (though admittedly that took 10 years because I refused to do the legal work for free and pay for half the costs).
2) After seeing him, I left and went home to my own life. I never stayed in his home or his daily life when he was ill.
Your BF has regressed to being a married man in a marriage that’s got problems. You have regressed to being a girlfriend on the side, hoping that you may turn into Wife Number 2 at some time in the future. You have no real links except getting on well with him (which is normal for a GF on the side).
Is this what you expected? Is it where you want to be? Step back and look at what is now a different relationship. Would you ever have taken it on willingly?
We've read stories here of divorced people who STILL care for their exes out of love and a sense of caring after a lifetime of togetherness and memories. 18 months of fun cannot and will not override 30 years of marriage, in many cases, especially since he's still married. If he has any sense of decency about him at all, he's doing the right thing by caring for her now. As it currently stands, he's having an affair with you and his allegiance is to his wife.
Never be a side piece for a man no matter what age. He never got a divorce so he is still legally obligated to his wife. Vows say; "In sickness and in health."
Your first sentence is brilliant! I so agree with never giving a ‘boyfriend’ husband privileges.
Sometimes, women get caught up in their own little dream world filled with delusional thoughts. Or perhaps they were deceived by a man that they were attracted to.
Even if a woman makes the mistake of giving a ‘boyfriend’ husband privileges, she can still take control and can turn it around and walk out of a situation that is destructive to her well being.
I am a big proponent of walking away and have a person who shouldn’t be in our lives, becoming nothing more than a distant memory.
Case #1 - GF lived with a wealthy married man for 35 years. He had a wife and 4 kids on the other side of town. By the time GF was 30, he'd bought her a hideaway for the two of them, where he could park his car unseen. They traveled, he bought her more property, made her rich. But when he got sick, he went home to his wife, who nursed him through his long death of Parkinson's. Case #2 - Man left wife ten years ago, separation not divorce, moved in with KS. Love, all smiles, good times, travel, lots of drinking and him taking over her money. Man still took his wife to doctor appointments and attended family events with her. Wife died, he was there. Obit listed as husband, which he still was. Finally he's a widower who surprisingly!! has no intention of marrying KS, so they split. He's in her house and she can't get him out. She moved to a new place and at 75, looking about 90. She's now an alcoholic. Case #3 - Guy moved in with divorcee, fun and good times with her young family. Can't get him to commit but this love of a lifetime will work out. One day he shows up, packs all his things, walks out without a word. She hears the gossip; he moved back in with his ex, who she thought was out of the picture but never was.
A side piece is what they used to call it.
"But it's different with us!"
Usually it isn't. That's sad.
I am writing this for your sake, and I am not criticizing you. I fear you are being used.
It seems that it was very convenient for your married man to move in with you. This gave him a rest and relaxation from his non-functional marriage. It is a red flag that he never made an honest commitment to you. Is he even legally separated?
You have been spending time with a man whom you treat as a husband. However, you don't have the benefits of marriage. You have no legal status. I bet you're not in his will. If he has a pension, are you named his beneficiary? You may be willing to take care of him in sickness and health. But what is he doing for you? It seems he can't even commit to a "deep conversation." I suspect he is evasive with his answers and perhaps not truthful. I think you need to contact a good therapist. ASAP. You may find relationship coach Jonathon Aslay (YouTube) and his books interesting.
johathonaslay.com/midlifelove.
I know this doesn't answer your question, but I am concerned for your well being. This man's obligation is to his wife and he is showing you that. This must be very hurtful to you. I wish you the best.
You also want his daughter to step up so you can have more of him yourself. You believe that because his daughter has no children more of the burden of her mother's care should fall on her and free up her father's time for you.
You've only been in this relationship for 18 months. Sounds like you went in with concerns that he didn't divorce her and well, now your worst fear about him is coming true. And you won't be honest with him about what you feel so you speculate about what he thinks.
There are so many levels of denial going on with you, with him, with you both as a "couple". Give him the space and freedom to deal with his wife and family.
Honestly this will not end well for you. You need to have a frank discussion with him but ultimately I think this relationship is doomed. It is very telling that he did not go forward with the divorce. When I got a divorce, I couldn't get out of that fast enough. When my current husband got divorced from his last wife...again it couldn't happen fast enough. This man never moved forward on his divorce while developing something with you. Why?
She is the mother of his children, his estranged wife who he was with for 30 years.
He might be feeling some guilt because maybe he started his affair with you because of her behaviors, which now make sense because she has been diagnosed.
I think you are to the part where it’s: if you love him, let him go. If it’s meant to be, he will come back.
I’m sorry for you that your happy and carefree relationship is no longer. I’m sure it was lovely and how nice in your 60s you had that for a time.
on top of all this my mom just passed away.
I will get all my answers and then I will decide.
If not, I will be vey sad and back away.
As said he is still married to her. Your going to need to give him space to figure this all out. She may need to be placed eventually. That means splitting of assets. You may need to be his soft spot to land. A place to go and a person to be with that is there for him. No telling him what he should or should not do. A place to go where he can forget about caring for her. Its up to him and his children to figure out how much of their time can be given for her care. Up to them how they proceed.
If you cannot be his go to person, then u need to tell him. But, I would wait before I throw a good relationship away. You could try to find ways to help to lighten his load. Maybe u can grocery shop. But, you will need boundries so ur not taken advantage of. Don't feel guilty if you find you cannot be with him anymore. Thats OK, he really is not free.
Happy places are created by open honest communication. If he has gone crickets about his wife's situation, that he has planted himself squarely in, you should be very scared and prepared to be further used by this male if you don't step up and speak out.
I would recommend leaving what you think his children should do out of any conversations; because you are already seen as an interloper in their parents marriage and trying to guilt them into stepping up will only be more of a wedge. It is not their responsibility to prop up their mom, that is a husband's position.
This is what happens when unmarried people date married people. The married people are married for a reason - they like the status quo.
He needs to see an Elder Law attorney in his state to see about dividing his and wife's assets so that she can be eligible for Medicaid after spend down.
He needs to be talking to a professional third party (therapist) about how to decide what level of involvement he can sustain in caregiving. He (the spouse) is the one with an obligation here, not the children, despite what you think.
Often in a relationship we make up what the other person thinks.
You are doing just that to an extraordinary degree.
You tell us that you cannot discuss this with him.
Then you tell us what you THINK he thinks.
You tell us what you THINK, if he THINKS that, he should do.
A) This isn't an ex-spouse.
This is a spouse he never divorced.
B) He won't discuss this with you.
He has children with this woman, and they all are dealing with a spouse/mom with dementia.
Now on to what I THINK.
I think that you need to bow gracefully OUT OF ALL OF THIS.
I would tell this gentleman that a lot has fallen on his plate, and he clearly has to come to some settling of his mind how to proceed forward with his life in all of this.
I would tell this gentleman that he has my utter sympathy, that he must feel in a state of shock, and that there are cognitive therapists out there or licensed social workers in private practice to help him deal with this life transition.
I would tell this gentleman you care for him, but simply cannot be involved in this, cannot help with his working it out, cannot help with his decisions.
Then I would get on with my life, and stop making up stories about what you think he thinks and what you think he should do.
He never divorced this woman.
That was no accident, is what I myself think.
I am so sorry. But leave him be. He is suffering enough confusion, and his kids need him now. Wish him the very best. Move on.
Your boyfriend is her husband, and he apparently takes that seriously. This speaks well for his character. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look good for your relationship. If he’d wanted to divorce her, he would have. He didn’t, and you consequently have no claim on him, nor can you expect him to do what you ask. You might suggest that you go to counseling together to clarify the goals of your relationship, but he’s so involved in his wife’s care that he may not want to involve himself in something that would take even more of his energy. He’s probably on emotional overload already.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
Our OP comes from another culture where children are more likely to step in and do the caregiving than in our own, I think, from her responses above.
But yes, it sounds worrisome and he may throw the best years of his life to martydom