Is there some guidance for helping an estranged/ex-spouse newly diagnosed with Alzheimer’s while respecting boundaries re new life partner?

Your boyfriend (the married guy) needs to sign up here and get advice about how to manage a spouse with dementia.

He needs to see an Elder Law attorney in his state to see about dividing his and wife's assets so that she can be eligible for Medicaid after spend down.

He needs to be talking to a professional third party (therapist) about how to decide what level of involvement he can sustain in caregiving. He (the spouse) is the one with an obligation here, not the children, despite what you think.

This gentleman isn't an "ex spouse". He is a married man.

Often in a relationship we make up what the other person thinks.
You are doing just that to an extraordinary degree.

You tell us that you cannot discuss this with him.
Then you tell us what you THINK he thinks.
You tell us what you THINK, if he THINKS that, he should do.

A) This isn't an ex-spouse.
This is a spouse he never divorced.
B) He won't discuss this with you.
He has children with this woman, and they all are dealing with a spouse/mom with dementia.

Now on to what I THINK.
I think that you need to bow gracefully OUT OF ALL OF THIS.
I would tell this gentleman that a lot has fallen on his plate, and he clearly has to come to some settling of his mind how to proceed forward with his life in all of this.
I would tell this gentleman that he has my utter sympathy, that he must feel in a state of shock, and that there are cognitive therapists out there or licensed social workers in private practice to help him deal with this life transition.
I would tell this gentleman you care for him, but simply cannot be involved in this, cannot help with his working it out, cannot help with his decisions.

Then I would get on with my life, and stop making up stories about what you think he thinks and what you think he should do.
He never divorced this woman.
That was no accident, is what I myself think.

I am so sorry. But leave him be. He is suffering enough confusion, and his kids need him now. Wish him the very best. Move on.

From your profile: "...We have been together 18 months. I live with him part time bc I have elderly parents out of town..." So, your commitment to your elderly parents is why you live with him part-time yet you cannot understand his commitment to his wife?

You also want his daughter to step up so you can have more of him yourself. You believe that because his daughter has no children more of the burden of her mother's care should fall on her and free up her father's time for you.

You've only been in this relationship for 18 months. Sounds like you went in with concerns that he didn't divorce her and well, now your worst fear about him is coming true. And you won't be honest with him about what you feel so you speculate about what he thinks.

There are so many levels of denial going on with you, with him, with you both as a "couple". Give him the space and freedom to deal with his wife and family.

As everyone has pointed out...this is his wife and as such, his responsibility. You don't get to decide how much his kids participate.

Honestly this will not end well for you. You need to have a frank discussion with him but ultimately I think this relationship is doomed. It is very telling that he did not go forward with the divorce. When I got a divorce, I couldn't get out of that fast enough. When my current husband got divorced from his last wife...again it couldn't happen fast enough. This man never moved forward on his divorce while developing something with you. Why?

Since I'm his happy place, he can only talk so much, I get it. WHAT?

Happy places are created by open honest communication. If he has gone crickets about his wife's situation, that he has planted himself squarely in, you should be very scared and prepared to be further used by this male if you don't step up and speak out.

I would recommend leaving what you think his children should do out of any conversations; because you are already seen as an interloper in their parents marriage and trying to guilt them into stepping up will only be more of a wedge. It is not their responsibility to prop up their mom, that is a husband's position.

She's his wife! There's a reason he never filed for a divorce. That's because he wanted to stay married to her! I can't imagine telling a man, "You shouldn't be taking so much care of your wife, who has Alzheimer's Disease. Your daughter should be the one taking care of her! After all, your daughter doesn't have any children and she lives nearby. So stop taking care of your wife and let your daughter take over!"

This is what happens when unmarried people date married people. The married people are married for a reason - they like the status quo.

There is a saying; "Never give a boyfriend husband privileges." I can share my folk's tale here. My father packed his clothes and left my mom and my disabled sister. No word and no forwarding address. He took the checkbook. Mom worked sometime in her life but not long enough to draw her own benefits, so she was totally dependent on dad. I think she held up pretty good under the circumstances. She continued to work in her garden, keep up with housework, and take care of younger child. Fast forward, mom got sick and died. Five months later dad married woman who was a few years younger than my older sister. I had to take over mom's duty taking care of the house and younger sib while I worked full time and went to college. Eventually, I had sister placed. I can tell you that dad had this side chick since I was in middle school. This woman was about twenty. Dad was about fifty. Dad never wanted a divorce and later told my mom that he was planning to come back home.

Never be a side piece for a man no matter what age. He never got a divorce so he is still legally obligated to his wife. Vows say; "In sickness and in health."

The guidance I would give you is to find a man who's not married to get involved with. This does not guarantee he won't care for a sick ex wife of 30 years, however, should she need it. Just reduces the chances of it.

We've read stories here of divorced people who STILL care for their exes out of love and a sense of caring after a lifetime of togetherness and memories. 18 months of fun cannot and will not override 30 years of marriage, in many cases, especially since he's still married. If he has any sense of decency about him at all, he's doing the right thing by caring for her now. As it currently stands, he's having an affair with you and his allegiance is to his wife.

I have a feeling they separated due to her Dementia and perhaps she wasn't properly diagnosed yet . The Fact he did not divorce her speaks Volumes . Often times men tell Woman " they are separated and awaiting divorce " Thats when I show them the Door - come Back when you are divorced otherwise you are being used .

Naive idealism vs Bitter realism. The pendulum swings.

This is a heartbreaking story. Alzheimer’s is such a beast. We know that it is reported that sometimes as long as 10 years before diagnosis the symptoms have been developing. Sometimes, perhaps even often, change in intimacy is a symptom. Five years ago we were going into a pandemic that shook the world.
We all lost our minds to one degree or another. The fallout will continue forever. Then for this family, and many others affected by shootings, disease, opioids, etc. the pain is magnified.

The father, husband, goes AWOL for 18 months until what? He is just now hearing that his wife has been diagnosed and he’s gone home to administer antibiotics? That sounds a bit weak. But truth is stranger than fiction we are told.
In all this talk of lack of boundaries and sacrifice and guides and responsibility there are a few known facts that stand out.

The man in question is married, has been for 30 years, still is and finally appears to be setting boundaries for his own conduct and accepting responsibility for the family he has spent 30 years building.
He may have strayed, the kids may not forgive him, but he is so needed where he is that I can’t help but wish for this family a semblance of normalcy in the most basic of ways.
A true, legal, tenured partner tending his sick wife, a father setting an example of what it means to make a commitment to a family and not expecting his children to carry his water.
A clear head to manage the maze of Alzheimer’s and care for a wife that though diagnosed with a terminal illness could live another 20 to 30 years.

A relationship is more than a case of “finders keepers, losers weepers”.
There is no idyllic outcome here.
The true baggage of what comes with Prince Charming must be dealt with and by now you are most likely waking to that reality.
Even if he wanted to run away with you, which it doesn’t appear he wants to, his finances are tied up and he must not be willing to just live on love, right?

There is always a book in my world that needs to be read for almost any problem as most problems have been experienced and this one is no different.
Only your pain is fresh.
The book that comes to mind is a quick read. “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” by Peter McWilliams. Read it now for the loss of the glow on the last 18 months. You can decide later on if it was an illusion all along.
Start there.
Understand that it is never the other person who “must” this or that. It is always we, in this case you, who “must” establish boundaries, be responsible, not be a martyr etc etc.
The guide you are looking for was there all along, knowing he was a married man. I know that’s not convenient but it still matters to some, hopefully most.

What comes next remains to be seen and Medicare covers therapy.