My husband & I unfortunately live in different countries for now and he is a caregiver for his parents who's health are rapidly declining especially this year. He has no siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles who can help out, so he is fully on his own. He's incredibly burnt-out & I said some things I feel terrible about last night.
Last night we had our first argument ever in 3 years because every time he's supposed to come visit, there's always something that pops up the day before with his parents. The first few times this happened I thought ok, this is just bad luck and a coincidence, but now I've caught onto the pattern. Things will be smooth sailings for a while, then all of a sudden things go south right before he's about to leave.. I think they're afraid to let him leave for a week or two and they act up (usually I'd cave & go alright I'll just come to you then, don't worry about it). He was supposed to be here a week ago but there was "scheduling issues" with the nurses coming to the home legit the day before leaving (I'm 99% sure his dad called them and messed with the schedule). Now there's "emergency appointments" all of a sudden (which aren't really emergencies) so he can't be here for another few days. This has happened before & it ends up the whole trip is cancelled cuz things keep popping up and we don't get to see each other.
I got really upset last night over video call & told him I'm starting to resent his parents for not letting him leave, the way they treat him, & for the incredible amount of debt they just discovered they're in (meaning finding proper care for them isn't an option). I also said this isn't how I expected our marriage to go & that I'm worried rarely being able to see each other is going to drive us apart, and that I don't want to stay at his parents' house anymore if I don't have to. I also told him I'm angry that he hasn't taken matters into his own hands when it comes to scheduling nurses early enough before a planned trip instead of leaving it up to his parents. I told him too that they have had over 50 years of marriage, now it's our turn to have a chance at that.. we should be building a life together, not have our lives evolve around his parents..
My poor husband is so burnt out, just exhausted and depressed. He's got so much on his plate so I feel horrible for what I said. On the other hand I've been supporting, patient, and helping out whenever I'm there. He's very hurt by what I said last night, I understand why and I should've handled it differently. He thinks our marriage isn't as strong as he thought it was before last night.
I don't know what to do to make his life easier anymore. I'd never leave him, ever, but it feels like it's starting to be too much for both of us & I'm starting to get fed up. He's trying to please everyone which is impossible, and his own well-being is on the back burner which is very sad.
Any advice on how to handle this? How can I help my husband balance his life more? How can I talk to him about how I feel without being selfish? How to talk to his parents about letting him leave once in a while despite their fears (his dad is a classic aging narcissist and his mom is very passive, making them difficult to reason with)? What kind of additional support can be set up for them to make sure they feel comfortable him being gone sometimes?
Good luck
The baby bird grows and leaves the nest.
If the baby bird DOESN'T leave the nest when it is grown, then that baby bird is not ready to raise it's own family.
You don't have an inlaw problem.
You have a husband problem.
We cannot change others. We can only change our own choices. I think you will be very unhappy if you persist in unrealistic expectations of this man. It is said of broken marriages that the couple ALREADY KNEW what would break the marriage on the day they married. I have found this to be true, personally.
I wish you luck in your own choices. You already know things; you have choices to make that none of us can really assist you in.
There is a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud that might be useful for you and your husband to read.
He needs to get in touch with social services in their country and find out how destitute elders are cared for there.
Did your husband grow up in a culture in which parents legitimately think of their children as their retirement plan? If so, then he had no right to marry someone who didn't anticipate a life of servitude and self-abnegation.
The parents are probably in on the scam to get their married off to an American, Canadian, or Western European spouse.
This way they can also benefit from the meal-ticket status.
Granted, old people pull the fake "emergencies", the "staged" falls, and the fabricated "crises" all the time as a tool to control and manipulate the people in their lives. It's also a common practice to get attention.
There does come a time when even the people who love them the most say enough already.
The fact that your husband isn't telling his parents enough already and returning to his rightful place with you his wife, is what I'd be worried about.
His parents can be put into a care home. Such places do exist all over the world. You say they've got nurses coming and they have a house so I'm going to assume that they're not living in the third-world.
My friend, I don't want to be the one to tell you what I think you probably already know and if you don't then you probably have some suspicions.
Your husband is using his parents and the 24/7 caregiving he has to do for them as an excuse not to return home.
My guess would be he probably has another woman in the country he's living in.
I think it's time for you to take a little trip and see for yourself just how bad off your in-laws are and how much caregiving they actually need. Make it a surprise visit.
Then talk to a divorce lawyer.
What reason would come to your mind for why the husband won't come home?
I know what I'm thinking.
Do a 180. You KNOW by now that nagging, recriminating, railing, accusing (all quite justified!) is just…NOT working on this guy. And he has had the GALL to begin to question the marriage? Oh, sheesh! YOU are the one who ought to be questioning it.
But back to the 180. Do a turnaround. Be calm and neutral on the phone, don’t argue…just basically say, “mmm-hmmm, yes,I see…” and get off the line after a few polite sentences. Distance yourself emotionally. Let him SEE that you are just…over all the quibbling about it. Don’t call him, and maybe don’t answer his calls for a day or two. When he does get in touch, just say, “oh, I assumed you were busy with them.”
If he wants you two to stay married, he will sense your distancing, and make an effort to get his priorities straight. If not, well…call a lawyer. This would be a deal-breaker for me, frankly.
Best of luck to you.
It doesn't seem as though your husband is a free agent, does it?
When you guys got married, did you both understand that he was bound by culture/obligation to return to his parents' country to care for them?
How can a marriage be "strong" when one of the parties is more committed to parents and not to his wife?
Was this expected care of them discussed by you two before you married?
I don't know what to do, it feels wrong and unfair to make him choose between me & his parents which is why I've let things go until last night
Sorry, but I think it's time for an ultimatum.
I don't know how to help him put up solid boundaries with them & explain to him in a kind way that our life together should be priority.