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I think the time to ask this question sort of came and went a year ago when your uncle got the liver cancer diagnosis.

I think uncle is making a big mistake, and I'm sorry to say this, but I think the rest of you are going to bear the brunt of grandma's (justifiable) anger once uncle has passed. She is likely going to feel that she was "robbed" of time with him - and in essence, she kinda was - and if he is her favorite as you say he is, don't be surprised if she takes out her anger on the rest of you for not telling her (even though, yes, that responsibility really rested on uncle himself).

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid there are no easy answers here. I can only say that if I were your grandma, I'd want to know as soon as possible, even if the news were to "destroy" me, because that's going to happen either way. It's just not natural to outlive your children, and there's really nothing anyone can do to lessen that blow.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2021
Exactly my thought when I 1st read.
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Is the 86 year old mother competent? If she is competent, she should be told and allowed to prepare herself for his death, ideally by her son. You indicate he is saving himself from coping with his mother's dismay. Is she really so demanding a person he and others cannot cope?

My 63-year-old uncle died from complications of heart surgery unexpectedly 2 months after his father had died. My 81-year-old grandmother handled it quite well after the initial shock. By the time you have reached 86 years of age, you have coped with the loss of many people.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2021
Exactly, our elders are not as fragile as our young people. They have seen so very much.
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It is his decision if she knows or not, since it is his life.

Respect his wishes no matter what he decides.
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As a mother of 2 grown children, I have to say that regardless of what I had going on in my own life, that I would most certainly want to know if one of my children were sick and dying, as I would want to see them before they left this world, as I was with them when they came into this world. And I personally would be quite pissed off at those that chose to keep that information from me, regardless of their reasons why. But that's just me.
And the fact that your uncles mother lives abroad, she should be given the opportunity to come see him one last time, to say to him what she feel she needs to. It may be too late from what you're describing for her to make it here in time, but she should be given the choice herself. Perhaps you can at least let her facetime with him, before he dies.
No one wants to have any regrets in their life, and I'm afraid if you keep his mom out of the loop, that you all will have to live with that regret of not being honest with her for the rest of your lives. Something to think about for sure.
Praying for Gods peace in this situation.
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Won't she be equally devastated when he finally "suddenly" passes? Or will this be kept a secret as well? And won't she be devastated when she finds out there was a family "conspiracy" to keep her ignorant? I would make these points to your uncle as I think she should be told, but it is HIS decision. At the very least if he continues to keep it from her, see if he'd be willing to do a video of himself speaking to her and giving a diplomatic explanation of why he didn't want her to suffer with the knowledge of his illness, and giving a loving farewell to her. If he can't/won't do this, then it is what it is.
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This is your uncle's decision to make. If he instructs that the information is not to be shared with his mother, then nobody has the right to share it with her.

Of course, that doesn't mean that nobody *will* - cats tend to make their own way out of bags - but if you want the purist ethical line, there it is. Silence, everybody.

You or others (perhaps a pastor, or someone from the hospice team if he won't listen to family) can dispute this point with him. It will be a devastating blow to his mother to learn that her son took months to die and she was never given the opportunity to take her leave of him or adjust to the situation. But you can't know this: it may be that she will be glad she wasn't told. She may agree, ultimately, that she has been spared months of futile desperation or even false hope.

Another suggestion: ask him to write a letter to his mother that she can be given after his death. He doesn't have to explain himself or his decisions, or write about anything he doesn't want to. But he surely does owe it to his adoring mother to leave some record of farewell to her. All members of armed forces going into active areas are required to do this in case of mishap, and it is well established that last words and thoughts from the child a family has lost is of genuine comfort to the bereaved.
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