Is it easier when you anticipate your LO's death?

My only experience so far was with my nearly 101-yr old Aunt who had advanced dementia at the end. Her actual self was long gone, over the 10+ years of her dementia journey. She was leaving in increments, and my grief was happening in increments, also. So, when she passed it was a relief. May you receive peace in your heart!

When a person dies suddenly it is a shock. When they die after a slow painful illness it is a relief.

Even with the relief comes sorrow and even though we know death is imminent, somehow it is still a surprise that our loved one is truly gone.

For me, the younger someone is the greater the loss feels as they have not lived what we think of as a full life. The elderly, we console ourselves have lived a long full life.

There are, of course, always exceptions and no age or relief of illness can ever console us when our grief is fresh. Time doesn’t heal all but it does allow us to absorb the shock and accept that we all do die.

Grandma1954
July 26, 2023 7:55 am

Tryingmybest19,
I thought about this a lot.
After my Husband died I attended the Bereavement Support Group that Hospice had.
There was a woman there that told her story, her husband had a back ache, it did not resolve with typical home remedies so he went to the doctor. Doctor gave him muscle relaxer medication and that did not work so he sent him for some tests, (not sure if it was an X-ray or MRI) but the result came back stage 4 cancer that had spread from the spine throughout his body. His pain was unmanageable, he was admitted to Hospice. Hospice had him transferred to the In Patient Unit to manage the pain. His wife went home once he was settled in and several hours later she got a call that he had died. This was all in a 3 week time span.
I had 12 years after the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with my Husband.
I thought I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen. I read the books. I saw him decline. I watched him go from a smiling, joking man to a shell.
the morning he died I felt as if someone had ripped the heart from my chest and stomped on it.

Fast....
12 years.....
It hurts.
It is raw...
Death is never easy on the ones left behind.

No. There is nothing worse than watching someone slowly die. My father died after a very brief (2 weeks) illness, and I have found it way easier than watching my mother die slowly. Her mind is gone, her body is failing, she can only lie in bed and talk nonsense. Every positive memory I have of her is being slowly tarnished as I have watched her become a husk of a person over the past 3 and a half years.

Not only is it painful watching someone waste away so slowly, I am constantly on alert to "the phone call". She has been in hospice 3 times but always improves enough to have hospice removed. Anticipating a phone call for over 3 years is tortuous. Seeing someone waste away is even more so. So no, it is not easier in my opinion, it is the most painful, dreadful experience someone can endure.

My mom at age 93, went peacefully and quietly. I would wish such a calm passing on anyone. We weren't surprised, but taken aback, a little, as she had almost no signs of impending death.

We are now entering month 7 of the high drama that has been my MIL's experience in Hospice. She is slowly, so slowly going that it's making us all irritable and snappy. We've been on the 'she's going to pass within a week' about 4 times so far, and she always rallies and while is not any 'better', is still here.

This entire year has been devoted to her care and well being, at the detriment of the emotional well being of a lot of people--mostly her 3 kids, who are not young themselves. She demands, they produce. As an in law, with no say in her care, it's been incredibly depressing. My DH is depressed and often spends the day after his 'shift' with his mother in bed, or watching TV all day long. He's not handling this well at all.

People can live too long. They are miserable, the family is miserable and by the time they actually do die--the sense of relief can be almost, well, embarrassing.

As hard as a 'surprise' death it--it is SO MUCH more preferable to a long, drawn out drama. Since we don't get to choose, we just have to roll with the punches. I certainly would prefer the way my mom went over the way my MIL is going.

I lost my mother to cancer after a four-year battle. I watched her go from a vibrant, distinguished lady to someone who was bedridden and weighed 70 pounds at the end. During her illness she lost the ability to eat due to an unrelated esophagus issue. I, her son, had to help her dress and other things a mother should not have to endure.

My father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for over 10 years, during which my mother passed away from cancer. I was the caregiver for both. My father has required 24-7 care for about the last 3 years and, aside, from a little help, I have provided that care. He is a shell of his former self. Indeed, rarely do I see anything left of who was once my father. I do not know if he will be here 10 more days or 10 more years.

If I had my choice as the survivor or the person passing, make it quick. I would prefer to deal with the shocking, painful, suddenness rather than the long painful death anytime. Nevertheless, we do not get to choose.

I think there is no “easier”, whether anticipated or not, having experienced both.

My father dropped dead in his asparagus garden at age 72, 2 weeks after his first grandchild was born, the happiest event in his life.

My mother lingered, happy and safe and comfortable, in residential care until a week before her 95th birthday, and passed after a week in hospice care, in her sleep.

My recent LO was in hospice for a year and a half, for the last year of that time covered with pressure ulcers, and died 6 months after her 94th birthday.

Some easier, some harder, no pattern except trying to learn, on my part, that each loss has its own pattern.

Most were loved, are missed, and now, are fondly remembered.

I feel your pain. My mother is 100 and keeps falling. I have run over to her Memory Care place so many times, I can't even count. She is still mobile (with a walker) but getting weaker and weaker. My phone rings at all hours when they call me to tell me she fell again, I just keep thinking I am getting "that call". However, she heals and gets better. And then she falls again and we start all over.

I have a vacation coming up with my husband (who has been so patient with all this) and I hate to cancel it but I am afraid to leave her for even a week. I was asked by a friend what I am afraid of? I told her I don't want my mother to die alone. She replied, she can die alone when you are at home or away, you can't control this. But the guilt is so heavy.
I have planned everything (funeral wise) for when she goes, but it's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is very hard for all of us here.

I think in some ways it is easier. I knew it was coming with both parents and came to understand how very tired they were of life with so many health issues. It was very hard to lose them but also hard to wish either of them back knowing they were ready to go. I wish you peace

No it's not easier, but like already said, it's just different. I've experienced both the quick deaths and lingering and anticipating deaths.
My late husband who I was told wasn't going to make it through the night in Nov. 2018 as he had aspiration pneumonia, ended up living but developed sepsis and septic shock and was completely bedridden. On top of all that he also had vascular dementia, so when he did die in Sept. 2020, while I was sad to lose the man I loved, there was also relief that he no longer had to suffer.
So I guess with a sudden death there is shock and grief and with a death that is expected there is relief and grief.