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Mom had been in long term care for a few months, and Dad, who has some dementia, had been maintaining at home with aides coming in daily for a couple hours. After a fall, Dad was sent to rehab from the hospital, and it was clear that he wouldn't be able to be back at home on his own (even with aides there). He was in the same facility as Mom, and they were able to get them a room together for the last few weeks. (Being apart since March was the longest they had been apart in the 54 years together, so I was very happy that they could be together for a bit.)
She just passed away last week, and when I went to tell Dad the next day, he definitely understood and was processing it, but I'm not sure how much he is retaining it day to day.


He is not physically in too bad shape, but does not have the stamina to be up and walking for any period of time (nor does he have the desire to be up and about - would rather stay in bed or maybe his chair, and naps frequently). He is incontinent, and wearing depends, and sometimes will know when he has to go to the bathroom, but sometimes not.
Should I try to get him to Mom's funeral services? I feel like he should have the opportunity to go, but given how his memory is, does it do him any good in the long run?
I am reaching out to the nursing home to see what they can help arrange as far as transport and someone to be there with him, and also get their take on whether its a good idea.


I still remember my Grandmother's funeral where my Dad had to keep walking my Grandfather (with dementia) over to the casket to tell him again that it was his wife that had passed and who's funeral it was. I don't think it was good for either one of them. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing it to have him go because 'that's what you're supposed to do', but I'm already feeling guilty even considering not have him go because its the easier way out for me.
My relatives have been very kind through all of this with them, and I think they would understand if he's not there.
If anyone has any experience with this or advice, I would appreciate it.

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Do not be ruled by what you think one "is supposed to do.". Does your father want to go? Does he understand what the funeral is? If he does not understand or does not want to go, do not take him. Do not let others people's expectations put you or your father in an unreasonable situation. If your father wants to go, make that happen.
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First, I am sorry for your loss.

My answer is NO. He isn't going to remember, or may not understand why he is there. I'm sensing a tone in your words that you don't feel it's a good idea either. It's not an easier way out for you! It's an easier way for HIM. This will be too taxing on him physically and mentally.

Being in a new place even for a few hours is so unsettling to someone with dementia. Routine is vital to them, and the slightest thing can throw it all out of kilter for days or weeks. If he gets agitated or has physical issues (such as anxiety or incontinence), what would you be able to do help right then and there?

"Giving him the option to go" isn't really applicable here when he has little sense of what would be going on around him. It's a bit like taking a toddler to a funeral... they had the opportunity to go, but it means little to a toddler and they won't remember it later on anyway.
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When my second mom and her husband who were married 64 years, got in poor health, both ended up in the same nursing home. He ended up dying first, and when she was not able to attend his funeral, their family set it up on live video(that was back in 2018, and I don't know if Zoom was around then or not)that she was able to watch from her room on a laptop in the nursing home. I sat with her and watched it with her so she wouldn't be alone and so the family could all be at the church.
So I guess you could do something similar either on Facebook live, Zoom or the like. That way he can at least see what's going on and be able to honor his wife by at least being able to watch her service.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, and pray for wisdom in getting this figured out with your dad.
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Why not have just a memorial service, in your dad's room? (if possible)
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I too am sorry for your loss and wish you peace in your grief journey.

I have a bit different take on your question. I think it’s not about your father as much as you. He may or may not remember that his wife has died. You could streamline it by having an aide with him who can leave prior to it getting to be too much. My mom passed away at 102 and we had a viewing/Mass at the Church. My husband with dementia attended it and enjoyed the family interaction. If you think you will feel guilty about him not going in the future, I would arrange for him to attend
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His memory is not at critical stage and he is aware wife died. Take him to the visitation. Don't try to constantly redirect him to look in the casket. Let him do what he wants to while there - talk to people/friends/family. If he chooses to sit down, let him. Don't try to keep him there the whole time unless he appears that he is doing ok. In fact, tell him to let you know when he wants to leave and remove him from the funeral home. He may actually enjoy the visit with people he knows.

If he couldn't remember things from one minute to the next, my answer would be totally different.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
My sentiment exactly.
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So sorry for your loss 🙏🏼
I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to go to funeral. He can cause a disruption & start screaming. The whole ceremony will revolve around him..not your Mom. Have people come to the house better. He probably won’t even be able to process or understand where he is or why. If he causes a big commotion the funeral Director can ask he not participate. What if he needs diaper change? Leave him home w aides. Maybe funeral home can arrange virtual ?Hugs 🤗
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I think I'd have a small family memorial at the nursing home with Dad there, and not have him at the bigger service.

My mother was at my dad's service because she was still able to walk and comprehend what was going on, or so we thought. She definitely needed that closure and she and Dad were very active in their church, so she did need to be there. However, it was clearly very traumatic for her on top of losing her husband (and caregiver) of 66 years.

I'm not 100% sure I'd have done it again, and I sure wouldn't have if she was completely incontinent.
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cwillie Oct 2021
I'm not sure why you see incontinence a barrier, lots of women live with some level of urinary incontinence for decades and bowel incontinence wouldn't necessarily be a problem either unless the person has huge unpredictable blow outs or the service took place hours away from the NH.
I do think that your idea for a memorial is a good compromise.
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My take: someone with dementia has a right to participate in activities and be part of the community. Yes, it's very much a lot of work, especially with mobility issues and incontinence. My husband seems just as happy on the couch at home as he would going actually anywhere. At that point his isolation or participation in society and with his family becomes my responsibility. I take that very seriously, maybe too seriously. But his dropping out of life only makes me sadder and him in worse physical and mental condition. That being said, every situation is different. I would do everything in my power to get him to the service. Asking for help becomes necessary. And then if something happens at the last minute to change plans that's OK. There are many challenges involved. I just try to solve them. Sometimes it works out and sometimes not. I purchased canes that fold down to become stools for resting. I'm considering purchasing a walker that also serves as a resting seat. Regarding your question, "Does it do him any good in the long run." Actually I don't look at the long run. If a dementia client's outlook is continued deterioration, that is the long run. It's difficult for everyone, and especially you. For me it's the day-to-day that has become the focus. IMHO each day needs to have meaning, physical and mental activity. (After a big outing a full day of rest is often the most meaningful.) I'm not perfect about this, but I try. Yes it's a lot of work... and emotionally it's quite a burden. You have your own grief as well. We all do the best we can. Hang in there. There is help and support available. Mostly you have to ask for it. I have learned to be very specific about what I need to happen when I ask for help. Regarding "my Dad had to keep walking my Grandfather (with dementia) over to the casket to tell him again that it was his wife that had passed..." this is very sad, and it's part of what dementia life is about. You just do what needs to be done. Yes, it's really difficult. But I'm guessing you're good at difficult things. I found that the more my husband's kids see of what is going on with their father, the more they are likely to understand and offer to help, or just help without being asked. Lastly, you have to make the decision that's best for your situation. I've just shared what I try to do and my outlook on this trying situation is probably not right for everyone. Just one idea.
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Invisible Oct 2021
I agree with your statement about getting the family involved so they know how they can help without being asked. And keeping the person with dementia involved in the community for their own mental stimulation and well being. Much depends on the capacity of the individual and the stress of the event.
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Follow-up to my question.
Every situation is different, but I want to let folks know what I ended up doing. For Mom's service, we did a visitation at the funeral home for an hour, and then did a procession to the cemetery where we did the actual service. (Very brief and simple, partially because it was a veterans' cemetery, and they keep to a very rigid and tight schedule.) Then we went to a restaurant for a very small reception afterwards.
I asked the NH to arrange for wheelchair transport for Dad with an aide to be around to give him a hand if needed, and just attend the service at the cemetery. The day before, I just told him - 'today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday the 19th, and the service for Mom. So don't give the girls a hassle when they try to get you up and moving tomorrow' [said in a teasing way, as he is more than content to just stay where he is - this is a long-standing thing, nothing new - and he had not wanted to get up for them that day] And he was just like 'yup' and nodded - no questions or anything.
When we got to the cemetery, the van was just dropping him off. I asked the aide if he knew why he was there, and she said that yes he did, he had said to her in the morning that today was the day of his wife's funeral. I of course sat next to him during the service, and he definitely was there in the moment - the look on his face and in his eyes said it all.
Unfortunately we didn't have time for him to interact with the relatives who came out because of the way the cemetery runs the services. I kind of regretted not having him at the visitation, but trying to move him around so much, and the time, I think I made the best decision that I could at the time. He would have been happy to go the restaurant, but he eats very slowly, and I don't think it would have gone well.

Where we go now with him remembering that she is gone, who knows. He has already made a couple comments about calling her. The most important thing to me is that he was there in the moment at the service, and had a small chance to grieve, even if it was for a short while.
Good luck to anyone else trying to determine what they should do - just go with your gut, and what you know about your person.
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Geaton777 Oct 2021
Thank you for the very important follow-up. So glad to hear how it went for your dad and family. May you continue to gain peace in your heart.
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