I thought I was dealing with my mother's advancing dementia as well as could be expected. But this Christmas for the first time she was not at home (she is now in a nursing home) and it seemed to trigger the realization that the holidays as I have known them are over. And I have also found myself experiencing deep grief because the mother I knew is not here anymore. She is alive, but the woman I knew is gone, and the realization feels unbearable.
What you are experiencing is very, very normal. I'm glad you can recognize your grief. Your life has changed dramatically. You mom has spent the holidays in a nursing home for the first time and couldn't be part of the family Christmas.
You are grieving life as it was. You may even be idealizing the holidays as they were, but that's okay. Not having your mom there is a huge loss and grieving that loss is part of life.
We all grieve differently and at different times. Eventually, you'll likely get so you can treasure the good memories and bear the losses with less grief. But you'll likely have mixed feelings for a long time.
Your mom has the help she needs now and the safety of round the clock care. You've done your best and still are doing your best. Grieve, but don't hang on to any guilt. You'll struggle some but it will gradually become less painful. Take care of yourself, and please come back to check in with us.
Carol
As I have been reflecting over the last 2 1/2 years with mom, I have so many wonderful memories. The days this woman drove me insane are now some funny stories I can share. Those are my memories that will be with me forever.
Just try to be as present for your mom as much as possible, tell her over and over how much you love her. I believe, even in the end of moms life she was "in there" and understood what was going on. Even though her body and mind had failed her. Live in the moment, we don't know what waits us tomorrow.
Take care of your Mama and take care of yourself as well. Everything will be okay.
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