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I'm the Power of Attorney for my mom. I have 3 other sisters. My mom still lives at her home. We have a schedule in taking care of her. She has slight dementia but can still dress herself. Because most of my sisters work I have been taking care of my mom 4 days Mon-Thurs from 10am-6:30pm. One sister only watches her on Fridays the other 2 switch the weekends. I have been stressed out in many ways and now I have requested that I need it to be only 3 days that I will come in. From then all hell's broke loose. No one wants to do the Thursday and they have stress because I'm in charge and I need to figure this out myself. One sisters lives with my mom and refuses to come through even when she's home. There is a lot of drama going on now. Does the POA have to be the one to make this decision or are my sister's being unfair?

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POA is about handling your mom's money and healthcare proxy/POA is about making medical decisions, neither one requires you to be a hands on caregiver.
Since you are the one in control of the purse strings you are perfectly justified in using your mother's money to pay for outside caregivers to fill the gap.

Have you considered that your mother's needs will continually increase and may continue for years, even decades? I think your current care plan is unsustainable and it is time to explore your options.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
As cwillie says, having POA is about making financial and medical care decisions, it is NOT all-encompassing power to make ANYONE do your bidding. The decision to place mom or bring in help from outside the family should be one made by all of you, but as with many siblings this may not happen. If they choose to bury their heads in the sand, you will have to choose how to handle mom's situation and how to give yourself a break. There is no point to harboring anger at them - it is what it is and being angry will only impact you, not them. Move along without them. They resist any decision you make, too bad, so sad, you refused to help and told me it is ALL MINE, so buzz off pests!

If mom has enough assets, especially liquid (aka funds), you can bring in help or find a place for her. Before placing her, are there any adult day care places available that she might be able to go to? This could be an interim solution. If she does not have enough assets, then Medicaid would have to be considered, which either would require selling the house or having a lien put on it, which would mean Medicaid can recoup their costs after she passes.

Does she own the house free and clear (no mortgage)? Has she been deemed incompetent? (NOTE: even is she has been deemed incompetent, POA does NOT give one that power to move her! I know from first hand experience and feedback from EC atty when she refused to consider moving!)

I would explore your options and proceed as if you have no siblings. For the most part this is what I have to do despite having 2 brothers!
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This situation will not get better, the longer the home caretaking goes on the worse it will get. We are all entitled to a life, that includes you...just because you have her POA does not mean you have to give up your life for her. Yes, it is your responsibility to make decisions for her well-being. My decision would be to get her assets identified, consolidated, do your homework and start looking for a AL environment for her, thus taking the burden off of all of you. Yes, visit, but allow her to socialize and make new friends her own age, will make all the difference in world.
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The POA is the one with the authority to make this decision.

Does the sister that lives with mom pay rent and utilities? If not she needs to start so that money can be used to hire an aid for mom.

The hardest thing to realize is that each one of you get to decide how much, if any caregiving you will be providing. If they don't want to help you can't force them, but you can make arrangements that they have no say in. They don't get to tell you that you have to do it either.

Of course mom doesn't want to go to a facility or change her life in any way, but she may have to. She needs more care then 1 person can provide. Look at her finances and see what options are available for her care.

Good luck, it is not fun being the assigned decision maker for your parent. Hugs! You can do this.
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Roochiedog, one needs to realize that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I wasn't and I knew that from the start. It's not fair to the love one, nor fair to the person being placed into that position.

I was logistical care for my parents and that was exhausting in itself. I couldn't imagine doing hands-on. Please note close to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Imagine if you or one of your sisters pass on due to stress related issues. Other plans need to be made.

It probably has come to a point where your sisters are feeling they are enabling Mom to continue to stay in her house, and as others had mentioned on this forum it will only get more demanding since, as per your profile, your Mom has Alzheimer's/dementia.

Time to look at other options. My Dad sold his house [his choice] and moved to Independent Living as he was able to use the equity form the house for his rent. He loved it there. Later he needed to move to the facility's Assisted Living/Memory Care, and that worked out great.

Even with a parent being in senior living, one's caregiving does not stop. You are still on call for medical appointments, shopping, etc. And making sure your parent's ducks are all in a row regarding legal paperwork such as Wills, Medical Directives, etc.

Time for a family meeting. Listen to what each sister has to say. Ask for suggestions. This is for Mom best interest meeting.
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You are the power of attorney, and your sisters have already stated that they are not willing to help your Mom any more than they are helping her. So I am afraid it is on you. I think that it is time to place your Mom in assisted living. Call together the sisters and let them know that you will be doing this, and looking for a place for Mom. Ask them if they would like to help you come to a conclusion about the best place. Make it clear to them that this will be expensive but that you can no longer do this basically on your own, so this is the necessary move, and that you will, as you need to, have to liquidate assets to insure that your Mom is cared for during her lifetime. This is a full time job you have, and you will not get help from the sisters, and the bickering about it will simply add to the problems for you all. If you are able to keep Mom home for a few more years with some hired help. You will have to act on your own now as though you have no help, because, essentially you do not. They have already told you it is all on you. And it is. I am the only (aging) sister of a brother who needs assisted living. There isn't any help for us, but thank goodness, no bickering either.
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Could you hire someone for extra help for you? Fair or unfair, it’s the reality. It is what it is, even if it’s not right. You cannot force your sisters.
My mil has lived next door to us for almost 7 years since my fil passed away. She has dementia and is incontinent. I was angry and bitter because she has four children and my husband and I do it all. I finally confronted his brother who lives about twenty minutes away. He informed me that he is not his mother’s caregiver and he is not our respite. He owes his mom and us nothing. I finally realized this was reality and it would not change. We have an agency come in every week day. If we want a vacation, she goes into respite care at a nursing home. It’s very sad to me that my husbands family is so disconnected but me harboring anger gets us nowhere.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
It is sad that some offspring are just so out there. That brother was pretty rude. While I do understand that some people just are not cut out to be care-givers, there are many ways in which they could help, but choose not to. Last time my non-local brother was here (May 2018), we visited mom together once at her MC place, then I suggested he bring her coffee and a donut one morning before we head for condo cleanup duty. When we finished early one day, I suggested he go visit again (mostly because he doesn't get up here often) - he refused saying he doesn't know "what to do with her." This from one of TWO brothers who both said for the money they charge THEY would take her in (after their first MC check sticker shock.) Surrre...

We certainly can't make them help in any way or change their mindset (concrete!), so the only option is to find a way to get help from outside the family. As you say, the anger gets us nowhere and can be physically destructive to ourselves, so it is best to let that go!

If the person has enough assets, USE them to bring in help or place them in a facility or day program. If they don't have assets and can qualify for Medicaid, same deal. If the others complain, remind them they had the option to help out, but chose rather to say it was YOUR job, so you have DONE your job, end of discussion!
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You are fortunate your sisters are helping to the extent they are. So many families don't have that. Look at getting outside help to ease everyone's burden. Sister living with her needs to help more or get out. Does she take nights? At this level, they may all pull out of helping! Investigate AL facilities in your area for the future.
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Just to clarify a couple things, are you acting as POA on mom's behalf or has she been deemed incompetent and you are acting as DPOA so have all legal responsibility? Sounds like up until recently you and your sisters have been working together, supporting and consulting each other was there a recent decision that your sisters disagreed with? Or is it just that the time burden has reached everyone's limit and rather than saying that you are all starting to point the finger at one another and compare "who is doing more"? You aren't compensated for being mom's POA correct? So it might be worth having a sit down with all sisters together and reminding them of that, you are all on the same level when it comes to figuring out what to do and how to best care for her, you need their help and input, you just have the added burden of having to actually carry out whatever you all decide if it requires that. You aren't POA or DPOA "over mom" you are POA "for or with Mom", maybe they aren't understanding that. It sounds like it's time to look into help, maybe part time, maybe ordered by her doctor so Medicare helps, maybe there are state or town programs. Have you looked into the senior center or even adult day care (not a great term) in your area? She might benefit as much as all of you by getting out and socializing with peers or some areas have programs where they match child care centers and adult care centers so the seniors feel really useful and get a big dose of youthful joy too. These are all ideas you and your sisters can come up with and discuss together so they are once again feeling like integral parts of the decision making and not just "workers" in case that's whats happening. I am not saying if that's the case it's in any way your fault or because of you, I just know how engulfing this care giving can get for everyone and how easily you can get disconnected from each other while trying to keep your head above water in life so perceptions get skewed. Maybe even outside influences see what they see only from their perspective and voice opinions that have more sway because a sister sees their partner or children every day and it's easier to see mom responsibilities as interfering with home life than the other way around (as it should be) and the balance no longer working. You each have life considerations beyond mom and you as the "leader" are probably the best one to remind everyone of that for each other and get the "team" back together.
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It is a happy circumstance that there is more than one of you to care for Mom. Now to get that care-giving team together. Because fighting over who has the most say and the most power will get you exactly nowhere. First of all the Medical POA is so that, when Mom is unable to make her own decisions, you can make health care decisions in her best interests. The Financial POA is so that you can pay Mom's bills and keep meticulous records to prove where money was spent. The Financial POA makes decisions when the person can no longer do so in her best interests. So the POA doesn't figure in this bickering about who does what and when. You need to have a family meeting, come together on a schedule that says who does what. If it ends up with no shared care and one person responsible that person may resign duties completely until Mom is almost forced into a going into care position. Good luck. Work together. Working at odds with one another will not do anything or anyone any good.
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I also am the POA,/Trustee and primary care-giver for my mom. She has lived with me for nearly 5 years and is 85. Prior to assuming the duty, my two brothers and I sat down and discussed the fact that she needed to be taken care of as she was unable to do a lot of daily activities on her own. I was willing to take mom into my house so long as they kept their opinions to themselves. You have POA. Don't ask your sisters squat. If they are not willing to step up and do what care mom needs on the day you need off, (especially the one living with mom!!) then hire a temp to come in on those days and pay for it out of mom's money.
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kbuser Jul 2019
Great response! I totally agree, my siblings don't help (and, honestly, I would rather hire a nurse to take care of mom for respite because they can handle her better) and I don't ask their input on anything. It's much easier to get guidance from social workers and attorneys than family.
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