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The paranoia is getting so bad they think I’m taking & hiding things such as their TV remote control, ice cream scooper, set of keys, etc and they are starting to think I’m just here for inheritance. My mother is the one that’s misplacing the items but she won’t admit it. They are both severely delusional, they both hallucinate and they are super paranoid, with all of these they just continue to get worse.
I’ve put my own life aside and I’ve been here for 7 years. I drive them to Dr appts, make meals, clean, laundry, taking care of my own dog plus theirs, etc and now that they are getting so bad to the point where they absolutely cannot take care of themselves and need me or someone (dad refuses anyone he doesn’t know to come inside the home) they want me to move out. They need to sell their home because they have two sets of stairs with the longest, worst one being the one they have to use to get from their bedroom down to the front door, kitchen & dining area. My father has fallen down them twice. I just keep praying my mother doesn’t take a tumble, she’s come very close a few times now. It scares me because of her osteoporosis and her being so frail and off balance. I’ve been here for many accidents and the ones that are really bad my dad goes into shock instead of calling 911. My mother would not be here if it weren’t for me being here during two different falls and me knowing the need to call 911. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do, I’m so burnt out but yet I’m so afraid to leave them here alone. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

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Take your life back. They need more help than you can give and their home is no longer safe. I wish you well and hope your parents find a safe place. Then if you wish to visit them you can.
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rovana Mar 2019
Yes, it sounds like they really need memory care or at least some kind of assisted living. Things get to the place where "aging in place" is just not realistic. They may resist, but seriously how good is their judgment? You would not let a toddler drive your car would you? They get made? Well, a toddler in a tantrum does not therefore have improved judgment.
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I would call 911... they'll be evaluated at the hospital...and after 3 days be transferred to a nursing home. Sounds like they need help immediately....Contact an elder lawyer...and start power of attorney and Medicaid forms ASAP, if you haven't done so....they will get worse as time goes by. Take care of yourself...
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you 🙏🏻
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I'd call ADP and give them a heads up; tell them what you wrote us. If your folks get mad, so what? They want you out anyway, right? Tell ADP they are non compliant and refuse other help, want you (their only helper) out now, and are at risk.
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you. You have a point, they are already mad so why care if they get upset, I’m only looking out for their welfare and know they cannot be left alone. I will make a call tomorrow.
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Put your POA in place. I think if you haven't started the looking for a MC facility then that would be at the top of your list. You don't want to deal with the combativeness, if it gets to that. It may be easier to move them now.
Redirect -- If you get accused of taking things try telling them "oh I move it and I will get it in a minute. They want you to move out tell them "I'm packing up but haven't found a place yet".
Take the knobs off the stove. Make sure the water heater is set so the water doesn't get too hot when running the hot water. Knives should be put away in a locked cupboard along with tools. Get a security camera inside the house so when you are gone you can keep an eye on them (Ring is good cuz it records sound).
I know dogs are part of the family but they require work can they be relocated to a friends house temporarily until mom and dad are moved?
blessings
hgnhgn
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
Thank you! I do appreciate all of this advice. The nanny cam and Ring are really great ideas and what I need. If you read through you’ll see my next of plans. It’s all going to be ok. 🙏🏻
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Oh, I feel for yoj, it totally sux, my mom kicks me out probably 4x a week and is sooo hateful. Ya I'm beginning the process of putting her in a home, it will not be fun.
Definatley call adult protective services, I wish I'd have reached out to them before they reached out to us (due to my brother stealing money) but turns out they are SUPER helpful, but ya gotta ask them for help and they understand believe me I was actually shocked how much they were concerned about my health caring for my mom.
Icannot believe there's 2 stairways, ya APS should come and check out the hazards there at the house.
I gave up my.life too, I feel for you. I feel so isolated and an unproductive member of society. I miss my own place, car, job, social life. I guess just know you're not alone. You can msg me anytime if u want to vent
Good luck xxx
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gdaughter Mar 2019
LOL..only 4 times a week! Well, 3 days you're safe! Glad to hear something positive about APS. At this moment all is well at our home but due to stories I have heard I am anxious that my stress-reduction plan to get help may open us up to the judgements of outsiders who could report if they think something is off and that is making me wonder about leaving things as they are and not rocking the boat, so to speak.
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Do not leave. You are the parent there.

Call Elder Services, an elder attorney and their doctor.

Perhaps the doctor can write a letter saying "unfit" without seeing them.

They are losing it, it's not about you...tough love is required, stand strong, and KNOW you are doing what's best for them, even though they don't get it!

My parents ended up in hospital and then rehab which really helped me execute moving them out of their house.

May it all go smooth for you. Let us know how it goes...
God-speed!
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
I will let y’all know ASAP! Gosh, I wish I would of reached out to you all sooner but I’m just grateful for all the love & support and the advice I need and have needed for quite some time now.
God bless!
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I feel for you! I have been through the same with my 91 year old mother with dementia. She accused me of stealing, called her friends. Bank, and attorney friend to bad mouth me. I am her only caregiver. I live with her and take care of her 24/7. She tells me to leave her house every day, then she says I am the best cook and best daughter and thanks me for taking care of her. Her dr put her on an anti psych med to calm her down from the anger. The nurses and dr. Said that medication given morning and night will be my best friend. Since she has been taking it for a few months, she is totally aware of what is happening and she never accuses me of stealing. She still tells me to leave her house, when I insist she change her depends. Consult their dr about a med. Good luck.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
Old scripts huh? I almost laugh at this point since I know I'm the glue holding up this house of cards, so to speak. But it saddens me to realize this is at her core how she feels about it. And yet at other times she is appreciative. A real love-hate-love relationship. I've learned a lot from the alzheimer's assn support group specifically for sons and daughters.
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Today, as soon as you finish reading this, contact the office on aging, an elder attorney and agencies who help with the elderly. This is a situation beyond a true horror story. YOU CANNOT AND MUST NOT CONTINUE TO CARE FOR THEM . . . YOU CAN'T DO IT AND THEY WILL DESTROY YOU WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR. Do not have any sense of guilt or obligation - you have demonstrated enough of that in caring for them so far. Both of these people MUST IMMEDIATELY BE PLACED INTO A SAFE SECURE FACILITY where they will be cared for and you can start having your life back. Get a Power of Attorney and do whatever you must to take over their affairs - there are people who will help with this. YOU are the BOSS, not them - don't even for a moment let them get away with anything or you are doomed. If there are financial problems, there is help available. Whatever happens, you must get them out of your presence at once and placed. Don't be afraid - the time has come - do it now.
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barb, please let us know how you’re doing! There’s the adult protective services recommendation, and also the mode to use the next call to 911. You’ve done so much, you’re going to be okay, it sounds like it’s just time to escalate asap. It is SO very hard.
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Barbij81 Mar 2019
I’m ok, thank you so much for asking. I’ve answered a few people on here but this week and next will come some big changes.
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I commend you for taking care of your parents.

Maybe its a good idea to move them to the first floor?

DO NOT focus on what they did to you,. This will hold you back in life. Focus your attention on the issues at hand. In the end, when they are no longer here and you reflect on the time spent with them, there will be no regrets.

Just agree with everything they say and change the subject to something more pleasing...

I know it is not an easy task for you. It also was not an easy task for our parents taking care of us when we were children.

My father passed when I was Nine. Today, I wish I could have had more time with him. Your parents [regardless of how much of a burden some find them to be] are our earthly Gods and we MUST do everything we can for them. In the end, you will be blessed in abundance... Money cannot buy the best of health, joy, laughter, happiness and a heart which overflows with contentment.

All the best.

If we approach anything we do in life as a burden. A BURDEN it will become.

It will get better.
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rovana Mar 2019
Parents are not Earthly Gods - only God is God.  We do not have to do everything we can for them - we matter too and should never be expected to put up with abuse. This is not good for the victims, but it is not good for the abuser because I believe they will answer to God for the evil they have done. Better to honor your parents in a reasonable way, but to also honor other people. Nobody is ever anybody else's legitimate prey.
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