About Me Retired nurse married; mom lives close by but we will moving and mom will be coming with us. Maybe living close to us or with us. Traveling hard to do because I’m moms only source of entertainment/socializing. Mom has no hobbies. But likes to go out to eat with me. I’m an older adult returning to school online with two grown adult children, both with anxiety, one with problems with substance abuse. Husbands wants to travel more as do I but my time is scattered between trying to love everyone.
What is the difference between renting and owning a home, besides the expenses that go along with ownership? 4 walls and a roof is 4 walls and a roof! Your mother wants what she can't have, at YOUR expense, in old age, when she hasn't got the ability to properly take care of this house she wants to own.
Plus you're saying you're moving and maybe moving mom in with you. Which is it? She wants a home of her own or to live with you?
Let's put HER wishes aside for a moment. You can't please all of the people all of the time. Why not please yourself and your husband in YOUR retirement and travel instead of trying to take on the burden of mom wanting her own home? I'd like a home in Hawaii too, but that ain't happening, so why tell my children about it? They make a good living, but it's not intended to give ME a Hawaiian lifestyle. See where I'm going with this?
Straighten out your priorities and recognize the difference between "wants" and "needs". At 80+ years old, if moms needs are being met, she's in great shape. Focus on meeting yours and your husband's needs and wants now while you still can, before you cannot travel any longer due to old age or disease.
Making yourself moms only source of entertainment is a mistake second only to moving her INTO your home. Who told you that it was YOUR job to do either? You and mom are 2 separate people, not joined at the hip, so stop acting as if you are! Live your own life and allow her to live her own life.
Your last post was last July and then you questioned how can u leave Mom for 3 months. You never updated on how that went. You also said that you were moving and moving her with you. You also said that DH wants to travel but u don't feel you can leave your adult children because of anxiety and subtance abuse.
If Mom can't afford a house, she can't have one. If my DH goes before me, I will not be staying in my home. Too big and taxes too high. If Mom gets a house guess who will be responsible for mowing the lawn and the up keep. YOU. There will be taxes, utilities and water and sewage. Cost of upkeep. She has to stay within HER budget.
Maybe she would do well in an Assisted Living. She can take advantage of the outings and the activities. If she can do her daily activities, there is nothing wrong with her having a nice apartment. She nor you need the headache of her owning a home especially if Medicaid is ever needed.
Think of yourself and what u will need to deal with. My answer would be "No Mom because you would expect me to do everything connected with it". My DH hated when my decisions for Mom where based on how that decision effected me. I was it, and I get overwhelmed. (daughter says its anxiety) Same for my nephew, because he is on Medicaid they always want him to see specialists in a city nearby. He does not drive so I have to and I won't drive into a city. They find him a doctor closer.
Then its your husband. He wants to travel and he is your priority. Your adult children, time to take care of themselves. They need to learn how to deal with anxiety if they are going to survive. You can't do anything for them. They now learn on their own. The one who is addicted only they can straighten themselves out. They all need to be independent and dealing with their own problems. DH, again, is your priority. There are resourses they all can take advantage of. Point them in the right direction and then go on vacation with ur husband. No calls home.
The housing market is nuts where I live. Super expensive, YET there is housing that is cheaper. In rural areas, old, needing full reno & so far out of any town (& no hospitals).
Does Mom want a little home ANYWHERE? On her own? Without local shops or medical services? I'd guess not.
Owning a home, out in the sticks (as we say) in the dusty desert of the outback miles from family & friends VS renting close to people, parks & services. 🤔
I think I'd change the narrative.
Mom, you had that time of owning your own home. It's a different chapter of life now. What do you want & need now?
"Aging in place" in rural areas adds another layer of challenge for seniors and their families/caregivers since those counties usually have fewer resources and services, fewer, smaller hospitals, clinics and Urgent Cares, and neighbors who are not "nearby". It is now more difficult (and expensive) to find reliable, competent labor to help with tasks, etc.
People romanticize retiring to hobby farms... my bonus daughter's grandma just did this and we are slapping our foreheads. I advised BD (w/3 young kids) to not ever run over there to help her, as we had this discussion with her before she jumped into that hobby farm. It's not even near any family members. And she took on a mortgage in her late 60's with an old, sickly and alcoholic husband. People make their own steaming pile of problems and then wonder why no one is setting themselves on fire to "help" them. Jeesh.
So she drops hints...so what? It is not about what she wants, if is about what she can afford and needs.
I don't get this "Guilt" thing that many toss around today, it is the buzz word of the 21st century. It serves no purpose, to me, it is an excuse to do something one really doesn't want to do.
Let it go in one ear and out the other, she is 80's she doesn't need a home to maintain and obviously cannot afford.
WHY in the WORLD would you feel guilty for what you and your husband have, whether you got it through hard work or through luck? Did you CAUSE your mother not to have a home? I doubt it.
I am certain your mother is not inferring that you GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR HOMES, because such a thing would indicate that she isn't quite right, imho.
I mean I cannot imagine a world in which I would say to my daughter "Gee, you have two homes, why don't you give me one of them".
Just saying. I think you are WAY overthinking this whole thing.
As to renting, whether she likes it or not, with no funds to BUY a home, that is what she will be doing. Far as I am concerned, being a homeowner has a whole lot of work that goes along with it that no 80 year old really cares to address. Awfully nice to call the landlord and say "dishwasher isn't working"; "There's no hot water". "Roof's leaking". As you yourself know, having two homes, they take a dreadful amount of work and upkeep from cutting the grass to gardening to all the rest of it.
Just stop over thinking. Next time she says "I hate renting," remind her of the good parts. Or say "I'm so sorry".
Stop thinking that your mother's life is yours to fix. It isn't. Treat it much as you would a friend complaining. Just listen, be polite, move on.
No need to feel guilty! You probably have nice cars, nice clothes, eat out once in a while, etc. No need to feel guilty about those advantages either, is there? You and husband were smart and worked hard. Enjoy the fruits of your labors.
Ignore mom. To me, there's nothing much lower than a parent making their adult child feel guilty about their own success or expecting them to accept responsibility for their parent's lesser lifestyle. Mom should be proud of you and provide for herself with what she's got. You know, it might feel liberating for you to tell her that. I have an idea that you might be afraid to do that because she might shun you or be angry or something. Go ahead and do it anyway. You're an adult now. She's not in charge of you.
Totally agree. My husband and I are SO proud of our adult son who put in the effort to pivot his life in a positive direction years ago and has been quite successful. My husband and I both worked in the nonprofit health/human services sector for many years. (Nonprofits aren't known for their munificent salaries.) We saved as best we could, but who knew we'd live into our late 80s (me) and 90s (spouse) and that care would be so prohibitively expensive even with LTC insurance?
The last thing we would do is "guilt" our son for his success because we aren't as well off financially. He and his fiancée (both in their 60s) deserve to enjoy their "go-go" retirement years. We worked into our mid-to-late 70s and they won't have to. Good for them, say I!
If she rents it from you and can only afford whatever her SS allows, you may be losing out on an income stream, if this is every something you'd see as a use for that home.
Is it a vacation home? If so... you'll obviously have to work around her being in it. And she won't always be as functional as she currently is.
Is it 1-level living? Is it wheelchair accessible? Does it have a zero-clearance shower? Is it close to shopping (if she still drives)? If she doesn't, is it in a county that has a lot of good social services? If it is rural, that'd be a deal-breaker for me.
Don't feel guilty -- it's your home and it needs to stay flexible and liquid for your own uses. A senior IL would be better even if she doesn't think so, particularly for social engagement and conveniences. One where she can "graduate" from IL to AL to MC to hospice. And accepts Medicaid.
Your mother wants you to subsidize her. Don’t fall for it. She knows you are a people pleaser .
I would think renting at this age is better than owning since her funds are limited . Why? Because when somethlng breaks she calls the landlord to get it fixed and she doesn’t have to worry about the upkeep of owning a house .
Ignore her hints or tell her that being single and 80 it’s more convenient for her to rent . That she has a landlord or management team that takes care of things just like living in a castle .
Please don’t make your mother’s desires for a home a burden for you.
We all live different lives and have different circumstances. I don’t know why your mom wasn’t able to acquire a home.
Some people will never be able to afford a home even if they are careful about spending. Others waste their money.
My oldest brother blew through money like crazy even though he was a successful business owner. He made poor choices that caused him to never become stable in his life.
He would frequently say that he wanted things that I had. I let his comments go in one ear and out of the other.
Your mom is fortunate to have a roof over her head. Many people aren’t so lucky and are homeless.
Enjoy your life. There isn’t any need for you to feel badly about what you have.
A problem I foresee is that mom says she wants to live in one of your homes so she can “look after it while you’re not there because it’s not good to leave a house empty for long periods of time.”
If she comes up with that, please don’t fall for it. It’s a ploy and I’ve seen it before. It didn’t go well……
About Me
Retired nurse married; mom lives close by but we will moving and mom will be coming with us. Maybe living close to us or with us. Traveling hard to do because I’m moms only source of entertainment/socializing. Mom has no hobbies. But likes to go out to eat with me. I’m an older adult returning to school online with two grown adult children, both with anxiety, one with problems with substance abuse. Husbands wants to travel more as do I but my time is scattered between trying to love everyone.
What is the difference between renting and owning a home, besides the expenses that go along with ownership? 4 walls and a roof is 4 walls and a roof! Your mother wants what she can't have, at YOUR expense, in old age, when she hasn't got the ability to properly take care of this house she wants to own.
Plus you're saying you're moving and maybe moving mom in with you. Which is it? She wants a home of her own or to live with you?
Let's put HER wishes aside for a moment. You can't please all of the people all of the time. Why not please yourself and your husband in YOUR retirement and travel instead of trying to take on the burden of mom wanting her own home? I'd like a home in Hawaii too, but that ain't happening, so why tell my children about it? They make a good living, but it's not intended to give ME a Hawaiian lifestyle. See where I'm going with this?
Straighten out your priorities and recognize the difference between "wants" and "needs". At 80+ years old, if moms needs are being met, she's in great shape. Focus on meeting yours and your husband's needs and wants now while you still can, before you cannot travel any longer due to old age or disease.
Making yourself moms only source of entertainment is a mistake second only to moving her INTO your home. Who told you that it was YOUR job to do either? You and mom are 2 separate people, not joined at the hip, so stop acting as if you are! Live your own life and allow her to live her own life.
If Mom can't afford a house, she can't have one. If my DH goes before me, I will not be staying in my home. Too big and taxes too high. If Mom gets a house guess who will be responsible for mowing the lawn and the up keep. YOU. There will be taxes, utilities and water and sewage. Cost of upkeep. She has to stay within HER budget.
Maybe she would do well in an Assisted Living. She can take advantage of the outings and the activities. If she can do her daily activities, there is nothing wrong with her having a nice apartment. She nor you need the headache of her owning a home especially if Medicaid is ever needed.
Think of yourself and what u will need to deal with. My answer would be "No Mom because you would expect me to do everything connected with it". My DH hated when my decisions for Mom where based on how that decision effected me. I was it, and I get overwhelmed. (daughter says its anxiety) Same for my nephew, because he is on Medicaid they always want him to see specialists in a city nearby. He does not drive so I have to and I won't drive into a city. They find him a doctor closer.
Then its your husband. He wants to travel and he is your priority. Your adult children, time to take care of themselves. They need to learn how to deal with anxiety if they are going to survive. You can't do anything for them. They now learn on their own. The one who is addicted only they can straighten themselves out. They all need to be independent and dealing with their own problems. DH, again, is your priority. There are resourses they all can take advantage of. Point them in the right direction and then go on vacation with ur husband. No calls home.
A house of her own..? Or security?
The housing market is nuts where I live. Super expensive, YET there is housing that is cheaper. In rural areas, old, needing full reno & so far out of any town (& no hospitals).
Does Mom want a little home ANYWHERE? On her own? Without local shops or medical services?
I'd guess not.
Owning a home, out in the sticks (as we say) in the dusty desert of the outback miles from family & friends VS renting close to people, parks & services. 🤔
I think I'd change the narrative.
Mom, you had that time of owning your own home. It's a different chapter of life now. What do you want & need now?
People romanticize retiring to hobby farms... my bonus daughter's grandma just did this and we are slapping our foreheads. I advised BD (w/3 young kids) to not ever run over there to help her, as we had this discussion with her before she jumped into that hobby farm. It's not even near any family members. And she took on a mortgage in her late 60's with an old, sickly and alcoholic husband. People make their own steaming pile of problems and then wonder why no one is setting themselves on fire to "help" them. Jeesh.
I don't get this "Guilt" thing that many toss around today, it is the buzz word of the 21st century. It serves no purpose, to me, it is an excuse to do something one really doesn't want to do.
Let it go in one ear and out the other, she is 80's she doesn't need a home to maintain and obviously cannot afford.
Did you CAUSE your mother not to have a home?
I doubt it.
I am certain your mother is not inferring that you GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR HOMES, because such a thing would indicate that she isn't quite right, imho.
I mean I cannot imagine a world in which I would say to my daughter "Gee, you have two homes, why don't you give me one of them".
Just saying. I think you are WAY overthinking this whole thing.
As to renting, whether she likes it or not, with no funds to BUY a home, that is what she will be doing.
Far as I am concerned, being a homeowner has a whole lot of work that goes along with it that no 80 year old really cares to address. Awfully nice to call the landlord and say "dishwasher isn't working"; "There's no hot water". "Roof's leaking". As you yourself know, having two homes, they take a dreadful amount of work and upkeep from cutting the grass to gardening to all the rest of it.
Just stop over thinking. Next time she says "I hate renting," remind her of the good parts. Or say "I'm so sorry".
Stop thinking that your mother's life is yours to fix. It isn't. Treat it much as you would a friend complaining. Just listen, be polite, move on.
Ignore mom. To me, there's nothing much lower than a parent making their adult child feel guilty about their own success or expecting them to accept responsibility for their parent's lesser lifestyle. Mom should be proud of you and provide for herself with what she's got. You know, it might feel liberating for you to tell her that. I have an idea that you might be afraid to do that because she might shun you or be angry or something. Go ahead and do it anyway. You're an adult now. She's not in charge of you.
Best of luck!
The last thing we would do is "guilt" our son for his success because we aren't as well off financially. He and his fiancée (both in their 60s) deserve to enjoy their "go-go" retirement years. We worked into our mid-to-late 70s and they won't have to. Good for them, say I!
Is it a vacation home? If so... you'll obviously have to work around her being in it. And she won't always be as functional as she currently is.
Is it 1-level living? Is it wheelchair accessible? Does it have a zero-clearance shower? Is it close to shopping (if she still drives)? If she doesn't, is it in a county that has a lot of good social services? If it is rural, that'd be a deal-breaker for me.
Don't feel guilty -- it's your home and it needs to stay flexible and liquid for your own uses. A senior IL would be better even if she doesn't think so, particularly for social engagement and conveniences. One where she can "graduate" from IL to AL to MC to hospice. And accepts Medicaid.
Don’t fall for it. She knows you are a people pleaser .
I would think renting at this age is better than owning since her funds are limited . Why? Because when somethlng breaks she calls the landlord to get it fixed and she doesn’t have to worry about the upkeep of owning a house .
Ignore her hints or tell her that being single and 80 it’s more convenient for her to rent . That she has a landlord or management team that takes care of things just like living in a castle .
We all live different lives and have different circumstances. I don’t know why your mom wasn’t able to acquire a home.
Some people will never be able to afford a home even if they are careful about spending. Others waste their money.
My oldest brother blew through money like crazy even though he was a successful business owner. He made poor choices that caused him to never become stable in his life.
He would frequently say that he wanted things that I had. I let his comments go in one ear and out of the other.
Your mom is fortunate to have a roof over her head. Many people aren’t so lucky and are homeless.
Enjoy your life. There isn’t any need for you to feel badly about what you have.
If she comes up with that, please don’t fall for it. It’s a ploy and I’ve seen it before. It didn’t go well……
See All Answers