My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
I am so happy that you are reunited with your husband! 😊
Changing the subject worked very well, as did walking away didn't it?
You must be feeling good about you and that is so important!
Hi-5 🤚
You CAN turn a conversation. You can hold your tongue. You can speak your mind.
You can click your heels & go home too. You didn't need a wizard afterall, you had the power this whole time, just didn't know it 👠👠
AND LEAVING in the AM.
You say mom is "not being nice"?
Are you STILL expecting her behavior to change?
It won't. Your mom is only interested in getting HER needs met. She doesn't care about what YOU need, despite what she might tell you.
Please keep putting your physical, emotional and financial needs first.
AND if mom or dad has an "emergency" tonight, please call 911 and continue with your plans to leave.
”So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye! I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I FLY!”
Yes max. You are becoming immune to her tantrums. Good.
BIL and SIL moved in with my FIL several years ago because they fell on hard times. It was supposed to be very temporary. He is nearly 90, He was in his early/mid 80s at the time. He was fairly independent - could do the vast majority of his ADLs no problem. SIL felt obligated to jump when he said how high because he gave them a roof over their heads (FIL is a raging narcissist and was horribly abusive in every way you can be to both SIL and my DH when they were growing up). Even still, they both love him and want his approval because - well he is a narcissist and he conditioned them to - but also because he is their dad and regardless of the fact that he's a terrible dad, he's the one they've got and they keep hoping that by some miracle, he will change some day. Sigh.
They moved in and almost immediately he started to go downhill. Stopped doing things for himself. I begged SIL to set boundaries. Stop bending over backwards to meet his every need. Anytime she did something once for him, it became her job. He literally told a doctor "Why should I do it myself when they can do it for me?" Within less than 18 months he had gone from 99% independent to 99% dependent. Mostly because she literally could not tell her father no. He had conditioned her to never say no. That it was disrespectful.
He is a 300lb man. He is now almost completely immobile. He can get between the bathroom and his bed but if we gave him a bedside toilet he would be thrilled. SIL drew the line because she would be in the floor passed out. But literally everything he needs she does. Cooks, cleans, medications, laundry. He now has a bath aide that comes 3X a week. She has now dedicated her life to taking care of him. That temporary situation? Yeah...she backed herself into a corner. We have been begging them to make an exit plan and go and we will help them find a place for him to live. He's in rehab right now. He's coming back home. We are glad he was able to recover from what put him there, but if DH and I had been given our way, he wouldn't have gone home, he would have gone to a Skilled Nursing Facility so they could be free.
I love my SIL but she is co-dependent. She is a product of the way she was raised. DH was raised to be the provider. She was raised to be the homemaker and the caregiver. Now inherently there is nothing wrong with the traditional roles. However, you have to factor in the narcissism. It was layered with a chauvinistic quality that FIL believes SIL is his indentured servant. She cannot walk away from him. She is indebted to him. And he has gotten inside of her head. She feels that way too. But she is also still trying to get his approval.
With all due respect to you. I feel like there may be a little bit of that dynamic between you and your mom. You love her, I know you do. But in some ways you are trying so hard to make her happy, to get her approval. Maybe I'm wrong. But sometimes we have to find that approval in ourselves. My FIL never gave his approval. Not once to DH or SIL. And that is why they still to this day are begging for it. And trying so hard to find even a glimmer of it. It is never going to be there because he just isn't capable of it. You talk about how your parents have spent years bailing your brother out and paying his way. And yet here you and your DH are paying THEIR mortgage and running yourselves ragged for them. Where does it end?
I get the sense that your mother is never going to be content until you are surgically attached to her side providing for all of her needs. When is it your turn?
Your post have made me think of the Wizard of Oz as you have been trying to get home and so many have helped but ultimately it was all up to you. So put on some ruby red shoes. There is truly no place like home.
You will be on your way with your husband soon, your mum will continue to have fits. I am not sure that she can do differently at this point. I was told after mother's diagnosis that at her age there was no point in treatment. So you just have to learn to deal with it so you are not harmed any more. That is the most important thing for you -to keep your self safe and away from stress as much as possible and doing things with your time and energy that are good for you and your hub. And it is possible to do that far more than you have been doing. Believe me, your mum will survive just fine without you being there so much.
Know my prayers are with you are you grow stronger and let go of the false guilt. I had friends who urged me in the right direction too and am so thankful for them and people on this forum who helped me and encouraged me through the very difficult last years of mother's life.
Again I am sorry for what you went through with your brother and look forward to your sharing it. It is healing to share our tough times. I am still learning about the effects my sister had on me and wondering why it took so long for me to realize what a destructive force she was in my life.
((((((hugs)))) and love to you, Max. 💗
You are in my prayers to make good healthy decisions for you, which put you and your needs first.
Could you ever say to your mother - I need to go home and stay in my home for the foreseeable future. I need time with my husband - just the two of us. I need to see my doctor. I need to take care of myself...
Can you put your needs first?
Oh yes, I can attest to this as well. I have horrible childhood memories of the crazy things that my oldest brother did.
Actually, it continued into my adulthood until I cut him out of my life.
I did take my mom to see him in the hospice facility before he died.
Unfortunately, he was a lost and troubled soul. I was relieved when he died because he was finally at peace.
Max, I hope you are either in a hotel room or getting ready to leave your parents ' home (that you pay for) post dinner awaiting your husband's arrival.
AND that tomorrow you drive home.
If that's not happening yet, you have some 'splaining to do and we will help you fix it.
BUT as I said, she was able to "hear" what we were saying about
1. Boundaries
2. Saying "no".
3. Not caring so much about what her MIL, SIL and husband though about her behavior changes.
If you read her last post, her husband and SIL STILL talk about terribly sad it is that their mom ended up in "that place" (a good NH) because "no one" i.e. Dorker, was willing to sacrifice their sanity to make sure that entitled but impoverished MIL had EVERYTHING (including special dog treats, a particular dog groomer, homemade jello and saltless saltines) her heart desired.
Sonetime, ya gotta stand up to the insanity and say "basta".
Wishing you well.
Are there any in person caregiver support groups near you? I enjoyed going to one that was led by a licensed social worker.
An ‘in person’ support group has a completely different vibe than an online forum.
The social worker was a caregiver to her own mother. She had been through quite a bit with her mom before she decided that placement was the best option for her mom.
Everyone had a chance to speak about their experiences. No one spoke out of turn. All were respectful and some of us even went out for coffee after the meeting.
Check to see if there are any ‘in person’ support groups nearby. I think you would appreciate the difference between an online forum and a face to face group.
Well max, you said you're from Brooklyn NY, meaning you are tough, street smart and take no BS from anyone.
Time to show it or else TALK IS CHEAP.
Believe me, I had an extremely long caregiver experience. I understand and know how hard it is. I also became ‘stuck’ for lack of a better word.
I am grateful to many who were patient with me.
You’ll get through this.
There is one forum member who's been here for years. He's been complaining (for 8 to 10 years now probably) about his dad walking all over him and his wife and treating them like doormats, and how the stress is killing them both. He's been given advice again and again for many many years. Each time he comes back to complain, it's the same old things. He hasn't taken one advice or made one change to improve anything.
I told him I didn't believe he could make any changes, not even one. And I challenge him to prove me wrong. He hasn't.
Making changes is too hard, harder than enduring the abuse.
When we come here sharing our troubles and needing change in our lives we are exposed to new ways, new ideas, new thoughts. We need to learn about them. That happens best in an atmosphere of trust. IMO it's up to us as the longer time members of this forum to develop that and not to devalue any other member.
Max. I think you are learning some things that are useful to you. You are still here interacting and I believe that at least some of what you read is striking some chords inside you that you are and will benefit from.
I must say that I am very proud of Max for standing up for herself and I too feel that she has as much value as everyone else, regardless of how she is responding to her circumstances.
There are respectful ways to communicate and disrespectful ways. I hope others will take your words seriously and realize the way they say things matter.
polarbear
2 hours ago
Regular posters, don't you feel like you're banging your heads against a brick wall trying to get through to max?
max, I have no suggestions that haven't already been said 200 times, different ways. I just hope you have the courage to some of them.
D
Daughterof1930
1 hour ago
Exactly, Polar Bear! I’ve decided to think of Max now sitting on a comfy chair with a view of the ocean, far from the tyrannical mother she’s finally broken free of, but still yanking the chains of everyone here just for funsies. It would beat the probably reality
You’re not the only one that has been criticized for having a long thread.
Honestly, who cares how long the thread is? Why should it annoy people if it’s long?
It doesn’t matter if your thread is a paragraph or a novel.
Anyone who doesn’t want to read it can and should skip it. Those who wish to support you will remain.
This is a support group for caregivers. You are a caregiver and deserve to speak about your concerns.
I hope that when you finally get to Europe, all of this will only be a distant memory.
The assignment was to go to the movies.
I was very enmeshed and helpless. He gave me the name of the movie.
He told me which subway to get on.
He told me what time the movie was playing.
I think you should go out tonight. To a movie, to a mall, just OUT.
Don't ask permission. Just get out of your parents' house for a minimum of 2 hours, Like a grownup would.
Take a cab or car service if you have to, but GO OUT.
That is your first assignment.
max, I have no suggestions that haven't already been said 200 times, different ways. I just hope you have the courage to some of them.
LET MOM SCREAM! She is a tyrant. You start pkging tonight. When your husband gets there he stays in the car. You tell ur parents time to go. Hug and kiss them. If Mom starts, say can't deal with this now DH is waiting and WALK OUT. Get a nice hotel up the road and have a nice dinner. ITS TIME TO GROW UP. You know this or you wouldn't have come on this forum and put up with us. Because...you know we r right. No one person should have this kind of control over another. You raise ur kids and let them fly the nest.
You know Moms going to scream whether u leave tomorrow or Saturday. Whats one day matter.
I know that you don’t have children. I was adamant about raising my daughters to be independent. That is our job as a parent.
I don’t ever want my daughters to be my caregivers. It upset me terribly when I heard them say that they would care for me like I did for my mom.
I put a stop to that immediately and told them that I would never expect them to do anything other than being my daughters.
If you were a parent and you had a daughter, would you allow her to do everything that you have done for your mom and dad?
I seriously doubt that you would expect your child to do all of this, so why do you feel that your mom has the right to expect this from you?
Did you look into doing online therapy?