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Absolutely not...you are 200% not crazy. Our parents for some reason my dad even said it that children are their insurance policy. Really??? Well he should have invested his money in my sister and I and not our half sister who got to go to college and he paid for it ALL. My sister never finished and my dad NEVER paid a dime for her or myself. I on the other hand took out student loans to the tune of more than my current mortgage and now he is wanting me to care for him for free when I need to make money to pay off my our debt. If she feels you are taking stuff then do not go to her home...it is that simple and DO NOT FEEL any GUILT...and also DO NOT change your work schedule to suit anyone but yourself period!!! Folks who have not walked in our shoes will sit on the sideline and make their comments. To hell with them, he who feels it knows it. Boy do I know it. If you still feel inclined to visit mom, then never go alone...I have learned to err on the legal side of things. We live in a crazy world and a crazy country where the right get wronged and guilty get away with literally murder!!
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2019
You are sooo right! I hope he takes the advice of so many and just says no! And stays away.....i also agree she shoukd be in memory care....she must be a billionaire to pay what she's oaying every year!!!
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I just read the original post...mom paying $28k a month for home care. What the hell??? What kind of home care is that? That is $336k a year! No way! She needs to be in a home where she will be taken care of and she can accuse the caregivers there of stealing what little she will have in her room!!! Spending $28k a month for home care is a waste of money!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
I agree!
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Hi Stoneman,
Quick and easy advice. Tell the Guardian you'll take a one night shift for every 6 he works. After all, the Guardian gets paid, you will not. I'll bet that puts a stop to that discussion with the Guardian. I am writing from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ, three yrs ago. I have instructed my DW and adult children, once it is time to institutionalize me, send me off 100mi from where we live, so it will be inconvenient for them to visit, easy to get on with meeting responsibilities to their own families, and allow my DW to get on with her life. Good luck, wishing you well. Your responsibility is to your spouse and children.
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SueC1957 Mar 2019
God bless you for being so concerned with your family.
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You've just typed the Most logical thing I've heard in some time.
Just remember her brain is breaking. Literally. If a small child accused you of such things You'd understand they don't understand because their brain has not developed to the point of fully comprehending what they have accused you of. Its simply the reverse for Mom. Moms logic and reasoning part of her brain are broke.
Kinda grasp the "Ok, whatever" attitude when dealing with these situations and it hopefully will make it a bit easier.
Your sanity is safe. You didn't sign up for all of this. It was somewhat dropped on you and you do your best.
Hugs for you and your family.
Oh and what's this with so much for in home care? That's what's crazy! Check into Getting her into a memory care home! Best thing we ever did for Dad. She might not like it but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
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Nuttybuddy1 Mar 2019
I wish it was as simple as you make it sound. I have mother 24/7 with only the help of my husband. I have been in therapy for a year and am on depression medication. I have just about reached my wits end. I am 70 my mother is 89. I have reached the conclusion that I am too old to do this but this is my job.
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You are not going crazy. When my mom was in a nursing home for a short time, she was the same way with me. A social worker came up to me and said your mother is driving you crazy Stay away from her for awhile. You have your own life to live Do not destroy your well being for this. It is not worth it and do not feel guilty. I wrote my mother a long letter and let her know I have a family to take care of and if she continues to treat me the way she is I will not be coming around
anymore. She straightened up. I loved my mom, she is deceased now. but I was going to allow her to physically and mentally destroy me. You need to do the same
I am sorry for what you are going thru but stop. She has no right to ruin your well being.
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Dear One,
I can completely relate to your current problem with your mother falsely accusing you of taking things and doing things that you are totally guiltless of doing. My mother did the same thing to me. (She accused me of taking $50K, signing papers to put her in a nursing home, taking important papers and letters, sending letters to her attorney, her banker and her investment advisor telling them not to talk to her anymore! And, much much more apparently.). The trouble for you is that if she begins telling other people “lies” (my mother’s Parish priest said that they really aren’t lies and that he had seen it a lot with older people) then the others such as siblings, etc. might call attorneys and “crucify” you for things you would never think of doing much less do. (This happened to myself and another sister -beginning three years ago - who were the primary caregivers and Co Trustees for our parents when our three younger siblings took some very vicious and evil action against us through attorneys. I can assure you that it has been pure hell and many good relationships have been lost due to their slander of us.). I seriously caution you to consider anything that you do for your mother anymore - although it makes you feel guilty - because where one is willing to cause you hurt or injury, he/she definitely will seize the opportunity an take advantage of your mother’s poor mental health. CLEARLY, your mother is sadly suffering from the onset of either dementia or Alzheimer’s. Sometimes they seem to be lucid yet other times they are totally in another world and do hallucinate, are delusional and have high anxiety. If you have not already had your mother seen by her personal physician for an analysis and for assessment by a geriatric doctor then do so. (My mother decided in her own unclear mind to get rid of all her doctors although her longtime MDVP did declare that she was “unable to handle her personal and business affairs” after a few examinations.). I wish you the best and will say some prayers for you, but if your gut tells you to take caution then listen! (I didn’t listen and kept going and helping my mother everyday because I never dreamed that my siblings would “murder” my character as they have done. I have been sued by my two younger sisters and sued by my brother as well. It’s been devastating.)
Again, best to you! Blessings!
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StoneMan,
I’m assuming that your mom has some form of dementia. Accusations are common because they don’t have the ability to process information as before and their perception is distorted. There would be no way she could get you in trouble “in the long run” but you might have to “prove” to Adult Protective Services (like I had to) that you are NOT harming her.


(If she doesn’t have dementia-stay away! She’s just being mean. You may have to have legal representation to prove your innocence.)

Personally, I wouldn’t relieve the caregiver. Things aren’t going well and it’s best to protect yourself. Maybe hire another caregiver. Doesn’t sound like she’d go for a facility at this point.

This was the hardest time for me in mom’s dementia. Things will change as her disease progresses but, for now, I know how hard it is. Don’t take what she says personally. Even though she seems mostly normal, there are profound changes in her brain. She can’t help her behavior. It’s not directed at you.

(((Big hugs))) and do what you need to do to keep healthy.
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No you're not you don't have to do Notting as far as to do night shift at your mom don't do it trust me
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Have your Mother keep paying for 24 hour care, it seems to be working and you won't have to do night shift.
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Yes stay away believe me I've been there no more live your live
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I agree with everyone else, do not do this. Stay away!!! I don't think I would even still go for guardianship. Sounds like your sibling would be a mess to deal with all the time. Let the state or someone else worry about the mess. You don't want to have to defend yourself in a lawsuit. I know this is hard, but you need to save yourself and your family first.
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Of course, you are not crazy. My suggestion is you continue to budget the amount of time you spend at her house. It is unfair for the guardian to ask you to become part of the "staff/paid help". When we do that for our mothers, if they can afford to hire care, we cease to be the son or daughter. It's important, in my opinion, we remain in our life long roles, as long as possible. It's a relationship which guards more than the guardian can. No one loves our parent as much as we children do.
It's not crazy to not want to put yourself in a place where your efforts are unsettling, or stress producing. But maybe there is a solution here, which would eliminate you having to be there when she is. Can she go for an hour or more, to a senior center, where services are offered by the hour? Does she have medical appointments to which you don't take her? Maybe you can be there when she is out.
Remember, the guardian is working for your mother and for you. You are in charge, I hope. If the guardian is in charge of her finances, maybe the concern is the limit in hiring some of the repairs done. See if you and the guardian can come to better communication.
Best wishes. It's not fun to try to care for a parent who is unaware of the effort we make to give them a quality of life they wouldn't have without us.
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You're not going crazy, but will, if you allow yourself to be manipulated by so many people. At 87, if Mom cannot run a house and take care of things there as well as herself, she needs to have payed people that can do that for her. It is not your responsibility to run two homes or stock two pantries. Sounds as if Mom belongs in a Memory Care Unit of an Independent living facility or Nursing Home. I'm sorry if I sound uncaring or crass, but I have been through the process of progressing dementia and it is no fun.
Hopefully, Mom has the resources to be able to consider Memory Care or whatever, but, even if she doesn't, and your sister concurs, then let your sister handle the matter. Hiring a lawyer in this instance, given your Mom's mental condition, in my mind, would be a wash.
Hang in there and be sure to consult a lawyer familiar with these kinds of situations.
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No, of course you're not crazy! Let mom pay for the 24 hour care.
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Noooo do not do it. Phone calls sure, visits with lots of people around you, sure. But with false accusations that could be life changing...that is a walk away situation. Love knows no distance. But if the GUARDIAN is asking you this, tuff noogies, she made her bed, now she gets to sleep in it.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2019
You are 100% correct!!!
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What you really need is for someone to tell you what a good job you’re doing, and what a good daughter you’re trying to be. You can’t take your mom’s behavior personally. That’s really hard to do but if she’s confused she might also feel afraid. It makes it impossible for her to trust anyone. It’s not within your power to fix this. I don’t see a simple answer here; if your sister was more of an ally that a competitor you’d be able to draw strength from each other. Don’t know if that’s possible but take care of yourself. Lean on friends. Hug yourself.
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Not crazy at all. Sometime we need to step away for our own sanity. Talk to your sister and the guardian about the issues with your mom and your feelings. They might be able to calm her down. If not maybe a Mr. Fix it will have to be included in the budget...
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NO. ABSOLUTELY not!
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I agree with @cherrysoda.....if you have dealt with all these shenanigans for 18 months, i say walk away and dont look back....the guardian, if aware of accusations and such, IMO should not be asking you to fix any dang thing!! Or definitely not take a “ night shift” to save mom a few dollars....let guardian and your sister handle it all. And i know you love your mother but at this point, you should protect you and your wife from any further damage....none of this is easy and my heartfelt prayers go out to all who are caregivers!!!! Love and blessings!!
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It sounds like you have put in enough time and that hasn't worked out. If there is a possible suit and a negative eye already looking at you I would let sister worry about the problems. You have already put in time and asking for you to do repairs is getting you entangled and will put you in a position to have to defend yourself again. I am going through a suit now, much for the very same reasons. I put in the work and the care and now everyone wants to stand in judgement. They could have done better, would have done better.... yeah, right. Never saw them lift a hand with Mom, much less ever visit or contribute a thing. If I had a re-do I would have hired someone in so that they could have taken care of it all rather than me. That would have freed up all of my time to spend with my Mom enjoying the day rather than working until I could no longer see straight. Then there would have been no accusations and all the money would have been spent for her care. No estate left. Nothing for the other siblings to fight over.
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Nope, not crazy at all my friend. I'm guessing your mom has dementia so that's probably why sister is taking advantage of her and telling her you might be stealing from her. I say record a conversation with your sister, mother and guardian so that you have proof of not stealing anything. If she has the money, then Mr. Fix it it is or let sister fix it. Go over for a short (i said short) visit and when she starts in accusing tell her you love her but you're not going to be talked to like that and leave. You do that several times, she will quit because it's not going anywhere. If she does have dementia then it's going to keep happening. Try to redirect her with another subject (NOT fixing anything, weather, how pretty she looks, etc) if that doesn't work, leave so you don't go crazy. Whatever happens.....DON'T ARGUE. You won't win. Nope, you're not gunna. :)) Been there and done it until I learned. Good luck and God Bless.....
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You’re not crazy at all. Avoiding the situation with your mother’s dementia and your sister is a wise decision. You’ve done your time. Pargirls
’s answer is good.
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It sounds like your mother has dementia and can't or won't look at things realistically. And if you are working and have a suitable schedule for you, do NOT make the mistake of changing it because things will start to escalate worse down the pike. You took care of her for 18 months - and with her behavior, I don't know how you even stood that for 18 days. When people become nasty and abusive, it is time to walk away - to protect yourself. I am not sure who this guardian is and what needs to be fixed but I sure would not put myself between the guardian who wants you to fix things and your mother saying to leave things alone. Don't get involved. Let them work it out. And if your mother upsets you, accuses you of things, and threatens to sue you - my god, why would you want even the slightest connection with her? Go and live your life and take care of yourself - you deserve it.
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If she has dementia, it doesn't matter who takes care of her, she will accuse them of stealing. My Grandmother accused me of stealing and I would find the items and bring them to her, then she would hide things and accuse me. I know that it was a disease that made her think that I was stealing from her. I would just give her a big hug and say I love you Grandma. She would forget and move on to something else. I took a camera and videoed everything in her house just to cover my rear, I love my Grandma I would stand beside her no matter what. I took care of her foe 8 years and I would do it again knowing how hard it was. The love she showed me before her poor brain went south was amazing! I could NEVER pay her back. I just pray that it was enough and when it is my turn to leave this planet I will know I did my part,
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