He is 63 years old and I am 69 yrs old. This was suppose to be a temporary situation and that I would eventually find a room to rent or assisted living for him so I could go into retirement. But he fought me and I fell into the trap of feeling so guilty. He is narcissistic. He thinks only of himself. He's blown all of his money and doesn't try to take care of himself, I have to do it all. He doesn't take a sensible direction and so has gotten worse. He now has kidney failure and has to go to dialysis 3 times a week for the rest of his life, has had foot surgery recently and has been in a wheelchair for nearly a year, increasing my workload. Has had cataract surgery in both eyes but still eye problems, rarely brushes his teeth so has many dental problems, doesn't bathe, I have to have someone come bathe him. He is a pig, throws everything on the floor, doesn't clean up at all. He's been in 4 auto accidents and his insurance is so high I have not renewed it. A couple of weeks ago he went to the market and hit a tree. Even after I told him numerous times to not drive because of no insurance, bad eyes and not mentally competent. I have therefore taken away his keys. There is so much I have to do for him, I don't have a life any more. He has eye, dental, mental, intestinal, you name it issues. He is mean and moody and makes me so angry. I want him out, what can I do? I don't want to be mean about it, but is there a decent process for this? Can he become a ward of the state? Would they pay for his expenses and rent? I want my life back. I am his power of attorney and medical directive. I feel so controlled by this situation and trapped. No family members want to step in and help. If you have any information, please let me know. Jan
The next time he is in the hospital refuse to allow him to come back to your home. Tell the SW that she needs to find another option because you will not or cannot care for him anymore. Tell her the State can take over his care because you are revoking ur POAs. The best way to do this is pray he goes to rehab and ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If found he needs 24/7 care, tell them you will not be the one providing it and he needs to go to Longterm care. Again, allow the State to become his guardian. That way they do all the work. Here Rehabs and Nursing facilities are in the same building so easy transfer from one to the other.
Or, once in the hospital, don't be available. Don't visit or initiate any calls. Don't take any from him. If SW calls, tell her/him that your brother cannot return to your house because you will no longer care for him. Him living with you was to be temporary not life long. Three years is enough. Ask them to not call you again. He needs to figure out his next move. Then block everyones numbers. There is no law saying you must care for him. Pack up his things. Drop off anything you think he may need now. If you can pack everything he has in a couple of suitcases do it and drop off at the hospital or rehab he is at.
I think APS would be a good place to start. They will at least see what you are talking about. Tell them that it was suppose to be a temporary thing but you can no longer afford to have him there. He has no respect for himself or your home. You cannot live any longer with the smell. He is a health hazard. The hygiene and the sloppiness is why I won't take in my nephew.
Respectfully, this is probably why no one has responded to your question. You want a solution without making a change in the way you approach things -- even though it has been proven over and over that your way doesn't / hasn't / won't ever work.
1) contact social services for your county and have this discussion. If you are currently his PoA, I would resign and allow the county to assume guardianship for him.
2) based on the outcome of the conversation with a social worker and your willingness to create healthy boundaries for your life, come back to this forum with your next set of questions.
We can't give you much more guidance since future decisions/actions will depend on whether your brother has a medical diagnosis of dementia and if APS can get involved and if so, how soon.
In the interim, whether or not he has dementia, you can call the county social services and ask them to come in and assess him for in-home services (and hopefully county rides to and from dialysis -- but this will only happen if he has all his right mind, otherwise you'd need to accompany him). Depending on your state and county they may provide light housekeeping, hygiene, etc.
It doesn't matter if your brother agrees to this or cooperates -- YOU need it and just put your fingers in your ears or walk out of the room or change the subject if he objects. I wish you much wisdom, clarity, peace and boundaries.