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I gave mom some tiramisu today and maybe that's what caused it..I don't know. That was the only thing she ate different than other days, She had a blowout in the bathroom and for some reason, she was holding it in her hands. The door was partially open & I sensed something was wrong by the way mom was standing weirdly. The sight of her holding it up and saying"Ive to get rid of this" freaked me out and I started yelling,"omg, omg she's holding it". My awesome husband rushed over and told her to flush it and wash her hands while I was mentally puking. But I managed to clean her bedroom floor without gagging.


I know" poop parade" is to be expected as the dementia progresses and at least mom knew poop has to be in the toilet. I wanted to talk about this"incident" but my husband yelled me to shut up and leave him alone.


This was an isolated incident and mom has normal BMs.


How do I block out the horror of poop incidents and deal with such situations calmly? How do I cope with the disgust? There's no money to put her in MC/NH or hire 24/7 aides (I've vented about this in earlier posts)

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You get used to the poop.

My dad fell one day when no one was home. His caregiver found him naked on the bathroom floor smeared in poop. There was poop was on the floor, on the walls, down the hall to the bedroom. It was like those Roomba pet poop disasters except it was his poop and he was the Roomba.

We think he fell in the bedroom while trying to change clothes. He couldn't get off the floor when he fell. While waiting for someone to find him he must have pooped. He then crawled to the bathroom pooping and spreading poop all the way there. His caregiver found him and called 911. When I got to the condo his caregiver and I cleaned the poop trail together.

Just be calm then laugh it off later.
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It happens, I've been on a public transit bus where the person would wait until they were getting up to get off, then go. No diarrhea, fortunately, but smelly nonetheless LOL
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joniallison Jan 2022
This was probably a case of fecal incontinence that you witnessed. There is no control over bowel movements and it normally happens when the person stands up.
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Your awesome husband told your mom to flush it down, yet yelled at you to shut up and leave him alone? Is that your definition of awesome?
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Cashew Jan 2022
He's AWESOME!
He controlled the immediate problem and found solutions while he had one confused and lost person...and one panicked and freaked out person. He brought calm and focus.
He was probably as disgusted, but his disgust was put off to take care of the situation.
Women have a tendency to want their men to talk about things that the men not only DON'T want to talk about but find EXTREMELY DISTRESSING.
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Code BROWN!
Yeah, it's disgusting. and it's probably not an "isolated" incident but more likely a percursor to what's to come. Dementia reverses life skills. Time to put her on a schedule and diapers.
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Check this toilet bidet out and the short video on how easy it is to install, I was surprised:

https://www.amazon.com/Veken-Ultra-Slim-Non-Electric-Adjustable-Attachment/dp/B086QVHZL7/ref=sr_1_4?crid=17MP04O3FZAPB&keywords=veken%2Bbidet%2Btoilet%2Bseat&qid=1642109434&s=hi&sprefix=veken%2Bbidet%2Btoilet%2Bseat%2Ctools%2C111&sr=1-4&th=1

Plus it's $30!
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That happens when amateurs try to emulate what professionally trained staff do in nursing homes.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2022
You keep typing this statement over & over again, but many people find themselves in a troublesome situation regardless and they need advice, not 'told ya so' statements.
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Thank you all for sharing your P*&^P stories, tips and advice... what a crazy thing to bind us together!
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
I think it's the stark reality of the caregiving situation. Right down to the poopy stories is what binds this group.
In a perfect world, wouldn't it be nice to have those family members (and you all jus' know who I'm talking about-the finger pointers, the do it this way, the I don't have time to help you, the why aren't you doing more people) have them right there in the room as a loved one has had an epic bowel movement and have to help clean up. Might get those folks to shut up if they won't help or help since they now see what really is going on.
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Its normal to get upset we arent robots after all. Ive never seen so much crap in my life & ive learned to just clean up without thinking about it at time. But when im done i say “gross” and move on.
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My Mom had a blow out sometime in morning hours. I did not even hear her on the monitor. Looked like the toilet threw up. We had a throw rug we just rolled up and threw in a trash bag. I found her in her chair with no depends on but only a small spot on her gown. It was on the door on the TV cabinet on the wood work. I had to clean up the bathroom before I could even shower her. It took me 3 hours to clean with PineSol and then bleach. And I cried. I don't do bodily functions well. Toileting for me was the worse thing. I would gag. My RN daughter says this is not unusual.

So sorry you went thru this.
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againx100 Jan 2022
OMG this sounds horrid. I would have DEFINITELY been crying!! And gagging. You poor thing!
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I just have to detach from who it is and what I’m doing.
I hate to say it but I have dogs too so I’m used to poop at a certain level, it just is a lot harder when its mum or dad
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My reactions to the worst incidents are something I still feel shame about even years later. The thing is it's incredibly hard to "let compassion lead you" when confronted with a major diarrhea blow out, and it often happened at the worst possible time like in the middle of the night or just before/during a meal. You have my sympathy.
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Countrymouse Jan 2022
I know it is! Hard, I mean. I screeched at mother all round the house the first time it happened and yes I also agree to my lasting shame and regret. But then, you and I didn't have any warning, did we? - though of course it's still going to be a shock when it first happens and of course it's still one of the most challenging features of caregiving no matter how well prepared you are in theory.
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Poop Parade is a good way of describing the experience. I myself call it Poop Patrol. Either way it's a horrific experience. I've cleaned a lot of piss and crap up over the years being in homecare. No one understands what it's like unless they've had to do it themselves.
What will happen is you'll get to a point where cleaning it up won't even faze you anymore. When you have to deal with it help yourself by wearing a plastic apron over your clothes, a mask, and gloves. Having these things does help.
Your mother should probably be in actual diapers now. Not pull-ups because those are useless with bowel incontinence and actually make a bigger mess.
You say you don't have money to put her into memory care or to hire in-home aides to do the dirty work. You do not need to have money for that. It isn't up to you to pay for it and you're not expected to.
Your mother's income is what pays for that. If she doesn't have enough then Medicaid will make up the difference. This is how it works.
If your husband is yelling at you to shut up and leave him alone, then it's time to look for care facility placement for mom. He doesn't want her there and likely feels guilty and ashamed of himself to say so. Believe me when I say that being the caregiver to an elderly person can destroy an otherwise good and happy marriage. Don't do that to your husband. Don't do it to yourself.
Find an appropriate facility for your mother. The one that accepts her will take care of doing her Medicaid application. As you know the facility will start collecting all of her income and if she has any assets like real estate, savings accounts, or certain kinds of life insurance policies they will have to be turned over and used to pay for part of her care in the facility she goes to.
You already say there's no money so there's nothing to lose. Find a care facility for your mother before your husband finds a new life without you.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
Her mom isn't a citizen, never worked or paid taxes in the US. So it isn't how it works for everyone.

Her husband and her are paying out of pocket so mom can have health insurance.

It takes years for this help to become available in situations like this.

They are all doing the best they can to take care of this woman that would otherwise be in India, most likely underground, because the caregivers couldn't be bothered to do what they were being paid for.
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Here's a nice, cheap way to rid unwanted oders, courtesy of Mrs. Beaton's Book of Household Magement circa 1850s

Pour plain white vinegar half way up in a 4 cup non reactive bowl. Place in stinky area-where it won't be knocked over. You will smell the vinegar for a few hours, then....odors are gone. When the vinegar has done it's job (if the smells come back-then repeat this) pour it down the kitchen drain on top of baking soda, it'll still fizz up and get rid of some of that stink too. Can't vouch for this technique on industrial, gas mask worthy stinky-but it works for me.
I've used this to get rid of cigar smells. Have a tray of vinegar near 6 litter boxes. It works.
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JoAnn29 Jan 2022
A friend told me this. I didn't smell the vinegar but I noticed in an hour the smell going away. Kept it out a couple of days.
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Bless your heart! I had gotten my sweet mom dressed like a Queen for her home visit from the Physical Therapist one “pleasant” Sunday afternoon, and as I pulled her into her walker and Mr. PT was ringing the doorbell, I found, to my HORROR, that she’d “functioned” through her clothes (white knit skirt, of course) and onto my cherished sofa cushion, which in calmer days, she’d given me as a housewarming present.

Never since she’d broken her hip did she move as fast as she did that day, me propelling her every inch, into an adjacent bathroom, a change of clothes that made Superman’s look like a 3 Toed Sloth, a quick (had to be) go over the sofa cushion with an antiseptic wipe, and PHYSICAL THERAPY WAS UNDERWAY!

My blood pressure was by then about 300/200, but at some point, my husband and I could chuckle about the awards I’d win in The Quick Change Olympics.

In our situation, we ultimately stopped dwelling on what we couldn’t do to get help for her AND US, and started vigorously and aggressively figuring what we COULD do, and learned that we had a few options we hadn’t thought of, and the resulting changes were better for us but more importantly MUCH better for her.

If SHE has “no money” see if she’s eligible for any financial support from community sources. Even if she isn’t you may find a hidden source or two of some sort of relief that you hadn’t previously realized.
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Oh no, poor ALL of you - mother and husband and you!

The thought of having dirty or sticky hands still makes my ears prickle and sends me scurrying to the nearest handbasin, and I am now a proudly seasoned campaigner in the continence wars with many a technicolor experience under my belt. So I completely sympathise with your AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH - ! meltdown on this occasion.

But steel yourself, because this is really important. Your mother was desperate to conceal her waste after her toileting accident. Your (very natural! I'm not criticising!) disgust response will only exacerbate her anxiety and make her *more* likely to try to deal with such incidents secretly, with more and more disastrous results as her abilities wane and her fear waxes.

Soiling on hands is a nightmare for us, because you've got to get the hands clean or you're going to have to clean EVERYTHING in the room, but you can't get the person to co-operate until you've got rid of whatever has upset her, whether that's a full diaper or a dirty sheet or whatever. And meanwhile you have a panicking and demented frail old lady who's already upset and often tearful and you have to reassure her that this is nothing to worry about and you'll soon have her clean and comfortable. [And meanwhile all that stands between you and the deluge is a 16 micron polythene apron and a pair of vinyl gloves. Never mind, least of your worries!]

So, step one. Think how *she* feels, and let compassion lead you. Seriously. Your number one priority is to banish shame, fear, bewilderment and humiliation from her thoughts. This is a practical issue, that's all it is, and you mustn't allow her to perceive that you're having any different reaction to it. [All the same, you may find it helpful to bear unspoken in mind that nothing can happen to you that a nailbrush, hot running water, soap and disinfectant can't cure in approximately ten minutes. I know I do].

And once it's all over bar the showering (of you, that is), look for unobtrusive preventive measures. E.g. a shorter manicure; introducing support with toilet transfers to ensure she is comfortably settled and has everything she needs within reach before you leave her alone and wait outside - I suspect what happened on this particular occasion, you see, was that she began to pass the stool before she got her panties down, and what she was holding was taken either from her clothes or from having dropped onto the floor... oh boy. I hope you weren't about to have lunch!
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Weary, I am told that putting some Vix Vaporub under your nose can help.

Consider that some elders develop lactose intolerance as we age.
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My son had a head injury that destroyed his sense of smell and taste. He’s changed all the poop diapers for his three kids. I’ve told him I’m moving to his house if start having poop problems.
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Oh wearynow, I can't imagine.

I think I would have had a meltdown under the circumstances.

Thankfully you hubby was able to help you.

I have a pretty weak stomach and gag at foul odors. I can't deal with incontinence at all, it makes me vomit, even baby poo. So well done that you were able to cope and get it cleaned up.

Have you been able to introduce depends yet?
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Cover99 Jan 2022
So no using public bathrooms?
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Thank you so much LavenderBear, Beatty, Ariadnee, againx100 for your support - means a lot to me -it's so devastating that mom has come to this. I'm not able to accept that she actually was holding it....hopefully the horror will fade over time as other horrors replace it,I'm sure.

Mom has eaten tiramisu before...maybe her digestion has weakened since then.

Have a great day, fellow caregivers
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
You're welcome!
Yeah....there's more shiate that will be comin' down the road...sorry. At least keep venting here, you are not alone.
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I don't like it. I have to change her disposable panties while she is lying in bed. She has to go to the bathroom, though ... not much she can do about that, unfortunately. She's not able to sit up, and is no longer able to use the porta-potty we used to have next to her bed.
I understand that, but still don't like it.

How I cope: I don't look at the poo while cleaning it. I wear multiple masks, gloves, use multiple wipes and a paper towel or two to hide the poo while I remove it. Also put a scented cream under my nose to help block the smell.

I then make sure she's washed clean & spray some air freshener into the air, as needed. I get the used disposable panty bagged up as soon as I can and remove it from the area.

I don't enjoy cleaning the poo, but it needs to be done. So, I try to look at it logically and understand the necessity of the task. She's completely bedridden, and it's just part of life now.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
LavenderBear,

I find that it's actually easier and less messy to change a person laying flat on the bed then it is to try doing it in the bathroom while they're on the toilet.
Too many caregivers make it harder on themselves and the elders they're caring for by keeping them in pull-ups or disposable underwear long past the time when they should have been put into actual diapers. I've seen some bad situations happen involving portable commodes that should have been put away long before they were too.
No one wants to go into diapers. No one wants to force someone either but as caregivers we often have to do what must be done.
When the move to actual diapers has to happen, the caregiver is usually the one who has to be the 'bad guy' and force it.
I've had many clients who had to hear the ultimatum of 'either we start using the diapers or you go into a nursing home' from me because their family didn't want to do it. Or families who had to be told by me that the commodes get put away and we start using actual diapers or I will leave right now and not return. It's hard to do but you have to do it.
I never went near a client when I wasn't wearing a mask (long before any Covid rules), gloves, and a plastic apron.
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I just saw a Hoarders episode where the bathroom was filled (I really mean filled) with soiled scrunched up brown streaked loo roll. The unfortunate man just could not manage his hygiene (memory/mental illness/physical disability not specified or obvious).

Wow, I hoped those guys who shoveled that out were paid well!

Maybe give your tale a week. Slowly you may learn to laugh about it. Bit of dark humour here & there I think is needed when Dementia comes to town 💩
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I would not reccomend blocking out the horror of the poop incident-"shiate happens". It's ok. My poop learning curve was changing my mother's ostomy bags. I couldn't really discuss that with my then husband at the time. At one point a few days from now, see if you can talk to your husband about this-has to be hard for him too.
I cope with the nutty stuff by writing, talking to friends and a very nice social worker-who has set up a Zoom dementia caregiving group.
I'd talk to your local area agency on aging about Memory Care or what other options your mother has-because, you already know her caregiving will become much harder, if not impossible.
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I'm totally with you! I am totally disgusted by adult poop!!! There have been a couple of isolated incidents here and I just can NOT handle it. If/when it becomes a "normal" part of my mom's life, I will be having her move into a facility. This is one of my "no way can I handle this" triggers.

Thankful for awesome husbands who are not as grossed out over this poop situation as we are! Mine totally saved my a$$ when I was literally crying when I opened my mom's laundry basket a few years ago and saw a lot of disgusting things I wish I'd never seen. He did the laundry for me and claimed that he didn't mind. Saint!.

To deal with it more calmly, maybe force yourself to walk away. Take some deep breaths, count to 10 and then go back and do what you need to do.

Does she have a dairy intolerance? My mom does and now we've finally learned after years of not being able to nail it down that it sends her to the bathroom over and over again for hours. Thankfully she has her own bathroom. No more tiramisu for her! Who knows - could have been anything and hopefully it was a totally isolated incident.

I found some suspicious things in my mom's basket again today and found 2 towels with questionable stuff on them. "Mom, is this poop?" "Umm, I think so." "Why is it on a towel in your laundry?" "I don't know" This is how most conversations go around here. I can NOT get any info out of her. I guess her dementia (working on a diagnosis) is progressing. Not fun. Not fun at all.

Regarding no money to get help or put her somewhere - my 95 MIL who has nothing but her meager social security check is in a nursing home on medicaid. So this IS an option when you can no longer handle mom at home.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Too true, againx100. Changing and adult is absolutely nothign even remotely like changing a baby.
People think it is but it's so not.
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