Dad is 83 and has been diagnosed with vascular dementia since 2013.
He is bitter, lonely, twisted and has nothing good to say. He has no interest in anyone or anything. Has spent all his life alienating people including me.
He goes on and on about the same things over and over and over again.
He is miserable, angry, depressed, and more. He is a hoarder too.
He is so ungrateful. I live with him but I have my own private living space in the house. It is his house. He is very proud of this and will often say get out of my house. This is my house. I told him many times yes it is your house but its my home too. We also have tenants who live upstairs. He is so arrogant. I also told him he can't take the house with him when he dies.
His dementia causes many problems. I have carers who come in to help. He is not very nice to them and often doesn't want them in the house. He is awkward, stubborn, argumentative and much more.
He doesn't want to wash. I had to force him the other day to have a bath and the carer was helping.
He has clothes which are more than 30 years old and he doesn't want to get rid of them. They are very old and have seen better days. He doesn't like to spend money. He is a hoarder of everything and anything.
We have had social services invloved, gp, carers and so on. I was told by social services that if dad is to continue to stay at home I will need to clear his flat and make it more safer and habitable for him. I have so far cleared about 40 black sacks of rubbish and there is still more to do. He fights me every step of the way. I have now resorted to clearing things while he is asleep or when he is in the bathroom with the carers. Its the only way. Every opportunity I get I use it to take some stuff to my room to sort out and 95% of it is crap. I have even found money which as far as I am concerned is finders keepers although you may not agree. I am 44 single and have spent my whole life trying to bail dad out of trouble and keep things in order. He has given me 44 years of hell. He has no respect for me
I recently also got him meals on wheels and carers. He has the audacity to tell me I am not looking after him anyway. So where does he think all these meals and care etc is coming from. He hasnt noticed stuff missing from where I cleared out. He also doesn't recognise them as carers. He just thinks they are there.
If I didn't care I wouldn't bother with all of this.
He doesn't want to go into care and says if I put him in care he will kill himself and cut me out of his will. He is horrible.
I have wished him dead and he often tells me he wants to die. You can't have a conversation with him. He is impossible. I have never had a good relationship with him so one could ask why am I here? Only god knows. I have no other support. Having the carers has provided some respite and I now want to get him out of the house for a week or two so I can do stuff to his flat such as hiring a skip and having a real clear out and more. I cant do it if he is there.
He just doesn't listen and its all the time this is my house leave me alone. He sleeps a lot also in the day. He is then awake at night opening and closing his flat door which disturbs me and the tenants. The last I counted waa he open it 450 times in the space of 7 hours. I'm going crazy.
I would also call in Hospice to see if he qualifies for their services.
You may also consider hiring 24/7 carers for him since he's up all night opening & closing doors and keeping others awake. Or at least a night carer that can sit with him and make sure he's not up and causing mischief.
And I agree...........it's finders, keepers! :)
Does your father have financial means for care? Hopefully, you're not footing the bill for him to remain a hoarder in the house... You may want to consider moving out. You may have to do this anyway if your father doesn't have financial means for care, he will have to sell the house (doesn't sound likely) or the state will "claim" it if it gets guardianship over him. If you are from an immigrant culture, there is strong expectation and desire to get care only from family members (especially the women). This is an untenable assumption from that generation that doesn't translate into modern American culture (I know this well as it is in my family). You are not obligated to do it, even if you are able/willing. Don't feel guilty if you decide to resign care to the state. You need to live the rest of your life. And honestly, your father may get better care since the social workers know how to work with aging hoarders and your father will probably fight you tooth and nail every step of the way just to give him daily care.
Please don't waste any time cleaning up his spaces as this will enrage him, disorient him and invite him to just fill it up again. After you move out you can report him to Adult Protective Services as a vulnerable adult. They will come and do an assessment of him and his needs. If they get guardianship over him he will be taken care of but you/your family will have no say into where he goes. My stepFIL had this and it was ok...he was placed locally and got the care he needed even when he refused to move or accept help (he had Parkinsons). Again, guardianship is for if your dad doesn't have financial means and he doesn't give anyone authority through Power of Attorney to act on his behalf. You would need to get guardianship over him through the courts. Also, don't worry about inheriting the house or keeping it in the family...it's the least of your worries and will cause you to make less than optimal decisions in this situation and for your self. I wish you much confidence and peace over your decisions through it all.