My mother-in-law is an 80-year-old widow and has been experiencing bipolar episodes over the last few years that are becoming progressively worse with each episode. During a recent manic episode she decided to get married and give up her senior living apartment to move in with her new husband. Shortly after the wedding she went into a depression and had serious regrets about the marriage and wanted nothing to do with her husband or his home. His home is in bad shape, but when she was ‘high’ she thought it was fine and when she went ‘low’ it was intolerable. She showed up on our doorstep with most of her possessions.
She sunk into such despair we were concerned she might harm herself and I had to take her to the hospital where she was transferred to a psychiatric unit. She was released a few days later and went to stay with her daughter that is living in the house my MIL owns but after a week my MIL landed on our doorstep again, this time in a ‘high’ state. I just can’t handle being around her, my heart rate goes through the roof and I feel enormously stressed whenever I’m around her.
Everyone else thinks she’s a wonderful person and I’m feeling like I’m being selfish and uncaring and I don’t know how to change the way I react. She is back to being in love with her new husband, but she doesn’t want to live with him and my husband tells her she’s welcome in our home.
I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how to keep myself from being reactive and how to be more tolerant of the situation. I keep trying to remind myself that she has a mental health illness but I’m a very quiet, private person and I have a hard time sharing my space and I feel guilty about it.
I know how awful it is dealing with a parent that has mental illness. What’s even worse is trying to deal with it when the parent has actually caused them to have mental issues due to the stress of taking care of them.
Caretakers are at a huge risk of getting sick themselves due to stress.
Trust me. Do NOT let your husband do this to you. I have had mental breakdowns and illnesses do to stress and always being the caretaker of everyone.
It’s hard when kindness is taken advantage of. I was made to feel guilty when I did not jump at every command. It has taken a huge toll on my own mental and physical health.
I hope you can find strength to say no.
Tell dh that HE is in charge of his mother being welcome in your home, including all her care and maintenance. That you will have no part of it bc you are not qualified to care for a mentally ill elder with this magnitude of issues! He'll likely have to be forced to see the reality of this situation firsthand before he realizes he's out of his depth!
I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck.
Why were you the one to take her to the hospital? Where was your H?
Is your H around a lot? Does he over see his mother's care? Does he DO any caregiving?
Is MIL deemed to be mentally competent? If not, who has her POA/HCPOA? Her husband?
I'm asking because it might give you something of an out even if she doesn't like him anymore.
No way should this woman be your responsibility. Or your husband's. If you care about your marriage, you're going to have to be more forceful in stating that she can't live with you. You and your husband should come first to each other. He's supposed to cleave to you, not mommy.
You're not being selfish and uncaring. You're being sensible.
After being diagnosed with bipolar, she was prescribed Risperidone and it worked wonders instantly. Her mood has stabilized and she’s incredibly more calm than she was before. Her paranoia hasn’t gone away fully but it’s a lot easier to manage and live with. But this may had been gone undiagnosed if I did not go to doctor’s appointments with her and talked with her PCP privately about what I was observing.
Your spouse needs to be more involved in her care, go to doctor’s appointments, and get her the medication or therapy she needs. She should not live with you if at all possible. Someone this ill at her age belongs in a senior living facility. If she does have to live with you it should only be under the condition that she take appropriate antipsychotics and seek additional medical/psychological assistance as recommended by her doctor.
*Support* will work best with boundaries that work for you & your household. So support does not become *burden* (as it already seems to have done).
Can you safely leave her to have a private long discussion with your husband to what that support will look like going forward?
I have a mentally ill family member. I know I cannot fix it. What I can do is alert professionals when they require help & keep abreast of their needs to advocate for their rights. I will not ever provide accomodation. But I have come to my plan over a long timeframe.
Start the serious conversation with your husband now (if you haven't already). Good clear communication is key to working this out. Are you on the same page? If not, keep writing here if it helps as others have been in this position.
Marriage counselling also can be a safe place to discuss this big topic. (Especially if your husband is 'deaf' to your feelings of distress). You are completely entitled to feel how you do.
"My husband tells her she’s welcome in our home".
Your home belongs to BOTH of you. Therefore BOTH of you must agree to that.
*Welcome* needs discussion & boundaries. Visiting - staying a few days - moving in permanently. These are very different things.
Doesn't this behavior bother your DH? He is ok with having his mom with some serious mental health issues living with you? That's pretty thoughtless of him.
She needs constant care--monitoring her meds (Bipolar people are notorious for quitting their meds when they are 'up' and then having to crash and burn when the meds leave their system.) and making sure she's TAKING them.
I have a friend who is a tremendous writer. When he's manic.
When he's treated, his creative side is quashed--so he actually PLANNED to have periods of time when he wouldn't medicate and IDK how his wife stood it.
Eventually, the back and forth of meds made it impossible for him to live with his family and he had to choose. He chose his family. He said the highs were so AMAZING, but he realized that in their own way, they were as bad as the lows. Now he is always on his meds, he's doing well. Sadly, he cannot write with the same vigor, but life is nothing if not a trade off.
The fact that she has bipolar disorder certainly makes it more complicated.
Many people are able to reasonably control their symptoms if they are faithful to taking their meds.
If they don’t take their meds regularly, it can easily lead to mayhem in your household. Think of the chaos that this will create in your marriage.
I wouldn’t recommend that your MIL move into your home. Not now, not ever!
Help her to help herself. That will be the greatest gift that you can give to her and yourself.
Best wishes to you and your family.
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