My mom died over a year ago and I felt my 90 year old dad needed me to be around, so I moved in with him, which I am thinking now was a mistake. He was not eating, the house was dirty and he was depressed. He is more alive now. As for me, I have only been able to find jobs that pay little in this area. I have bills, car payment and credit cards. I have fallen behind on payments and my dad who is quite wealthy does not offer to help, even though he knows I am struggling. He has passive-aggressive tendencies and says things will get better or you’ll hear something soon, with little regard for my dire situation. Before I moved in with him, I had a great job and money to pay bills with a little extra. This was 5 hours away near my kids and grandkids. While growing up and even more now living with my dad I feel unappreciated, devalued and stressed to the point of it affecting my mental and physical health. I do so many things for him with no acknowledgement or even a simple thank-you. He doesn’t care about anything to do with me and I doubt he even knows my favorite color or even the color of my eyes! He has always been a narcissist, all about him and prides himself on his money that he has saved over his lifetime. I know he will never change. I have worked hard all my life but have lost a lot of money looking after my parents during time of need. But, although he is this way, I don’t like the thought of leaving him alone. He looks pitiful going around this little town all bent over and frail with his walker. But, he is doing his thing. I have lived my whole life in guilt, as if I am not enough for them. I have never felt I lived my own life without thinking always what is best for them. My dad sleeps in his recliner most of the day but can still drive, mow, eat and go to bathroom on own. He may pass tomorrow or in years, I don’t know. Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I want to go back to my kids and my old job and way of life. If I stay with my dad, my financial situation will suffer even more. If I leave, the guilt may overcome me as well.
My dad is obsessed with not spending his money. Living with him, I can tell it bothers him that I take long showers, wash my clothes more than him and burn gasoline more than he thinks I should. In fact, we got into a knock down drag out about money. He told me that I was irresponsible, stupid, a dumb head and had not amounted to anything because I was horrible with money. Also, that I never wanted to work and always looked for a hand-out! He however, worked hard and saved every penny that he earned.
I have had some issues in the past financially. But, I have worked hard since age 16, obtained a masters degree in nursing and never have I asked for money. I worked full-time and raised 2 children without any child support. A few times he offered and I accepted his help. I would not have taken it if I knew that he was going to hold it against me after all these years! It saddens me that his final perception of my whole life is so negative just because I didn’t save enough money??
I moved in with him this time thinking that he was dying and I was here to help out. I pay my own bills and buy my own food. But he thinks I am here to take his money!!
Lesson learned. I am looking for a job to go back where my family is located at. He will be 91 on Thursday. He is losing weight and looking like skin and bones. But, he wants to be independent and I am going to honor his wishes.
It is hard to leave him in this shape but I have to look after myself also. I have done so many things to help him while here, yet he says I haven’t done a damn thing.
Once I am gone this time, I really feel I should not come back to live here again.
Thank-you all for your responses!
I kind of wonder if sometimes we have to have this lived experience, so that when we look back, we KNOW the reality.
Independant, ornery. Frugal. Typical of the 'silent generation'.. born in the depression years, marked by WW2, food stamps & all that.
Captain of his own ship - whether sailing ahead or taking on water. He wouldn't let you board & run his ship. He may well be in that stage of old age.. focused on his own needs. Self-survival thing I guess. But his lack of gratitude & lack of empathy to you hurts. I get that. Try to put that aside if you can. Make peace that he is living his way. For as long as he can.
All the best for your return to your own space & life soon.
Your father can hire help .
You owe your father NOTHING at this point....never did owe him anything, so kick the unfounded guilt aside and get on with living your life, doing what you enjoy, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
Heck the way you're going it could very well be you dying before your 90 year old father, just from the stress alone.
So let your father know that you will be moving out by the end of May and going back to your life and family, and that he will either have to hire in-home help for himself or move into an assisted living facility, as you need/want your life back.
Any "normal" parent would never want their child giving up their life for theirs.
It sounds like initially you moved in with the hopes of your father helping you with your bills, but you made the mistake of not getting a signed contract agreement of him paying you for your help with him and his house.
So lesson now learned and time to move on, as again you are NOT responsible for your father. But you are responsible for yourself.
I do hope and pray that you've not placed this warped sense of duty caring for their elderly parents onto your children, as they, like you deserve to live and enjoy their own lives in the way they see fit.
I wish you the very best in moving back home and once again finding peace and joy in your life.
However, I didn't see where she moved in to help pay bills, just that her financial situation deteriorated after moving away from her good job.
This situation, as it stands, is unsustainable. You are sacrificing your life and will never be able to retire. You never get that time with your grandkids back.
I want you to Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt. And look at a website called "Out of the F.O.G."
Do it today.
I don't think you want to live with Dad till the day he dies.
"I have felt that he needs me around.."
Tweak this. A small re-phrase:
I have felt that he needs *someone* around.." or
I have felt that ne needs *some help*.
See the change?
HE may need the help - but it does not need to be done with YOUR two hands.
Many people find they actually volunteered themselves as option #1. Or even option EVERYTHING!
There ARE other options...
I don't have to go to my mom's, I get to go to my mom's. One word changes are thinking process
He is 'aging in place'.
Yet you are... stagnating?
Seeing where you are is the first step.
If you are there helping he needs to pay you a living wage to take care of him so you can pay for your car and basic needs. He could live another 10 years. Are you willing to stay there that long?
As for guilt for leaving, you should gave none. Clearly he doesn't care about you and what caring for him is doing to you. That should be enough for you to put yourself first. Time to accept that and move on.
Move out, right now. Your dad is wealthy and can pay other people to take care of him. At any rate, he is not your problem.
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