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My mother has spent her life pretty much mentally belittling me. I'm now older and she in her 80's. I've always put up with her neglect and inability to show empathy or emotion. She plays favorites with other siblings and lies about me to them. My husband and I have gone out of our way to help my folks. My mom lives with my father that has dementia and Alzheimer's. He is difficult but manageable. She is problem. She is the one that refuses to do anything we offer to help. I feel backed in a corner and performing a job I don't want. My sibling refuses to move them with him. Instead he believes what she dishes snd he berates me. My husband and I feel done.

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Thank you. Im in a situation where my mom basically babies my brother. He unattached to normal daily life here. He returns and its all about him. Im starting to think he has inherited her issues. He won't talk to me and is terrified of confrontation to the point he ha his wife speak for him. Its hard to not feel like Im the crazy one sometimes. I thankfully have an excellent husband in med field that supports me and is beyond helpful. he has done so much for my folks too.
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I just replied to your other post.

Now I will reply here. It’s clear that you have issues with your mom. Tell us more about your relationship with your brother. You say, “He refuses to allow them to live with him.” Why should he do that? Especially, since you have POA. It’s not his responsibility to let them live in his home. He’s smart not to invite trouble.

Your other post says that he abandoned your parents and that your dad fell. I am so sorry that he fell. Your brother cannot care for them24/7. I am assuming that he has a job. He needs to rest and have time for himself. Do you share the caregiving responsibilities with your brother?

Have you spoken to your mom and dad about a facility or hiring in home help? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area for a needs assessment or spoken to a social worker to help you plan for your parents care? The social worker and COA were very helpful when I consulted them for advice with my parents.

You say that you offer to help your parents and they refuse. You can’t make anyone do anything. Set boundaries and stick to it. I hope that you are able to find a viable solution soon.
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PandaMom4 Aug 2021
Thanks for your answer. I appreciate this support so much. I wasn't clear on the dynamics of our family so I will clarify. I have a half sister whom I do not have a relationship with. She is my fathers daughter from a previous relationship. She has basically had it in for me my whole life and we've not spoken for 3 years. Im in my late forties now. My full blood brother lives in another state. He used to live here but decided moving away from this mess to a sunny location was a wiser choice for him and his family.His wife doesn't seem to want any part of dealing with my folks. When he left my folks were in better shape than now. He left for work though he lives in another state and works from home. He visits twice a year and this last visit was volatile. He must feel some guilt for leaving as he refused too let his children leave my parents house whole visit. Refused to let cousins play unless we went there. The home is a problem for me. He feels warm and fuzzy there but I feel its a place of deep conflict and bad memories. I tend to stay away to protect myself mentally. My brother doesn't respect this boundary. Ive done the best I could do for my folks here while tending to my own large family. When he left I assumed we would in a way be coparenting my parents as they aged, Ive tried to communicate with him on several issues but he never responds me or ignores. Had his wife communicate to me he simply doesn't know what to do with the info I text him. As I said he returns a few times a year to relive his youth and assumes all is like before though its not. He doesn't get the yelling screaming manipulative mom that me and my family sees. He gets the mom that is catering to her fav child. My mom is a narcissist that lacks empathy or compassion for me. She has several other things going on mentally but its difficult to diagnose because she manipulates drs. She has never thanked me for finding her good doctors or giving her best care as my husband is in the industry.
I have spoken to my folks about assisted living. they both refuse though my dad would agree to move to smaller place not assisted. She refuses to leave home because she doesnt want to put up with my dad in close quarters. We had a fam mtg with doctors recently where they were told moving was best option. My dad freaked out and my mom seemed to listen but after appt went back to denying there's an issue and refusal. Our social worker that works with my folks geriatrician will definitely be my next call.
As with all fam issues ours are multifaceted. My mom is mentally ill and I as of now have two siblings that only show up for theatrics. Im basically feeling burned out and disrespected by my family. Ive stopped speaking to my brother and his fam. My mom stoked arguments instead of making things better. I wonder if she does it to get back at me..... I don't know. I do know Im at end of my rope and as of right now just want nothing to do with my side of the family. My mom is at the root of this. Im at a loss..
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You POA is only in effect if Mom cannot make her own decisions. If she can, then let her. Tell her she will need to assign a new POA, if she is competent to do it. You are revolking ur responaibility.

Dad is a different thing. He needs ur help.
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It is not your job as POA to listen to anything your mother or father says.

It is your job AS POA to be sure they are cared for safely and capable. YOU DO NOT have to do hands on care. You may use your parents’ funds to hire caregivers.

Stop “offering” to help. Make statements and then ACT ON THEM. “We are going to the doctor today”. DO NOT ask them if they want to. Tell them, then do it.

Your sibling can berate you until he turns blue, and that will NOT change your job or how you should carry it out.

YOU are POA, YOU make the decisions, YOU carry them out, YOU can IGNORE your sibling.
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