Husband with early Alzheimer's, had OT for driving safety and did not do well. OT wants to limit his driving, but family opposes.

Why are you, the wife, not your husband's POA?

There is something called LYFT and UBER , screw the Family . When he falls down , doesnt Know where He parked his car , Makes a stop on the Highway or gets Killed or kills someone . This is Plain Denial on the Family because they dont want the responsibility of driving Him . This situation is so scary . I took my Dads car Keys and Ordered LYFT to get to appointments .

Montana Motor Vehicle Form 32-1800 -Recommendation for Re-Examination

Available online. Get a copy of the doctors diagnosis attach it. Include everything in your original post that you have observed.

An OT is not a medical doctor and most doctors do not want to say if someone is capable of driving in writing. (been there, done that) They will give a proper medical diagnosis but not include if they can or cannot drive or play the violin.

Driving is a privilege not a right and a degenerating brain does not understand this. Sometimes a full functioning brain does not understand this. It is irrelevant what the kids or anyone else thinks but it is understandable to desire a united front backing up your decision.

We are all here backing you up with our collective experiences.

Went thru this with my father, had lots of unsolicited advice and remarks how terrible this was to "do-to-HIM". My retort would be -I am not loading a gun and handing it to HIM when he is angry, nor am I letting him drive when he is not in capacity to do it.

The DMW process took a while but it was then up to the state agency and him. The agency got the blame not me.

I’m not sure I would push the POA at this point if it isn’t going to be you as primary. And you need the POA right away while he can still sign so this needs to get sorted soon. It is usually a good idea for a younger generation to the the POA but perhaps it should be you for now.
Are these your children or your step children? Maybe have daughter be alternate. As long as you are going to be the “caregiver” if I were you I would want to be his POA as his finances very much affect your finances. Otherwise your life will be affected by what daughter thinks appropriate for dad and you two don’t seem to have the same goals.
Perhaps you should go to an elder attorney for yourself and have your own legal documents done. This would allow you to understand what you need to have in place to protect you.

Patty, some of the early answers think this is YOUR father, so perhaps confirm that it’s your husband, the kids’ father. Does he have a POA? If not, he is at the stage where it can probably still be organised. If he nominates one of the kids, make sure that it not someone who is pushing for him to drive.

One way to deal with this is to type out an ‘agreement’ for each child to sign, agreeing that they will pay for all and any damages that result from a vehicle accident involving their father as a driver. One for each child. Make it as formal as possible, dated and witnessed. My experience is that signing something like that sets people back on their heels. At the moment it's all a bit abstract. Making it very personal also makes it very different.

If they won’t sign (and they won’t if they have half a brain) you can then have a different conversation about why your own finances can potentially be badly affected but they won’t risk their own money. Let them argue about it between themselves, not with you. It's even worth paying a lawyer to prepare the agreement if you don't feel able to, and getting the kids to sign it with the lawyer's staff as witnesses. Just saying that's what you are going to do may tip the balance.

As Fawny said
I'm not a lawyer, but, what if he injured someone in an accident? In a civil lawsuit, they could sue family I would think, and particularly you since you are caring for him. I assume you have POA? but either way, I think you and the family could be at legal risk, and would not have much to stand on.....if all this came out in court including the OT's recommendation?

The bottom line question is why don’t they agree with doing what is in his best interest? Are they terrible people?

Is there any chance that your husband would VOLUNTARILY stop driving if you seriously asked him to? That would render the kids' opinions null and void--which they need to be anyway. My husband (94 Y/O) stopped driving in 2020. He's a former athlete and was a police officer many years ago so has always been healthy, strong and fit. However, we're both old-old now. Four years ago, he realized that his short-term memory, vision and physical abilities weren't what they once were and accepted that he needed to stop driving completely. (He had already given up night and out-of-area driving some years earlier.)

I'm 87 and still drive locally during the daytime. I drive my small manual-shift SUV safely with self-imposed limitations. (So far, I've had no tickets, accidents, close calls or near misses). Admittedly I dread the day when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I hope/think I will know when/if that time has arrived.

This doesn’t seem like “early” Alzheimer’s. More like mid-stage, but that’s beside the point.

Ever heard of a wrongful death suit? That’s a thing where you and your husband can potentially lose everything you’ve worked for and own. Both of you, even if he’s the driver. It would certainly be brought up in court that you knew he had Alzheimer’s and took no measures to stop him from driving. Vehicular homicide is not something that law enforcement tends to overlook.

Here and in real life, I’ve really learned to dislike “the kids want this,” or “the kids say that.” Why on earth does anyone think they have to do what their kids want, especially when they’re adults and out of the house? As a parent of adult kids, I just don’t get it. I do what I want and they do what they want, and we’re all happy with that arrangement.

"Family doesn't want their Dad to lose his license."
Ask them WHY?

Why they wish Dad to still drive?

Would that mean their Dad is still fine? In great health? Is still young & strong? They want to hold onto that image of their Dad?

Or do they think being asked to stop driving will dint Dad's pride? It would upset him? Anger him?

Are they afraid of his anger?

Challenge their thinking!
Or don't.. accept they may have some denial/other reasons to avoid reality.

Regardless of their feelings - You can take what action you need to.

Wishing you the best.

Dad Falls , Dad can't find Parking , Dad gets Lost , Dad Parks on the side walk , Dad stops On the highway , Dad Loses keys ..... I used LYFT with My Dad .

Stop talking to them and take his dl away. It’s none of their business and they don’t get a vote.

YOU are the one that rules the roost at this point.
Tell the kids if they want to continue to let him drive THEY can move him into their house, use one of their cars and put him on their insurance.
Tell them that you are not going to shoulder the burden WHEN he gets into an accident and the reports WILL show that he has been told to "limit" his driving due to a diagnosis of dementia and poor performance on the driving test.
(frankly I would put a total ban on his driving)

If this makes you a "bad guy" then I wish there were more "bad guys" doing the same thing.

Perhaps you need to share with your obviously oblivious children that if their dad were to kill or severely injure some innocent person, and it was discovered that he had dementia, both you and he could be sued and lose everything you have.
And there would go your children's inheritance.

Someone driving with any of the dementias is NO different than someone driving drunk, or high on drugs, so please DO NOT let your husband drive anymore. Period.
You would feel awful if he were to kill someone and you did nothing to stop him.
So to hell with what your children have to say, it's all about protecting all the other innocent drivers out on the roadways. Have his license taken away ASAP.

And have your children read all the responses on here.

The "family" needs to get over themselves. As the WIFE, you run the show.
If they aren't doing Dad's daily caregiving, they have NO SAY.

Tell them this:
You aren't the "bad guy" by preventing deadly accidents to innocent people.
You are the SHERO.

You have enough to deal with doing Dad's caregiving. Like Alva says, tell them to "Hush up and mind their own business." PERIOD.

I am wondering why OT would think he should LIMIT his driving . He should not drive

Not an excuse, we were wrong, but as my dad began to go downhill with cognitve impairment, we put limits on him, just going back to church or stores on local streets.

The method in our madness was that to the degree he would not drive, it would mean more driving for us. Not right, I get it.

Luckily nothing went wrong before we finally put the kbosh on it

My elderly aunt, who just last week died at age 100, was driving until three years ago A cop stopped her and took away her license pending her taking a new test. My aunt planned to take it in the spring, but I think she knew, and the cop also, she would not pass it.

Cant the state get involved and somehow take away license?

Oh please, why on earth are the children opposed to their father losing his license? Would they rather him lose his life or cause someone else to lose theirs?

My youngest brother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at age 60. One of the first things that I told him was to stop driving!

My brother had several accidents. His doctors have told him that his driving days are over. His doctors also told him that he can no longer fly alone. He was getting lost in the airport.

My brother was saying that he only had to be “more mindful.” There is no way that he can be “more mindful” because he is living with an incurable, progressive disease.

It is hard to see someone losing their independence but everyone involved must adapt to facing the truth. It is counterproductive for this family to feel as if their father can continue driving.

Also, lots of good info here:

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/44/driving

So the "children" are in denial that dad has Alzheimer's, meaning he's perfectly fine to drive, and potentially kill YOU, their mother, himself and innocent people out in their cars including children?????

In the book, Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon, the author devotes a section to driving. She told her husband, little by little, that SHE would drive, to please sit in the passenger seat. In short order, she took over driving entirely and the husband didn't even question it. Pick up a few copies of that book for your own children. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

I personally wouldn't let my husband drive at ALL if he's "unaware of one-way streets, speed limit signs, drives too fast or too slow. Poor lane placement, etc." Lose the keys or insist on driving yourself. Be the Bad Guy for everyone's sake, someone MUST BE. especially in the case of dementia. And why, pray tell, do your children get to weigh in on such decisions at all? Really, unless they are doing the 24/7 hands on caregiving and dealing with the ins and outs of all this, they GET no say!

Wishing you the best of luck taking the bull by the horns and corralling all of the trouble makers into the barn!

Depending on the state, you should be able to report his condition and dangerous driving anonymously online at the MT DMV website. You don't need to be his PoA, but being his adult child is good enough. Provide whatever info you have (His name, current address, medical diagnosis, dates of unsafe driving incidents or other telltale signs (mysterious and inexplicable dents and dings or missing side mirrors that he cannot explain, complaints by neighbors, etc).

Most likely the DMV will mail him a request to show up for an in-person test. For my Aunt in FL (who suffered with triple vision) had to take an eye test. They asked her how she got there and her nephew took her. They wouldn't renew her DL.

If your Dad gets such a letter make sure NO ONE takes him to that appointment and just let his license expire. Maybe even intercept the letter so he never sees it. I've done this reporting for 3 elders in my family and all of them got their licenses retired.

FYI my cousins should have made more of an effort to retire my Uncle's DL but no one had the guts to do it. He went through a red light and got broadsided, which killed his wife and injured the victims in the other car. Your siblings need to know there is this type of real risk. Happens every day, just doesn't get reported on the news. When I lived in south FL at least once a month some elder backed over their own spouse in the Publix parking lot.

I am so sorry you are going through this, you have enough issues taking care of your husband and now your kids are fighting it.

All of us kids didn't wanty dad to drive anymore, my dad didn't want to, but my mom wouldnt admit he shouldn't. So I'm very glad to hear you are not in denial and have common sense.

Could it be because they don't want to be bothered with driving him places.

I have no good answers to your problem, just wanted to tell you that your not alone. Your kids really need to accept the fact that there dad is ill.

Best of luck

Call the DMV and ask if they will test him. I agree, there is no "little" bit. No one suffering from a Dementia should be driving. My Uncle went to gamble in a State he is very familiar with and got lost. We had a woman from Church who was going home and ended up on an interstate. TG she realized she was lost and pulled into a rest stop. A couple saw she got home safely.

You family is so wrong. They need to drive with him. Thats what Moms doctor said.

Are you POA?
If so please go to DMV with Dad, change out the license for senior ID, and sell the car. This is not the time for opinions; this is the time for protective action.
My brother was diagnosed with early Lewys after a serious accident that almost killed him, was lying in arms of neghbor saying " I KNEW something was wrong". Her in SF an elder drove her car over an entire family of four, killing spouses and 2 children. Is that how he should end his own life?

If you are POA then this is on you to take care of, and you should take over the financials as well.

I agree with what Fawnby said. Report the Alzheimer's diagnosis to his insurance company and submit a copy of the OT's report. The insurance company will likely send him a letter dropping him. Can you find out who his carrier is without raising the suspicions of the family?

You should get the name of the OT who thinks the person with Alzheimer's should "limit" their driving time and report them to the state.
Not only should your father lose his license, but that OT should lose theirs to practice.

Did this OT acually get in the car with your father driving and take a ride? Or did they just give him some ridiculous, multiple-choice written test to take that determined he's fit to be behind the wheel, but only for a little while at a time. That's totally ridiculous.

Don't try explaining or reasoning with your family. Go straight to the police, the DMV, and whatever licensing board deals with Occupational Therapists and report the fool who thinks your father is okay to drive a little bit.

Then it's out of your hands. You will have done all you could.

Something. Anything. He needs to be off the roads NOW.

I live in an over-55 community where these people are all over the place. They run into things and people and over plants and into store windows. They run stop signs, speed, and ignore flashing lights at crosswalks where pedestrians are passing. No effort is made to get them of the roads by either police or the community.

Bad things happen. My neighbor almost sideswiped a stop sign on the other side of the street because she never stays in her lane when she makes the left hand turn. It made tire tacks on the adjacent lawn. I was watching and it was scary. Someday a person will be there walking her dog and Mrs. Redvan may run over both of them.

Ask the family if they are okay with losing their dad or possibly having to deal with the lawsuits against him, after he kills or injures someone. He could lose everything he has in a lawsuit. OOPS - there goes their inheritance!