How to handle my mom now being dependent on me for her entire social life?
When my mom first started telling me she wanted to move by me my first push back was "but what about your friends, what will you do without them?" and her response was always to brush off my concerns and heavily imply she would make new friends. We never had an appropriate and necessary conversation about it. Just another mistake on my part. Partly in my defense is my mom has lived alone for 20+ years and was very social with her handful of friends. At the time I didn't know about the dementia and other issues. I overlooked important issues because I was in the FOG.
So now here we are and she has no friends and depends on me and my husband for 100% of her social activity. My attempts to introduce her to people (close to her age in our building) went nowhere, and she refused to even consider going to the local senior center, telling me she doesn't like to "be around old people". Yeah, okay.
This wouldn't be such a huge problem for me (and thus her since I limit my time) but the problem is I don't like my mother's company. I don't like spending time with her. She can trigger me at lightening speed, and if I'm alone with her she won't hesitate to get nasty. She just wants me to sit there patiently listening to her endless loops about her usual complaints and her other favorite topic, the weather. Zero two way conversation, but that's nothing new.
It makes me wonder, what did she expect of me when she was planning to move? We never had much in common or great communication. Now it's worse because of the dementia but I don't know what to do with her. After about two hours I've had my fill of it. I want to go home. Alone.
Then I feel bad because she's home alone and bored. And she lets me know it too.
Anyone else been in this position? Any coping tips or suggestions?
8 Answers
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From everything you have written, you are allowing her to cross your boundaries and intrude upon you and your husband. By doing all the things you neither want nor need to do for her, you are enabling her to be dependent on you and your husband. Your mother is never, ever going to change. Only you can change how you deal with her.
My FIL was obsessed with the Weather Channel for something like 2 years. He followed every single potential weather disaster. He was glued to the television. He wouldn't turn it off even while we were visiting. It was annoying.
My FIL lives in independent living where there's activities all day long. You know what he *chooses* to do? Stay in his apartment while paying for two shifts of caregivers he doesn't really need and who have to listen to his endless pity parties and tales of woe repeated ad nauseam. Neither my husband nor I can listen to his grumblings anymore. It's depressing. It's unnecessary. And it's made absolutely nothing better.
I urge you to read an article by Jessica Stillman called "Complaining Is Terrible for You, According to Science". You can easily find it on the Google.
As for coping, my husband and I cope by making fewer visits and spending less time with him. Once the grumbling starts, we acknowledge it with a quick "That must be frustrating" and we leave. Yes, we leave with a quick "We've got errands to run, love you, bye" and out the door. Compared to so very many people on this forum, FIL has it so darn good that it's practically a sin for him to be as ungrateful as he has become.
I really see ur point. Maybe 2 hrs is too long. Maybe stretch it out. Check on her in the morning , maybe lunch and after dinner. If she hasn't, she will lose the ability to tell time. No mattercwhen u go, she is going to ask why u were away so long. Meaning she'll think it was a day when it could be an hour. Maybe get one of those Facebook things where u can look in on her and see whats going on. My Mom confused TV with reality. She would have thought I was personally there. Like, while u are cleaning up, check on her. She can talk to u all she wants and you just go ahead and do cleaning. I would think there was a volume control.
Have you visited any facilities?
I know that at one point, my LO was rather isolated, but, then she wanted me there 24/7. It was because the dementia at that point had scared her. Things seemed off, strange.....she said it was like she was dreaming. (Maybe your mom is scared too.) She also wasn't able to do things for herself anymore, like make a sandwich or work the tv remote. I'd keep an eye on her to see how she's really doing. And, if you aren't able to make her happy with companionship, accept it. Often people with dementia cannot be pleased. She may complain, get nasty, as you say, but, I don't know of any way to prevent that. Do what you can and find peace with it. People with dementia rarely have a great social life, because, they often forget names, faces, conversations, etc. The lose a sense of empathy. They often are frightened of new places and even forget old places. My mother has friends with dementia who were not able to maintain their social interactions, because of dementia. It's very sad.
Spend 1 or 2 days a week at the Senior Center.
Everyone is nervous about joining an established group. But she has to give it time.
She needs to respect your time with your family.
1 or 2 days with you and your husband, it can be a dinner out, a movie, diner at your house, a game of cards or just sit and watch TV.
She needs to learn how to be by herself so a day or two by herself is not unreasonable. She needs to read, maybe a book club, does she have hobbies?
A bit late but I read your profile and you mention she has been diagnosed with dementia. Are there long range plans? She may not be able to live by herself for much longer. Part of the clinging or shadowing is common with dementia. Have you looked at Assisted Living or Memory Care? At this point she may do better in Assisted Living where she would be part of a community. As she declines she can transition to Memory Care. Adult Day Care rather than the local Senior Center might be an option.
She doesn't have any hobbies, never has. That always struck me as odd, because she also has a low tolerance for boredom. When she complains of being bored which is frequent I remind her that I am not bored because I have hobbies and I list some of them- reading, playing chess, following true crime mysteries, my pets and plants, my sunrise walks and giving lunch to the couple homeless guys I know from the beach access, photography, etc. And she says nothing. Not the least bit interested in anything I do, and no hobbies of her own. It's odd to be honest. Well she likes to party. That's always been a hobby I suppose.
When I was telling my brother last year that I couldn't get her interested in the senior center he joked "Do they have vodka?"..... in reality that IS the kind of crowd she wants to hang with, not "old" people who are doing things like bingo and arts and crafts.
And honestly if she hadn't got dementia that is still what she would be doing. Going to happy hours with her friends and meeting up at each others places for drinks. That is what her old friends are still doing.
Dementia is such a game changer in life. It's sad and the worst thing that can happen to a person imo.
I tried and tried to persuade her to maintain contact with her friends, to no avail. I know some of them really missed her. I think it was vanity on her part. She didn't want them to see her in her deteriorated state, or know anything about her affairs.
Of course once she moved, she wanted me around constantly, not just for company but in case she needed anything done for her. Like her bed changed at the last minute, or a stuck window opened or closed. I responded by setting up certain times that I would see her to do errands, take her to dr. appointments, etc. and resolutely staying home the rest of the time, except in an emergency. All you can do is learn to set some boundaries and refuse to do things that will leave you feeling worse (agitated, put upon) instead of better (dutiful daughter feels). It took a while to learn that and to stick to it. I wish you well!
How is your mom doing now? Did she eventually start to socialize with others besides you?
I'm afraid that with women like this, the ONLY sane answer is to place them in Assisted Living where others are paid to put up with them. They DO wind up carving out a new life for themselves because they have NO other choice. As long as you're 'there' for your mother, what's her impetus to get out and make friends? You're her friend, her sounding board, her scratching post, etc etc. If you can't get her into AL for whatever reason, insist she go to the Senior Center or Adult Daycare or some other activity to keep her occupied because YOU have a full time job now. I work part time but my mother thinks I work full time.........just so she knows I'm not available at her beck and call.
Good luck!
So, here we are. And yes I know if I constantly give in I'm enabling the dependency, so I do push back, but that doesn't stop her expectations or the mind games I ultimately end up playing with myself. It's especially bad right now because she recently spent 5 days at her friends, who catered the entire visit around my mom. Of course my mom was in heaven (and I'm sure her friend was relieved when she left- this is the same friend that talked her into moving!) So... she is extra antsy now and wanting me to be like her friend, indulging her every whim.
How did you ever get your mom to agree to move to a facility? Like I said, unfortunately mine will have to be forced. I'm sure it will be a drama filled mess but that nightmare is further down on the list right now. She's still competent (technically). I have no way of knowing when that will change.
If only she had thought this through and realized assisted living would be the best thing FOR HER, even if she doesn't care what's best for me. The isolation is just another thing I really underestimated.
And what's with the weather obsession? I think part of it is my mom doesn't know what else to talk about so she fakes like she's having normal conversation about the weather. But it's not normal, after she drones on for an hour because it's raining for the second day in a row, it's annoying at best.