How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

I really wish she'd pass on and whatever's left in her estate (after paying for her care) will be divided between my sister and I. It may sound heartess but she put us both through living h*ll.

I was so glad to run across these posts because I'm constantly dealing with my ambivalence about having to care for a mother I have disliked and not gotten along with most of my adult life, mainly because I'm an only child and she always had to be right and in control. I had learned to just stay away from her for my own peace of mind but now I'm suddenly responsible for someone who can't control her life but fights us constantly to remain in control. I really resent being dragged back into frequent close contact and the resulting fighting. My husband cares for her finances but she wants to supervise his every move as she doesn't trust him and thinks we just want to get all her money. This is true to some extent as she wants to stay at home and has the money to do so.
We have excellent in home caregivers but it is extremely expensive and when she sees how much money is going out of her accounts she freaks out. Then the constant rerun argument about whether she wants to stay home or in a nursing home (which she's not quite ready for). She'd settle for either if she didn't have to spend her money after living a very frugal life to accumulate it.
She's very pessimistic and I'm normally an optimist - the source of many disagreements. I guess it's a power struggle pitting her normal control of all things against my need to control many things in her life. I feel very guilty about all this. I'm on antidepressants and Ativan as a backup. She's 96 and has no major health issues other than an ileostomy and some dementia. I hate to even visit her but am often forced to. I feel like a personal and spiritual failure. I like the shared expectations suggestion and the everyone's supportr.

I hope you know, You cannot live another's life for them, more people need to see the pain and agony displayed on this site, maybe they would try and be better people before they become elderly and in need of help from those you more than likely have made their lives miserable all their life anyway, just being in your presence. I wish I had an answer other than to repeat, live for yourself, you too are important and Do Not Let Other People Guilt You into anything less. My Prayers for you...

I was a caretaker for my dad who lived with my husband and me. Toward the end, we had the help of hospice, however it was still difficult for me. His care required 24 hour supervision, and I slept when he slept. He has since passed away but the bottom lie is I would do it all over again regardless of how hard it would be. Remember, it was hard for my dad as well. His little smile, and his barely audible "thank-you" whenever I did something for him was my reward as were his frequent, "I love you." Never, ever would I have wished for my dad to die, and I just cannot imagine doing so. I did everything in my power to help him live just a bit longer just as he and my mom did for me.

was a caretaker for my dad who lived with my husband and me. Toward the end, we had the help of hospice, however it was still difficult for me. His care required 24 hour supervision, and I slept when he slept. He has since passed away but the bottom lie is I would do it all over again regardless of how hard it would be. Remember, it was hard for my dad as well. His little smile, and his barely audible "thank-you" whenever I did something for him was my reward as were his frequent, "I love you." Never, ever would I have wished for my dad to die, and I just cannot imagine doing so. I did everything in my power to help him live just a bit longer just as he and my mom did for me.

You are not alone in your thoughts. At some point and it may seem cold you have to love and let go. My mother also makes some terrible decisions, I let her know that I don't agree with them, but she is also in her right mind but won't accept her physical limitations. I have decided to emotionally step back and am determined not to let the situation bring me down. Hang in there!

I feel your pain. It is very difficult when roles have reversed. I'm in a similar situation but my mom no longer verbally communicates. She is complete care and I am her only living child. I quit my job to care for mom when dad died 6 months ago. I didn't realize how difficult being caregiver was going to be. Don't feel guilty for having those thoughts, it's only normal to want an escape route from this bumpy road that was not your choice to be on. I suggest you look into assisted living such as a foster home. If your situation is that bad, you need to make a decision soon, for your own sanity. God bless.

Your mom sounds like my sister. I assist my sister with absolute need but keep my distance. She has zero communication skills that border sociopathic tendencies. Its exhausting IF I don't draw boundaries. Believe it or not- the world is filled with careless decision making people. Obtaining a POA she has to agree unless you pay a price to have her deemed incompetent. Best advice- let the miserable enjoy each others company and check in by phone but when you hang up- live your life. Any choice she makes can only affect you if YOU ALLOW it- and if you are concerned about any estate after her death, sounds to me it would be worth sacrificing. Life is too short to worry about others because worry is only war in your own mind- there is no winner.

I have been estranged from my mother for years but had to take on the responsibility of putting her in a care home. She is much better off there than subject to her own self neglect.

I think it comes out that way (wishing someone would die) but what you want is really just the situation gone so there can be peace. I have my MIL here every other month and I HATE it. She's 85 in good health other than just being lazy and a complainer (to who will listen) . I find myself silently (and sometimes not so silently) wishing that she'd just go and not come back ... Well since she rotates from one son to the other month by month the most likely way for her to go and not come back would be for her to just go away permanently. Hence the thought of the here after! My husband already accused me of "wanting his mother to die" ...She never should have made this move when she knew I wasn't on board for it ... She could have stayed in her apartment but chose to pull this BS because she said she was lonely ... So now she's basically lonelier ... because even though we may be in the same house its lijke were in seperate countries ... and I still want her OUT one way or the other! Meanwhile my husband feels stuck in the middle of this and obligated to which I tell him ... thank your mother!

Cope by knowing you are not alone on how you feel. Most people do not want responsibilities that are dictated by the choices of others. Distancing your self from your mother as much as possible is a wise choice for you. I have been where you are now. I allowed myself to become angry which led to hatred. When my mother died, I felt relief, but I also felt very guilty about my feelings of hatred.

For new question.. have her see the doctor and he can order home health at no cost through medicare. Whether Physical Therapy/Occupational Therapy I am sure she needs it if she is having trouble. They normally come out 3 times a week to start, also talk to her doctor about some home health care and if he will order it.....blame it on the doctor......"it is what he ordered for your benefit to keep you healthy, mobile and at your own home for as long as possible!"Good Luck!

I feel for you I care for someone that is 78...not able to make their own decisions...it is a burden to bear. The best advice I can come up with is start planning your free life,
you probably don't have too much longer and if she does go to a hospital that will surely be a start to the end...but you are not responsible for her bills and just let her
dig her own grave, wash your hands without guilt, that's what the medical professionals are trained to deal with.

You say your mother is in her right mind but her decisions are bad. This comes across as condescending. Are they bad decisions because you just don't agree? Like apples to oranges? Are these decisions putting herself in harm's way? If it's the latter, why not petition for guardianship? You will have to prove how her decision making ability is effecting her well-being. You will have control which sounds like what you really want but you will also have to prove how her money is being spent.

Are the decisions that will affect you in the future monetary? Don't mentally spend for things until the means to do so are tangible. You are only entitled to the coin you earn. She earned her money & can do as she pleases as a person that is in her right mind as you say.

For your well being, it is time to distance yourself. You are planning for something that hasn't happened. It may happen down the line & it may not. As of yet it hasn't. You are needlessly stressing yourself.

As far as the death wish goes, you got to admit that sounds really bad. I am not passing judgement. Please use caution to whom you may say that to in public. You could get reported to APS for making a statement like that.

Chantaway, you've hit the nail on the head here - feelings are just feelings and the sad fact is that all of us human beings, even the most saintly among us, have ugly feelings and well as nice ones. Just human. You are doing everything you can, but according to your description, your mom is competent and there may be very little chance of your good advice being taken. Don't beat yourself because you can't control things that in fact you cannot control. Not your fault, and not your fault that you wish this situation would end! Who would not! Take care of yourself - it will be the best thing all around.

I am so relieved to have found this page, living with this kind of guilt is awful. You begin to think of yourself as an evil person having such thoughts. My Mum is 92 and is living in sheltered housing for the elderly, with carers going in three times a day. This is a great help on the practical side of things, and as I am an only child and almost 70, I do appreciate this. It is the mental torture you go through when they become so difficult due to old age, and believe me, my Mum can be very difficult. Moans about everything, and I fall for it every time. I am probably struggling to hang on to the person she once was, so I challenge her in silly arguments, and after, of course, walk away feeling very guilty. My children get quite worried when they see me so stressed out, and they sometimes say things like they wish Nana could just die peacefully in her sleep. Then I panic, wondering what it will be like, with her not in my life, and how I am going to cope with the loss. My Mum was widowed in her forties, and I too lost my husband when I was just forty, so she played a bigger part in mine, and the kids lives, than most Mums. But, they say, if things carry on the way they are, there's a good chance that I could go first. She is very manipulative and knows exactly how to push my buttons. I actually only go to see her three times in the week. Take along her shopping and do some little chores. although she does phone me a lot too. She has had one of those mini strokes recently and been diagnosed with cardio-vascular disease, which means she is now very confused and gets so tongue tied, which frustrates both of us. She had broken her hip and shoulder almost 7years ago, and so only able to get around the house with a frame. This also frustrates her, as she was an active person, who had worked full time all of her days until retirement. I feel now I am begging to hog your page, but it was great to get all of this written down. Thanks for listening and thanks to Hadnuff for sharing. Ellie R.

Responsible 1 In my state no agency can place an elder in Assisted Living as it is mostly private pay and expensive! I don't know how that would work. APS could place a person in a nursing home for protection, but eventually application to Medicaid would be needed if he/she did not already have it.

This is very normal for you to feel this way. Take guilt out of the equation. Feelings are never right or wrong. They just are. Have you considered an assisted living situation for your mom? The criteria is if the person is a danger to themselves or others..it is time to go. Sometimes they are much happier after the initial adjustment. I always recommend a place that offers a step program where they also have full nursing care available for future needs so you never need to move her again. Moving is very stressful for everyone. If you don't want to do that full time care is a good option and also delegation of finances to someone other than your mom. I hope this helps. It is a hard situation. Older people can be scary. I know I work with them daily. :)

I was very reluctant to admit to a therapist that I could see no way out of an ever-worsening situation except through my mother's death, and that I was frankly longing for it. To my surprise she just mildly said, "Well, I think you're right. Her condition is going to keep going downhill. Her personality disorder is such that she is not likely to make some emotional turnaround and stop being abusive to everyone around her in particular those closet to her like you and your siblings. Plus the personality disorder is now compounded by age-related dementia and the sheer fear that she's experiencing. And it'll all really only end when she dies. And yes, that will be a relief. You will, in fact, be better off, in the most basic sense. So there's nothing wrong with what you're saying. You're just expressing reality."

Dizzie, please ask yourself what would happen if you died or became disabled? If you don't take care of you, you may become one of the 30% of caregivers who die before the people they're caring for do.

Stop enabling your mom. Stop explaining. "I'm sorry mom, but my doctor says I have to cut back on caregiving and stress or I'm going to have a stroke. We can figure out how to get your needs met together or you can hire a geriatric care manager to help you. Which would you like?" The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

It can be very stressful when we deal with aging relatives. Each of us have our own lives and our own stressors without adding more. While it's difficult, you need to let some things go, I know that's not easy. I am a caregiver too, so I understand how stressful it can be, especially when our loved one is 'stubborn' and set in their ways. Try not to worry about what 'could' happen and try to focus on the 'today', the here and now. So what if...what's the worst thing that could happen if your mom made this decision? Communication is the key, tell your mom that you are busy and don't have time for issues that come up after she makes certain decisions, that her decisions affect others. You don't have to be best buds, Talk to her about letting someone come into the home to assist her with bathing or house cleaning. Call your local Area Agency on Aging, they can give you info on several programs, including a caregiver support program. You mom could benefit from having someone come in to help out. If your brother is not receiving any type of help, he may benefit from some mental health case management/services including counseling. It could be your mom is afraid of aging and is in denial that she is getting older and physically declining. She may feel responsible for your brother's issues. If your brother is able, maybe you can help him set a schedule of tasks that need done weekly. this could ease the burden on you. You are not alone, there are many family caregivers that feel overwhelmed at times. I see many families that are not close, and that's ok, it knowing when to back off and when others can step in. Maybe your mom could benefit from some counseling too. An in home provider may be able to help take some of the burden. Take a step back, if your mom is capable of making her own decisions, then she should be capable of taking care of any issues that arise from those decisions.

It always surprises me how good the feedback is on this site no matter how complicated and difficult the question is. Thank you to everyone who follows this blog.

I have a situation similar to Hadnuff. I have been making my mother's life on her own possible for over ten years. She started to let go of her center after my brother was killed in an accident 12 years ago. She can't or won't do anything for herself and every month it gets harder. On top of that she is resentful and when I try to explain things to her she says, " Oh that's right, you know everything". I have no siblings now and she and I are stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of suffering. She refuses to go to assisted living and my husband and I are prisoners of her life. He is also caring for his father (97 years old) in ALF. It isn't fair and I find myself wishing she would move on to some peace.

BoodaGazelle raised an interesting question for me when she said you only have to do your duty to them and then live your life. How do we as caregivers know what our "duty" is. I am 66 years old and feel my good years are numbered.

Hadnuff, please don't feel guilty about your thoughts, that's all they are just thoughts. None of us are any different and none of our thoughts are 'magical'. What we think does not happen, if it did there would be no illnesses, death or wars. I do agree with the others in that you need to take care of yourself first. If that means separating yourself from Mom for awhile, so be it! Do something good for yourself, go on a date someplace nice, do something YOU enjoy, feed your soul! Mom is living her life, you need to live your first for you and in doing that you will be better able to help yourself and then her. Blessings to you! Lindaz

I'm with the person who suggested, write her doctor all her risks while living at home, and that you cannot care for her, and ask doctor to prescribe nursing home or AL placement. 100 years from now, you'll both be in Heaven and what will you both be feeling like for all Eternity? Money, is ttemporary. Your own life, what's left of it, is valuable and you need a chance to live a little. Your mom's already had her chance. At her age, the end is near, yes she still has life to live and deserves to have comfort--so why wait to check her into a facility, especially when there are funds available to pay it?

I saw my grandmother lose her memory, forgot her family, sat in a recliner all day with her hands folded in her lap, didn't talk anymore. I DO hope my mother doesn't live to 94, as gram did. If she needs a NH it will be a battle. (we are worried about her symptoms already.). Dementia started in about 2007, but at first I didn't recognize that her mind was going. I don't want mom to go away,
I want her to get better, not worse. Seeing a new dr. in a couple weeks, hoping there is more they can do. She doesn't know why she has to live in a retirement home, but isolates herself and her dog, doesn't socialize. Lonely life. Begs to get out of there. No place she can go but NH. I cannot bring her into my home!
She is too far gone for me to deal with that. I'm just following my instincts and trying to give her the care she can get without going into nursing home. She can't afford a decent one. So sad that she got in the financial shape when a few years ago she had $20,000. In savings. They Frittered it away trading cars and buying from Publishers Clearing House and other things I wasn't aware of to step in.
Just doing the best we can with financial help and hanging on to what she has left. God help us all with our battle with dementia/ALZ .

use my siblings don't help at all. I miss running around with my husband like we used to even if we had to take the kids. We have had hardly any time alone since we got married 24 years ago. From raising our own kids to raising grandkids. I feel like my life is passing me by. And then I think, "you asked for this." I would feel soooo guilty if I put her in a nursing home and she didn't get the best care. She is a sweet lady but is so unhappy on this earth because she is not able to do anything for herself anymore. So after all my venting, I think the same thing sometime but I feel guilty because I think that is selfish of me. I don't understand what my siblings are thinking not spending time with her and helping me when they see how stressful the situation is.

I AM REPEATING SHAMIR'S ANSWER!

YOU HAVE DONE YOUR BEST! GET YOURSELF "DISCONNECTED" AND HAVE YOURSELF NAMED "CONSERVATOR " BY LEGAL MEANS. PUT YOUR MOTHER IN THE CARE OF PROFESSIONALS AND "GET ON WITH (YOUR) LIFE.

SONNY
Shamir
Give a Hug
11 hrs ago


FROM SHAMIR....You may not like this answer but:
Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.

I know how you feel. I am the youngest of eight children. I am 54 years old. Three of my sibling live out of state but 4 of them live close. My mom is 97. It was my choice to take care of my mom. She's been with me, my husband and until recently 3 grandchildren (now just 1) for almost a year. When I took on this responsibility mom was fairly good shape and her daytime caregiver had to quit. She probably didn't need to be staying by herself at night anyway. I just didn't realize how confining and stressful it was going to get. Her mental and physical health has really declined in this time. You can't leave her unattended at all because she really can't walk by herself. She falls and has been very fortunate that she hasn't broke any bones but the last fall really messed up her back which was bad already. So I didn't get to see any of my grandkids activities since last summer. I really feel cheated beca

Our caregiver support group discussed this very issue a month ago. It is a very normal feeling, and we don't need to feel guilt. I like the suggestions.
Talking out any problems with others, and doing my best to care for myself helps a lot. Others, especially my husband, help to remind me when an issue is something over which I have no control, or in asking me, 'How important is it?'

If "she" your Mom has "too much money" have her primary ORDER IT; as she is 'housebound' and at risk. DO NOT offer to pay if she has the funds to do it. End of story. Who handles her bills? Does she pay them herself ? (my Mom is 92, and still does, but I have to supervise). No problem ! Let a paid provider handle it. All this disagreeing for help- but needing it - is a manipulator's way of setting you up for a guilt trip. She may not realize that that's what she's actually doing, but if she was 'cared for' then she'd have nothing to complain about. See? She evidently 'needs' something to complain about, or needs to feel needy, and unassisted. If problems were solved, there would be b=no reason for her to be UNHAPPY. (I deal with this connundrum daily.) Don't just call the primary doc: put it in writing, so you have a dated copy, and ask the doc to reply in writing what they suggest. CYA.