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My husband and mother in law bought a house together, 6 years ago (she couldn't afford her previous home on her own), that we all live in together. It's a ranch style home and she has the whole basement area (minus 1 bedroom for our son), which is the same Sq footage as the main level. Approximately 1,300sq feet. She gives us $300 a month towards bills but WE pay her phone and car insurance (not her separately), which equals to about $200/month total for both of those. She does pay for our internet which is about $65. Our main shared bills are the mortgage, electric, propane, phone and car insurance. She gets SSI and a small pension from late husband, she also babysits (at our house) for her great grandson, 3 days a week, so she gets paid for that too. So after we pay the phone and car insurance, we're technically left with $100 from her to put towards the mortgage, electric and propane. She has almost the same amount of space in the house as myself, my husband and our other 2 kids that have bedrooms on the main floor. She does buy her own toiletries and food as she has a kitchen of her own. She has no disabilities or any health issues. My husband feels she should pay more to help us out. Since Covid, my husband and I have been living paycheck to paycheck and we've had to cut out a lot of extracurriculars that we used to enjoy. Are we in the right to ask her for more money or no? Thank you.

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Calkeel88: Sit down to have a family meeting to discuss financial 'responsibilities.' Since she's co-owner of the home, she probably needs to contribute more.
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You should definitely sit down together as a family to discuss finances. Before you meet, create a chart of all the expenses and how much each person contributes. The talk should focus on what each person would like to see happen in this home: the quality of the relationships, the goals each person has the the future, and what encourages him/her about this home setting and what frustrates him/her about this home setting. Together brainstorm ideas to make it work better. She might volunteer to pay more.
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I don't know where you live but, I would be shopping for cheaper phone service and car insurance.

My dads came to a grand total of 105.00 monthly for a phone and truck insurance.

If you have young drivers using your vehicles, she could be getting dinged for your driver situation. Or does she have a very expensive car?

Do you have a family plan for phones? If not, this should be checked out.

I think it would be good for your entire household to do a budget and see where you all can be more mindful of how money is being spent and what cheaper options are available.

Honestly, not knowing how much of the down payment she made, what her actual income is and what the initial agreement was makes it hard to know if she is mooching or not.

Can you provide more information?
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You didn't say where her income comes from. If she gets SSI or any other government assistance in addition to what she gets from her late husband's finances, then, yes, I believe it's right to ask her to either start paying ALL HER OWN BILLS, or if u feel uncomfortable with that, ask her to work with you on a monthly plan, were you SPLIT the payments for her car and anything else your paying for.





Colleen
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2022
Colleen, yes she said it was SSI and a small pension.

I assume she means straight SS and not disability.
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It's just math, nothing personal. Work out the fractions or find a 1300 square foot rental and maybe charge her half of that figure. Try those numbers out and speak honestly. Good for you paying for her childcare services, most families take grandma for granted.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
I don't get the sense that the great-grandson is the OPs. Perhaps the parents should try to get moved in with whatever family this is as this appears to be the only house that Mom helps at.
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Short answer: She should be paying at least 30 percent of her gross income, i.e. SS, pension, plus pin money she receives from the babysitting, That is what Section 8 requires, and they certainly don't pay people's cell phone or car insurance.

If you can't afford to subsidize her now, consider selling the house and repaying her back what percentage of the house she originally paid into. Consider doing this even if you can subsidize her but really don't want to, too. The fact that she's on SSI only and not SS or SSDI means she's still technically young enough to work but has convinced the government that she can't. Yet here this person is taking money for lifting and companioning and toileting a young person rather than paying her own cell phone and car bills.

Get your care plan in the open. Whatever SSI issue she has will certainly get worse and be compounded eventually with many somethings else. Heart attack. Stroke. Dementia. The bad things in her personality (senior brat behavior, self-centeredness) will also only get worse and worse. Everything will, and if you don't want to be her caregiver at increasing acuity over the next 20-30 years, this is the time to consider when to cut your losses instead of assuming that she's ever going to fix herself, that things will get better.
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As others have suggested, an honest and forthright and kind discussion is in order. Its a great start if all involved are able to do that. Explain the situation and ask for her assistance in solving the problem. See if she has any other suggestions. Seems the easiest path would be to have her take on her car insurance and phone. Maybe do one first, probably the car insurance, and then the phone. Idk if she on some family plan so its cheaper but it would be less complicated if she just paid for them herself. Does she gift you money? Say $1000. at the holidays? Put that directly on the mortgage Principle.
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There are a few undisclosed facts here - for instance, when MIL sold her home was that money used for the down payment on the current home? Is she co-owner? Will this house eventually pass down to you and her son? Perhaps your MIL is thinking she's already being generous, perhaps she is totally unaware of the total expenses, who knows? Sometimes we conjure up problems in our heads that really aren't issues or don't need to become issues at all.
I like the solution of dividing the expenses by 6, to figure out her portion. I also realize that living in one house you want to keep relationships as stress free as possible, and you should. You don't mention any existing strife between you, so I am assuming you all get along really well. Well, here's another solution - be honest! Just have a sit-down with your MIL and admit you're having a tough time meeting all expenses and that it would be most appreciated if she would contribute more. Then give her the amount you think is fair and reasonable and have a dialogue - she may be more than willing to help!
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There are a few "fair" ways to figure this out. The easiest would be to divide ALL expenses, food, mortgage, insurance, gas, water everything that is an expense. Divide that by the number of people living in the house.
So if there are 6 people living in the house you divide by 6 and she pays 1/6 of all expenses. (if your son is an adult and working he should also be paying 1/6 of expenses) SHE should be paying her other expenses like phone, car, auto insurance. If she can not afford the car or auto insurance either increase the deductible on the car insurance so that reduces the cost. And if the car is an expense she can not afford trade it for a less expensive one.

The other way would be to check ads in your area for "rooms for rent" and compare what others are charging. You could check to see what a 1 bedroom apartment would rent for but it is not an exact comparison since she is sharing the space and probably does not have a full kitchen for herself and may even be sharing a bathroom. Moving your son out of the basement so MIL would the entire space would be a more equal comparison to an apartment.
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this forum is for caregiver support not only for those who have Alzheimer's and dementias.
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She’s in the basement !!! So I don’t think so… not only that she has to share basement with your son !!!
I don’t think this is forum for these
discussions… this community dealing with LO and dementia!!!!!
hope you can agree on solution
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Ballpark Mar 2022
It’s a forum for caregiver support that covers many areas. This question is in the multi-generational living section, not dementia.
I think anyone who has taken on caregiving in any capacity knows that it can touch every aspect of your life and that a little support can help greatly.
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All utilities, insurance (home, not car), property taxes, upkeep (lawn/snow), etc. should each be calculated out & divided by number of persons and her 1 share should be what she owes. I’d even figure in an average for her food. This would NOT be considered income for you, as she is just paying her portion of bills back to you rather than to each company. (No income tax will be charged to you for this amount.) Her car insurance, car payment, her health insurance & appointment costs, clothing, other care needs or personal items should all be paid by her. You could then put together a ‘care agreement’ so she could pay you if you help her out with Dr appt’s, cleaning her area, making her meals, etc. This would be income for you (taxed) and you could have a ‘rent’ amount based on what you might get if you rented to someone not family!
Care giving is admirable and thoughtful but should not be abused by the recipient, making you worse off financially for doing so. There are so many other areas you sacrifice by care giving so please try regulating things with her now so that going forward you have something to build on, rather than get deeper in the hole!
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So there is still a mortgage. They did not then, buy a home together. They at the best put down a down payment.
What portion of the down payment did MIL put down?
What portion of the down payment was yours?
What was the agreement on rental, mortgage payments, if any? Was that all on you?
Who is on the deed. If MIL is on the deed and she needs to move to care, the home is open to clawback by medicaid should she have needed it.
What discussions were done about a future when basement stairs are not OK, when MIL cannot drive?
This needs to all be worked out in family conference taking into consideration savings you all have, income you all have, bills you all have, what happens in future when care is needed and etc.
I would get together first with a financial consultant, then with an elder law attorney, and work things out by contract.
Best of luck. Not an easy question to be certain.
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geddyupgo Mar 2022
I agree with AlvaDeer (as usual, lol) in that there is some other info needed such as how much did MIL put into the down payment on the current house? If she put down the entire payment, she may feel that she has been generous and is now paying her "fair share. Whose names are on the deed?

Also agree that OP may wish to develop some viable options for the future. Are there stairs to the basement and is there an accessible entrance in case MIL (or any family member) should become unable to use stairs in the future? What happens to "expense" sharing when the family dynamics change (children leaving the home (or some cases returning with a significant other in tow)?
Lots to think about in this situation. Hope they can sit down and work it out.
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Well I don;t know her age, or her total income, or how much she contributed towards the new house. Or if the house is titled in both their names. She seems to be giving you 365 a month. If you add in her car insurance and phone that would increase the amount if she was paying those.( To 565) Why is she not? If her income could cover those it would help you out a bit more. You have 3 kids, making 5 of you total. Could you figure the total you are paying for rest, and divide it by 6.. That would seem a bit more fair to me, that she could pay 1/6 of the bills? Have you talked to her about needing a bit more, perhaps she would be willing.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
I agree. TOTAL income is what we should be looking at. Our OP has not the BASEMENT, but the house itself. It may be a very nice basement. Still. And the basement has ONE room devoted to another child.
I would say get together and look at total income and total bills for the household, and THEN decide.
The other way to do it is charge her rental. Get together with elder law attorney and draw up a contract for rental. Do know that the home then is a source of income reportable to the IRS.
If things are problematic now I can only think they are headed for more problems when Mom is not helping out and doing own appointments, but needs to be driven, perhaps cared for, and unable to negotiate the basement stairs.
There seems to be a need for them all to "discuss" all of this, and everyone's expectations.
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