My mom was born in 1921, she will be 102 in 2 weeks. I moved her to an independent living facility closer to me in 2008. During those 15 yrs she fractured her ribs, fractured a hip, had 2 bowel obstructions, UTI's and fractured a knee. Over the years her dementia has gotten worse. She has had a full time caregiver for the past 2 1/2 yrs. It became untenable for the caregiver to continue without assistance and extra staff, the cost of mom's care has become unsustainable, plus the caregivers are not medically trained. I never wanted to put her in a NH... I had run out of options.
Last Tuesday, I led her to believe that she was going to rehab to get stronger because the doctor said she needed it. She was stunned and confused but agreed. Now one week later she "doesn't belong there" "wants to go home" "I have a home these people live here", "I'm healthy" "doesn't have memory problems". I kind of yanked her out of her place because quite frankly there probably was no other way. We moved her lift chair and several personal items to make her room more homey. I have so many emotions, guilt, relief, anger, sadness. My sister lives out of town and is minimal help and my brother passed last year. I have POA and the NH is an excellent facility filled with kind and caring individuals.
I pray that mom will come to accept that this is where she needs to be and if she can't accept that then I pray that God will give me the strength to get through this horrible sad time.
Please read Gretchen Staebler's wonderful book Mother Lode.
She moved back to the PNW to care for her mid 90s mom with the intent it be for one year. Turned into five and at age 101 her own mom had to go into care. Meanwhile, five years of shattering caregiving, with humor sprinkled on as well. It's a great read and I would bet you identify all over the place. I just finished this book free through my kindle unlimited on Amazon, but am buying the hard copy now.
GretchenStaebler.com will bring you to Gretchen's website. She has a blog and newsletter.
Show yourself some kindness because you're going through a lot of emotions right now.
It's okay to feel relieved that you don't have to be a caregiver anymore. It's not wrong to now be able to take your own life back and start doing things that you want instead of caregiving.
Rest for a while though. You've earned it.
It’s hard, and it stinks, but as I have learned on this forum: Not everything can be fixed.
When read that, it was like a weight off of my shoulders.
We are so used to the thinking that if we just worked harder, or understood better, or did this, that, or some other thing, we can solve most issues.
Not so with failing, aging bodies.
You’re a senior yourself, I’m thinking. Time to give yourself a break, take the weight off your shoulders, visit your mom and know that you’ve done PLENTY ENOUGH.
Best wishes to you.
Transitional times are the worst for everyone. Once she is settled she will realize that you have done your very best to care for her in the best possible way.
Then you will be able to relax more as well. I am sure that you have peace of mind knowing that she is receiving care around the clock by a professional staff.
Wishing you peace as you continue to care for your mom.
Looking at this as a "horrible and sad" time is a matter of perspective. Your mother is quite fortunate, imo, to be living in "an excellent facility filled with kind and caring individuals." Not only that, she has you to visit and cheer her up. She should acclimate in time and start enjoying the people and the activities offered. My mother did well in Memory Care Assisted Living unless I came to visit. Only THEN was she miserable and acting out. She was quite lucky to have had the level of care and attention paid to her in the facility.
I would tell mom that I was simply incapable of caring for her myriad needs in my home. When she insisted there was "nothing wrong with her", I'd tell her that she was there under doctors orders and when she said mom was well enough to go home, THEN we'd discuss it. Till then, the subject was closed and don't shoot the messenger.
You've done the right thing by placing mom. Show up to see her with a smile and small gifts each time. She'll adjust, give it time.