Family member makes delusional comments that are hurtful. We know its the disease, but those targeted outside the family aren't as understanding. They don't want to hear "she has alzheimers."
I have figured out that dementia is not something that you just have to stand by and blindly accept the bad behavior. When my Mom made racial slurs in public, I corrected her immediately, but not loudly. If she continued, we left. (just as I did when my toddler had a temper tantrum in public)
Then when we were alone and she was a little more cognizant, I explained to her what happened and why we couldn't go there anymore.
As time went on, she connected the tone of my voice with, she needs to stop talking. When I saw that she was batter behaved, I could try the location and situation again.
For me, it is a constant trial and error and stay flexible with any plans I make.
There comes a time when the person with Alzheimer's/dementia cannot be taken out in public anymore.
The 'LO' should no be around people who aren't family anymore. If she is going to be around people outside of the family warn them in advance on what to expect from her.
Also, I agree with cwillie. If you do have to take her out in public like to a doctor's appointment or something and the "comments" start, correct her immediately and apologize to whoever she is making the comments about when able.
I had many care clients with dementia who would just say terrible things in general to no actual person in particular, but people hearing it would be shocked. I'd handle it in the moment by telling them that no one cares what they think and to keep their opinion to themselves. That usually worked in the moment. If not, I'd just make an announcement to anyone within earshot.
I once had to get up and announce to an entire doctor's office waiting room that the person making racial slurs and speaking offensively has dementia and is out of it and please ignore her. The client got rather angered by this, but she quited down because she was embarrassed. Sometimes this worked, sometimes not.
So this person makes hurtful comments to others and these people don't know her well enough to understand she has AZ? In what kind of a setting is this happening? Social events? If this dynamic is making life really hard for her or you, cut back on situations where she can make her comments. And too bad for these ignorant people that don't want to hear the reality of the situation of AZ. My mom's relatives don't believe she has it and I am DONE with them. She talks to the ones that still bother to call her cuz they only give shit to me, the coordinator of her care, etc. So frustrating. Good luck.
I agree with you on most parts, but not about the "too bad for these ignorant people who don't want to hear the reality of the situation AZ."
Why should people at say a restaurant or a store have to hear the reality of it? When the Alzheimer's is at a point where the person's comments are hurting and upsetting strangers' lives the only public places they should be seeing is the inside of a doctor's office or an adult day care center. Really.
Family is a different story, but strangers shouldn't have to tolerate it. Businesses shouldn't have to either.
I no longer dine at 'family style' restaurants. Know why? Because I've had too many experiences of families taking an elder with dementia. The elder is slopping their food all over the place or has to be fed (which is equally disgusting when you're trying to eat yourself), and if they're incontinent and crap themselves, well I'm sure you get a picture.
The other people eating are not being ignorant because this makes them sick and puts them off their food. It makes me sick and puts me off my food too and I was a caregiver for 25 years. The family still taking these poor people out in public are the ignorant ones.
Grandma1954 July 30, 2023 5:11 pm At some point one of two things will happen. 1)Friends and acquaintances will realize that it is the Alzheimer's and let slide the remarks made. (Or you just decide they are not worth associating with any longer) 2) You decide it is not worth the trouble to get you LO out to the store or to dinner and you begin spending more time at home and invite people over that do understand the "quirks" of a person with dementia.
Some people will tell you that you should go along with their delusions but I don't believe in forgiving and reinforcing hurtful behaviour. You can't stop it completely but you don't need to put up with it and stopping it in the moment is likely the best you can do - after expressing that you don't believe any such thing you'd tell them not to spread gossip and that if they don't have anything nice to say to say nothing.
Then when we were alone and she was a little more cognizant, I explained to her what happened and why we couldn't go there anymore.
As time went on, she connected the tone of my voice with, she needs to stop talking. When I saw that she was batter behaved, I could try the location and situation again.
For me, it is a constant trial and error and stay flexible with any plans I make.
There comes a time when the person with Alzheimer's/dementia cannot be taken out in public anymore.
The 'LO' should no be around people who aren't family anymore. If she is going to be around people outside of the family warn them in advance on what to expect from her.
Also, I agree with cwillie. If you do have to take her out in public like to a doctor's appointment or something and the "comments" start, correct her immediately and apologize to whoever she is making the comments about when able.
I had many care clients with dementia who would just say terrible things in general to no actual person in particular, but people hearing it would be shocked.
I'd handle it in the moment by telling them that no one cares what they think and to keep their opinion to themselves. That usually worked in the moment. If not, I'd just make an announcement to anyone within earshot.
I once had to get up and announce to an entire doctor's office waiting room that the person making racial slurs and speaking offensively has dementia and is out of it and please ignore her.
The client got rather angered by this, but she quited down because she was embarrassed. Sometimes this worked, sometimes not.
I agree with you on most parts, but not about the "too bad for these ignorant people who don't want to hear the reality of the situation AZ."
Why should people at say a restaurant or a store have to hear the reality of it?
When the Alzheimer's is at a point where the person's comments are hurting and upsetting strangers' lives the only public places they should be seeing is the inside of a doctor's office or an adult day care center. Really.
Family is a different story, but strangers shouldn't have to tolerate it. Businesses shouldn't have to either.
I no longer dine at 'family style' restaurants. Know why? Because I've had too many experiences of families taking an elder with dementia. The elder is slopping their food all over the place or has to be fed (which is equally disgusting when you're trying to eat yourself), and if they're incontinent and crap themselves, well I'm sure you get a picture.
The other people eating are not being ignorant because this makes them sick and puts them off their food. It makes me sick and puts me off my food too and I was a caregiver for 25 years.
The family still taking these poor people out in public are the ignorant ones.
At some point one of two things will happen.
1)Friends and acquaintances will realize that it is the Alzheimer's and let slide the remarks made.
(Or you just decide they are not worth associating with any longer)
2) You decide it is not worth the trouble to get you LO out to the store or to dinner and you begin spending more time at home and invite people over that do understand the "quirks" of a person with dementia.