Mom is in her 90s and lives alone with some daily assistance by visiting caregiver. Her eyesight, hearing, and decision making ability are declining more rapidly. My siblings fight over every minor aspect of care, let alone impending major decisions. I need a referee.
You know how it goes, everybody has their own opinions on things. When stories get told sometimes the facts get twisted.
The PoA has the responsibility of making decisions. The others will have to respect their decisions.
What is everyone arguing about? Is it something serious or petty stuff?
Problem solved.
POA rules. Everyone else stays silent, and on you all go.
There is no expert who will weigh in on the right or wrong of anyone. They negotiate compromise.
Were I the POA I would tell everyone THAT is ENOUGH.
People seldom agree.
It's a waste of valuable time, and the POA has enough on plate to not have to deal with everyone else's opinion.
Offer HELP. Not OPINIONS and offer advice only when it is ASKED for and only ONCE.
There weren't really conflicts among the sib--so he simply never exercised his power. ( He did speak to an attorney before assuming any duties).
IF his sibs gave him grief over being in charge, he would have zero problem stepping down and handing the mess over to one of them.
So far, it's 'working'.
I think the word "Power" in that phrase is wrong--I'd say more "Pain" or "Pitiful" b/c it's not fun nor powerful.
Most families will experience some measure of pushback from the sibs who are NOT in the know.
In my family, my YB exerted his POA powers long before mom ever needed them. It was annoying as heck, but the rest of us sibs just made sure he wasn't doing anything to hurt mom, and he wasn't, just being himself (super bossy).
In truth, his 'powers' were never actually needed.
IF you are not PoA, don't try to be. If mom hasn't appointed someone, then a chat with her is in order. Whether she's capable of making that decision now or not remains to be seen.
I don't see that having a referee would help. That would bring in one more voice. One that doesn't have a dog in the fight. It might work, but the family will not appreciate it, and they'd have to be on board with whomever you chose.
Find out who the POA is and if none are assigned then that is your first step. Once the POA is established they make the care decisions be it private, or a facility. If you are not part of the POA team then you can make a suggestion but the final decision is POA.
The only thing that matters here is who is in charge as POA because you have mentioned that your mother's decision making capacity is on the decline. It will soon be gone.
To my mind, you sisters need now to be deciding which ONE OF YOU will be in charge as POA when Mom is no longer safe in making her own decisions.
And I can tell you RIGHT NOW that the one in charge would NEVER FOR A SECOND BE ME. I would be bowing out. I would simply say "You two get together and decide which ONE of you wants to be in charge. Because I don't want to be, and I am sick of arguing.
Or, you consult as a group with a Geriatric Care Manager who will help work through the options pro's and con's.
If your Mom doesn't have an assigned PoA this is going to be the main problem going forward. She needs to be taken to a CELA (certified elder law attorney). At that appointment the attorney will take her aside privately to interview her and assess her for capacity (and this is a low bar, so don't let her current stage deter you from bringing her). In this same private interview the attorney will also assess that she is not being pressured to do anything against her will. Whoever takes her there will not be permitted to butt in with answers to her questions.
This is how it has gone when I've taken my 104-yr old Aunt to the attorney (in FL).
If no one is her PoA (and one cannot now be created) then the only other option is to pursue guardianship through the courts by either a family member or an appointed guardian (through the county). It is expensive to do it privately, and if the judge perceives family infighting, may assign a neutral 3rd party guardian.
Who is POA for Healthcare and Finance?
What does your mother want?
Is this truly siblings squabbling, or is mother agreeing with whomever she's talking with at the time?
Have you had a professional "needs assessment"?
What does her doctor say about what she needs?
For most of us, we get one or maybe two go-rounds of caregiving. We know nothing.
When my mom started to decline, I had no idea that there were facilities other than Assisted Living and Nursing Homes. (Had never heard of Independent Living or CCRCs). Didn't know about Geriatric Care Managers. Didn't know that UTIs caused bizarre psychiatric symptoms.
You and your siblings need to consult with the appropriate professionals -- social workers, doctors and Occupational Therapists, who can advise you all on what level of care mom needs.
Getting someone to "referee" will result in a bad plan with no coherence
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and see if the will arrange a needs assessment.