How do you deal with an ungrateful mother living in the same house? I am losing my mind. She is always there and I even work from home. Help!

Hey it’s Friday here! I would usually be happy but now I have someone waiting for me to finish work so she can stare at me. Some days I really question my decision to move my mother in with us. Yikes!

I’ve been where you are with my mom. I moved her in with me when she became disabled. And during the worst COVID year, I was stuck at home caregiving and working. She was grumpy, uncooperative, complaining, and hated when she couldn’t watch me. My office is upstairs which was inaccessible to her. Anyway, when she became further disabled, I put her in a nursing home. She was angry at first but 3 years later she’s doing fine.

You didn’t mention if your mom is disabled or has memory issues. Have you tried having a direct conversation with her about her mood and living situation? Is there someplace else she’d rather be (that can be realistically achieved)? Are you doing something she hates?

If the response is that she wants to return to your abusive father, take her back to him.

In the short term, look for an adult day care center convenient to you that can look after her while you work or maybe just on Saturdays to give yourself a break. Granted, there’s the language barrier, but so what. She’ll see new faces, she’ll have lunch and snacks and games.

Don’t underestimate the damage this is causing you. If my mom had stayed with me another few years, I probably would’ve had a stroke. Make it clear to mom that if she is miserable with you, you have to find another place for her before it kills you.

My friend had her mother move in after her divorce to help with the kids (dad had already passed away). Friend worked outside the home while mom cooked, cleaned and did laundry. They each had their own sphere.

Also, maybe your mom’s unhappy faces are more a reflection of her years of abuse, moving from her home country and feeling a loss of control. Us daughters tend to take things pretty personally (I do). I wish you the best as you work through this very difficult situation.

I don’t see that she has any social interaction. Could she just be incredibly lonely and bored? Like others have said, is there an appropriate group where she could sit and be around people who speak her language? Loneliness is just such a devastating experience, even when your kids do things for you, you know it’s because they have to and you can’t do it. That doesn’t make a person "happy", it's just existence.

Some people will hurt the ones that they are closest to before hurting someone else. You’re the one that she will take her frustration out on.

I hope that you will find a solution for this issue soon.

I guess I will start by asking you-- given that you KNEW and have always KNOWN your Mom--why you thought it would be a good idea to bring her into the sanctity of your home?
Truly, for me, for most of us--I think-- a home represents the single bastion in the world we can treasure and take TOTAL COMFORT in. And now that has been thrown away.

So why did you do this? What was your thinking at the time? I think your answer might help others.

Once that is answered I guess I will say that one of the single most difficult things we see on Forum is the outcome of someone taking an elder into their home. I have yet to see someone say it has worked for them. Perhaps some will answer here to tell me I am wrong?

Two choices really. #1. Live with it. Perhaps for decades on a long slow slide down. Or #2. The dreadful honesty of saying "This cannot work for me; I must ask you to leave. I will help you, but there is no other option". This latter choice works on the relationship, on the parent, and on the child just a horrific hardship in every single way there is. But for me it would be the only choice.

We see posts like yours almost daily. And there is simply no good answer to it. None that is painless, certainly. I always say these posts serve as a warning to others. But that is so little comfort in your own suffering. I am so very sorry. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will update us on your journey whatever your choices are.

Sounds like unless you want mom to go back to her home country you are stuck with mom living with you. She has language barriers that preclude her going to adult day care but maybe you can find a group in your area that connects seniors based on ethnicity that she can go to where people speak her language? I don't know just throwing out ideas on getting mom out of the house a few days a week. There's got to be something, right?

My parents always complained that my grandma wasn't happy enough or her emotions and responses weren't grateful enough, happy enough, or this and that when she lived with them. But grandma was just being grandma and my parents were just being themselves too. Had my parents accepted that they couldn't change grandma but could change their own expectations and reactions to grandma, life would have been better for them and her and grandma lived with us for 20 plus years. And my grandma was the same way with being more happy and smiling and sweet around strangers just like your mother.

If you are going to have your mother live with you until she gets sick and needs to go back to her home country for health care then you need to change your expectations about what your mother's reactions should be. Sure a smile or a thank you would make you happy and make you feel like your mom is happy but that's probably not going to happen.

I am sure you have tried talking to her about this and nothing has changed so the only thing you can do is have her move back to her home country or somehow try and accept that your mom may always have a permanent case of resting b--ch face when she is alone with you.

It sounds as though your mom is unhappy here.

Have you looked into having her go back to her country and living there?

The current plan sounds quite unsustainable.

How about you get a job to get out of the house and let her cook and clean.

Two women trying to be the alpha in a home never works.

Your mother could live another 20+ years are you up for the challenge?

This is a difficult situation for you. What's the long-range plan for her. Is it you? Does she have health insurance? Or is that going to be you?

What does your H think about it all?

Find an assisted living place for your mom. You need to live too.

It’s hard to share a home with others. Even if you have the best relationship, it’s still hard at times.

I don’t know what to say about it other than I am sorry that you are going through this.

I see that she finally left her abusive husband. She may be depressed but she isn’t able to discuss it with you.

Do you think she would see a therapist? Or perhaps be open to taking medication for depression?

She is adjusting to her new life. You are adjusting to having her under foot. It’s difficult for each of you. How long has she been in your home?

Is this new behavior for her or was she more cheerful in the past?

Best wishes to you and your mom.

You doin't say what her age is? Dementia involved? That has a lot to do with answers u get. Does Mom have money for her own place or an Assisted living. Why is she living with you.

Welcome, Only!

Is this YOUR house we're talking about?

If so, then why is your mother living there? Did you invite her to move in with you?

It doesn't sound like a good arrangement. Have you considered the alternatives?

Is there a reason that she can no longer live alone?