I've lost most of my family over a period of a few years, one after the other, including my parents, grandparents, my sister's only two children (which were very close to me) several aunts, uncles, my only two brothers, and even several friends.......my 52 year old brother just died a few months ago in the ICU and I was never even told by the hospital how he actually died. He had an alcohol problem, and all I do know is that he was conscious and aware in the ICU one minute, and then gone the next.
8 months prior to that, our mom passed away from cancer. I stayed home at her house with her so she could get hospice care, but at home rather than dying in a hospice unit, potentially surrounded by strangers (that's not to say that the hospice people are not complete angels, because they are) I couldn't have done it without their help and real compassion.
I did hold my mom's hand as she took her last breath that July early morning around 2 am, and feel like I did make it to the most important engagement of my life (to be there for my mom when she passed away, and not let her pass away alone) and I'm extremely thankful that I got to do that. However, life for me truly changes at that very moment, and has stayed the same ever since. I remember looking up at the sunny sky that morning after mom was taken out of the house, and even the sky looked different. The trees, the roads I've traveled for many years, all just looked different.
I've never felt so alone, and could never have imagined this is how life would be at the age of 47.
I still function like a normal person, but feel different inside, and it's kind of a numbing feeling, mixed with sadness and regret. Why am I writing all of this? Perhaps others have experienced similar situations, and hearing it from other people may help just knowing that, yes, you will feel different. You may always feel this way. You'll still be able to move on. But most importantly, I feel like I should tell my story in the hopes that someone out there that isn't making time for their loved ones will read my words, and understand that it could all change in an instant leaving you alone in this world, just wishing you had one last chance to tell your mom you love her, or take your dad out to that car show he used to enjoy going to in his younger years...............
Hugs to you and to all as well and Blessings.
The rest of the family struggles to maintain relationships in general and has no capacity to maintain relationships not in their immediate vicinity. I lost the 2 grandparents, mom, step dad, and oldest sister 2014-2019. Living away from my hometown I relied heavily on friends. Then the pandemic happened. I had 1 distant friend who met with me occasionally. I wasn't anyone's closest friend. Many of my closest friends were forced to choose who they would stay close to. Some turned me away and it was absolutely crushing.
I'm 30. I can be thankful considering that most people I meet in any remotely similar circumstances are barely getting by if they're not completely dependent on a family member. But I so badly want to form a peer relationship. Or even something close to it.
I'm trying to rebuild some semblance of a life. I've been trying so hard to work every avenue, being outgoing, reaching out to family, old friendships, new friendships, work relationships. I even went back to college to help. Maybe it's the pandemic, but despite unreasonably high effort in the past 3 years I've made 2 friends and ~3-5 good acquaintances.
When the pandemic started I saw this all coming. I was terrified and it went exactly as I expected if I'd put in no effort at all. If it continues as expected I'll be in a better place in 2025. I don't want to wait that long. It's so hard being purely self motivated for years on end
If I ever figure it out I'll be sure to check back in
The reality is, that even having one true friend in one's life is rare. So if you really have two - true - friends (not just kind-of friends), then that's wonderful. You'll eventually find friends to laugh with, have fun with. But a true friend who's there through thick and thin, that's rare and must be treasured - similarly, one must oneself be a true friend.
My Mum died 2 weeks ago. We had a dysfunctional relationship. She had MS and I cared for her in my young teens right up until she went into a care home in 2018. She became nasty in her last years and before that made some awful parenting decisions and I have basically always been the adult around my mum.
My aunty died in Dec 21 quickly from cancer, it was sort of unexpected. I expected her to live to be honest! That was the biggest loss for me. She was like my mum & was like a Nan to my kids. She also was the organiser of the family, the matriarch as they say.
Then there’s my Nan, she is the most beautiful soul to walk this planet. I’m so lucky to have her. She has terminal cancer ever since my grandad died in 2014. However, has far outlived her diagnosis. Thank god.
So now with my aunty gone, I look after her needs and make sure she has what she needs and run her to appointments.
It just hit me today that at 27 I am the adult to this family. Everyone else assumed I’d take the role as the new matriarch of this family, but I can’t fill the shoes of my aunty.
It’s lonely to think at 27 I have just one person left above me, my Nan. I try to make the most of the time we have left with her before she’s gone. Because when she is, there will be no one checking in on me & my husband.
Im just sad right now about this whole situation
It is difficult to realize you are all alone in the world. At 80 I am, as well. Those I love, other than my children, are now gone. I will say that each of them enriched my life and made me stronger. My partner is still here but 2 years older than me, and he and I recognize and speak about the fact that at any moment one of us is going to lose the other.
The only way I know to go on is to have things you love. For me it is reading, gardening, walking, and --ok I admit it--trash on TV. I am not particularly social, so not one to join a knitting club, a church group, etc. But those do exisit.
I think you might consider a grief support group or workshop and would suggest a few hours of counseling with a licensed social worker in private practice to think of a way to move forward with some interests to keep you busy. Perhaps a humanities class. A second language?
I would concentrate in so far as you are able on the love and lessons you had, on how they enriched you. And again, I am so sorry for your pain. Life is sure a mix of happiness and pain.
You might even take up posting on Aging Care. We have have lived a few years have learned a couple of things. We perhaps can help others?
Thanksgiving week so many places are looking for volunteers. The need will be tremendous this year as inflation, the high cost of groceries and gas prices have all all increased. Your presence in he serving line may be the only kindness someone receives that day!
Ireland
God bless you because you have been through a lot these past few years. My daddy passed in 2020, my mom in 2022 and still am caring for my husband's 94 year old aunt with end stage dementia.
Then I had a sudden lost of my sweet puppy of 13 years completely unexpected.
The trauma and stress of caring for my parents contributed to my stroke and heart surgery. During the time my dad was in his end months my sister ( only sibling involved)had severe covid (2019)and was on a ventilator for weeks. Her long haulers symptoms after effects has changed her permanently and we are now estranged. She became so toxic, angry and abusive to me.
I need to recover and take care of me!
Yes, it's lonely for sure and makes me wonder about the future. I have a great husband but his health is declining.
All I can say is pray and take one day at a time. That is all we have. Try to sit outside each day and go for walks. Can you reconnect with old friends? I started some peaceful crafts and gardening. The goal each day is peace. Be grateful for your life!
You could do a DNA analysis on 23andme.
They send a list of relatives. I have over 5,000 in mine. I reconnected with a cousin that I hung out with as a kid. His mom and dad were my godparents.
He lives in California now but planning to visit for French Quarter fest and we are going to reconnect with each other.
Yes, life does change as we know it. Oftentimes things remain the same for many years and then when the changes happen and you look around you see the everyday relatives you would call on the phone or go to their homes for the holidays are either deceased, moved out of State, divorce/remarried, etc.
The next generation, at least in my family, is not living like my generation--Sunday dinner, visiting, no sports on a Sunday, Blue Laws everything was closed.
Pastor Rick Warren said something so profound--he has YouTube Videos...he said exactly this, when the kids are out of the house, spread all across the country, spouse if you have one has passed, loved one's went to be with the Lord, "your Church family is there for you". This gave me such peace and consolation. While I have a large family everyone is all over the country. I am unable to travel due to mother's sickness.
You are not alone in this. You can make a family in your apartment building, on your street, at the Y, etc. You don't have to go to India to help people. There are people right under your nose.
My coffee pot and ham and cheese quiche are a big hit when I know it's time to have company. I keep it simple. 2 hours on a Sunday morning every 6 weeks or so. This really adds to everyone's life. One lady divorced, another recently widowed, one single and one with Dementia.
At different stages of your life the people are no longer there because of the life cycle. People do not die in birth order. But, there is always someone in need.
There are a lot of little one's in my next generation but I miss my dad and my Uncle who made everyone laugh at family weddings when he imitated Tony Orlando. You take the good memories with you and create some new one's.
I know it's hard but my grandmother had a saying, "you can't go back in life".
I'm glad you thought you could share this with all of us. This does happens but you are not alone...
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Nearly the identical situation with my mom. Only child, never married, father passed in 2010. Mom was in decent enough health until diabetes took a toll. She had controlled it for years but at 81 it started causing more issues, a toe amputation, a wheelchair which took her mobility (she had bad knees too) so while the wheelchair wasn't meant for long term, just for her foot to heal, she felt safe in it and stayed in it. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (mild) about a year before that. So with the toe amputation, her bad knees and residual weakness from the heart issue, I lost her quickly. All in just a few months. I have a couple of decent friends where I live now and a few good friends in Denver- where we had lived most of our lives. A few of my mom's relatives in Missouri have been very good at talking me through this and being genuinely caring. I am thinking about moving out there to be closer to them. Thats a huge life change for me, but probably necessary. Don't give up, it WILL get better. You will adapt. I am, but it's a slow process. Been nearly a year for me and I'm in the EXACT same boat as you. My mom was my world. Well meaning friends have said, 'You should've moved out and built your own life'. My response to them-
I could've moved out and done that- but what happens if my husband were to pass away or if I had had kids or one kid, what if they had passed away too? I'm alone again. Then are people going to tell me that I still should've built my own life?? What will people say then?
People are silly and don't think things through they say. Nothing wrong with a parent or sibling being a huge and best part of your life.
You will move forward and learn to live again.
Living with and loving a dear parent for decades, when they pass it's like being widowed.
It will take longer to heal. Live each day and don't be hard on yourself. It's contrite, but your mom would not want you living that way. Life is not a prison sentence. This is rough road in your life, but it will smooth out again. You will see. Go to a therapist or a group. If you are a church person, griefshare.org has free grief groups in your local area that may help.
I also have very little family left and I feel like an adult orphan. Life still goes on I still have my beautiful wife of 35 years but most of her family has passed as well.
If something happens to my wife that would be the end of me she is the strongest person I know and I would be lost without her.
I’m turning 60 this year and life has gone by in a flash. All I care about is leaving something behind for my children and grandchildren so that is the only thing that keeps me going.
God Bless and take it a day at a time
Tom M. Florida
but it’s a struggle and it may not get easier for while, mines been 16 months and today was my worst day! ? Strange I know. But true.
just take day at a time.
Please take care of yourself and hydrate. Grief and dehydration go hand in hand.
I've taken a couple of days off from work this week because my emotions are raw right now. I don't feel like dealing with clients, and needed time to mourn the deaths of my brother and uncle. However, the sadness is for my entire family and all of our losses.
I've also lost my three sisters and mom in a short span of nine years. It's rather daunting knowing that they aren't here to communicate with them anymore.
We can only truly grieve because we love - that love is carried on beyond the grave