My mother is going on 97, blind and has a broken arm. Shes going absolutely bonkers because carers are coming in to help as she needs 24 hour care. She expects me & my sister to provide all her care as she did for her mother. Her mother died aged 76 and she was just 44. I am 66 and not in the best of health. I have asthma and hypertension. Any advice is most welcome.
My uncle's mother lived to be 101 -- and lived 3/4 of the way across the country from her children. My uncle and his sister and their spouses alternated every six weeks to go out to her house for a week or so to take care of things she needed done around the house. (She had no health issues to speak of, and was an absolute pistol.)
When she was 98 or so, she wanted my uncle to clean the leaves out of her gutter in preparation for the winter. My uncle flat-out refused to climb up on a ladder to her roof, and when she asked why, he said, "BECAUSE I'M 80!"
Sometimes our parents don't quite see us as adults and I REALLY don't think they ever can imagine us as seniors, while they're seniors. Their parents didn't live long enough for both parent and child to hit senior citizen status.
It's perfectly fair for you to point out to your mother (repeatedly if need be) that you are not of caregiving age and health yourself and are doing what you are capable of doing. I cared for my parents in their home 24/7 for exactly two months when I was 55, and I can tell you with certainty that I would not have been able to do that at 65. I'm 60 now, and I know I couldn't do it today.
"BECAUSE I'M 80!" 🤣🤣🤣
As you pointed out, even IF you wanted to replicate the care role down a generation - vastly differently situations/needs/ages.
Where I work there are people from many cultures & backgrounds. Many 20-somethings will say "we don't understand this Aged Care Living. FAMILY looks after our old folk in our culture. My Mother did, her Mother did.." & so on. They had BIG families, many women to do the caregivong (men? oh no.. never) & all lived CLOSE by. Oh & the woman didn't work outside the home.
OK. But in our modern life now (no judgement on what works better) families are much SMALLER, they are FAR flung, sometimes spread around the globe. Many women work, from full satisfying careers to a part-time job just to pay the bills.
So I ask what about them?
Could they move in their elderly Mother, their Grandparents, evey unmarried Aunt & cousin, heck, maybe their husband's relatives too?
Nnnooo. They studied hard, paid a fortune for university & have a career in a new city.
So then the conversation moves from 'I couldn't put my elder in a care home' to 'I wouldn't want to - but I would HAVE to'. I have to work. "I just couldn't do the hands-on care myself"
Nippin, is this where you are?
Or of not, if you are guilt free - is it more about convincing Mother? Coz, you know.. expectations a 97yr old lady will get all that.. well it DOES happen. But not always.
If all of this is new (Having the caregivers in) she might need some anxiety meds.
My mom called myself and my siblings “kids”. I would remind her that when one lived to be as old as she was, her kids were old too. I told her she had grandkids in worse shape than she was. (slight exaggeration 🤥)
Let the caregivers do their jobs. Keep tabs on them. Know that all is going well and let the comments come and go. Be sure to have real visits from time to time. A shared meal or a phone call you make with her to a relative or friend. Don’t engage in conversation that is negative or upsetting to you. Just leave if she persists. Have her tell you something positive before complaining. It might be hard for her to do but will give her something to think about before your next visit.
So good that you have a sister to share with and if you are new to caregiving it seems your mom has taken good care of herself. Come here to vent. We care. Hugs