My mother passed away 3 weeks ago. My parents depended on each other a lot, and my father (82) is grieving very hard. (He has also suffered from depression for most of his adult life but is unwilling to engage with treatment.) His grief has made him extremely depressed, with constant negative talk, and regular discussion that he "doesn't want to be." Today, he said he was suicidal but with no plans for suicide. He is currently staying with my sister--and she also stayed with him during the last month of my mother's illness--but she feels she is at a breaking point. (She lives 6 hours away, so once he returns home, she won't be able to help so much.) I feel I am at a breaking point, too, and I am not even with him! I live an hour from his home and have a job and small children; I anticipate being able to visit him once a week or so. I have been talking to him about seeing a grief counselor; he initially seemed open to it, but today he said he didn't think he wanted to do it. I called the national suicide prevention line and they gave me some immediate advice; but I am feeling utterly lost and defeated about how we can move forward. Any advice welcome.
I'm not trying to prolong his life indefinitely, but I would also like to help him move through some of his pain if possible (and to help the rest of us too.) And I am also working on my own grief. (I've been seeing a therapist, journaling, and doing meditation. I am all in on grief strategies :) )
Following up on your suggestions: There is a local grief support group for seniors who have lost a partner in his home town; I'm going to share that with him. I have shared a few articles with grief with him, and he did read them; I'm going to look into book options too. And I would love for him to try an anti-depressant. If I can have the doctor bring it up with him, I will definitely do that.
This is a tough time to lose someone compounded with it being after the Holidays. no wonder he is having a very tough time.
And grief is so very different for each person. Thankfully there are support groups like Grief Share, to help loved ones move on after someone dies, and lots of very helpful books as well.
I personally like the book that MJ1929 mentioned called Healing After Loss, as it deals with grief just one day at a time. And for me that has made my own grief easier to bear.
Also it's not uncommon when one spouse dies that the other dies shortly thereafter, especially if they'd been married a long time. I've seen that over and over in my life, and I actually find it kind of sweet, as the spouse remaining just doesn't want to go on without the love of his or her life.
So I guess just don't be too surprised if your dad decides that he's had enough and just wants to be with his wife.
Praying God's blessing over you and your family.
And give him a chance three weeks is nothing. It will take time, he needs support from those that love him and he needs to learn to talk about it by talking with others.
Your spouse and children must come first. Visiting once a week is more than reasonable with your other responsibilities.
Do you think he can safely live alone? Either way, he could probably benefit from some in-home help. Someone to cook and clean for him. Drive him places, etc. Help him with his meds. Does he have a lot of friends and things to do at home? If not, you might want to get him into an assisted living facility.
I can't offer a great deal of suggestions except this -- There's a book called Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. It's a little book of short essays, and you read just one a day. There is a year's worth of essays in there, and you only read a single page a day (and the book is pocket-sized, so the pages are small, too). It isn't too much to absorb, because when consumed by grief, it's very hard to concentrate on anything you read.
I have a feeling Dad wants to be alone with his grief at this point, and it's certainly understandable because it's still very fresh. Maybe a few months from now he'd be willing to join a grief group or see a counselor, but I wouldn't push it yet. No doubt he was with your mom for a good 50 years, so it isn't something he's going to get over quickly. He literally lost half of himself.