Follow
Share

Mom recently had unexpected brain surgery to relieve pressure from a bleed. She is now in rehab. While the therapists say she's doing well, when I come and visit she is mean and says hurtful things to me. She calls me at least 5 times a day saying she wants to go home and blames me for things that aren't true. When I call the facility, they have nothing but wonderful things to say about her. One Dr. Said it's just "repressed emotions that she's expressing to me". She is not of her right mind and rationalization is not working. I understand that, but I need coping skills on how to talk to her.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You put this question in the Alzheimers/dementia category but say your mom had brain surgery due to a bleed. Is she suffering from dementia in addition to this surgery? If so, you can't 'rationalize' or try to use 'common sense' with an elder suffering from dementia. When she's hurling accusations and nasty words at you, try to distract her onto an old memory you share of good times together. A person with short term memory issues can only focus on ONE thing at a time, so that's why distraction works so well with them; they can't focus on being angry when they're redirected to a different subject! Don't argue with her when she's blaming you for things that aren't true; they are HER truth as SHE sees them, thru the lens of her dementia. She is functioning in a different time period, so her reality is different than yours. Again, distraction is your best bet, leading her off the subject of what you did 'wrong' and onto something else more pleasant. Use a soft and soothing/gentle tone of voice reassuring her that everything is ok and she'll be going home soon. Use clear & simple sentences & speak slowly. They pick up on OUR feelings and body language (when visiting in person) so how WE act, THEY react to. She's in a heightened state of fluctuating emotions now, so all you can really do is be kind and gentle with her, and end the call or the visit if/when things go too far south.

I know how difficult all of this is; I have a 95 y/o mother with advanced dementia to deal with and my attitude is not always stellar. When she was in the stage where she was calling and being nasty on the phone, I'd let a lot of the calls go to voice mail b/c I knew she was in good hands at the Memory Care where she lives. It's hard for US, too, so be kind to yourself while going through this with your mom.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Welcome, MissK!

It sounds like your mom has a brain injury--which can cause loss of filtering, mood instability, agitation and the like.

It may be that she perceives you as a "safe" person to insult. I know that doesn't help how she makes YOU feel, but it seems that most folks with cognitive issues are meanest to the ones their closest to.

Your mom is safe and cared for in the rehab. To protect yourself, limit your visits and take one phone call a day.

When she starts getting nasty, say "I need to go now; I'll come back when you're feeling better". This should be said without rancor or bitterness; her behavior doesn't seem to be under her control right now.

If this doesn't improve with time/healing, consult with a geriatric psychiatrist. Meds may help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter