We decided my husband should stop driving after "I" had an accident. Before the accident, I felt he would have done fine but I decided to drive. I was turning left when the light had just turned red when someone flew through the red light and hit us. My husband has Parkinson's and at that time high stress would bring on "extra movements" like Michael J. Fox often has. Had he been the driver with that same scenario, there was no way I could have convinced anyone that he was very capable to drive prior to the accident. That opened our eyes that if that ever happened when he was driving, a law suit could be built around his Parkinson's. So he willingly stopped driving but kept his license until it expired then got the State issued ID that looks like a drivers license.
Unfortunately, an acquaintance with Parkinson's was not as fortunate. I had not seen him a quite some time so I have no idea if I would have judged him still capable or not. From what I heard, he over-corrected a swerve or something like that and ended up in a head-on collision and someone was killed. My heart still hurts deeply for him and his whole family at what they must be still dealing with legally, financially and emotionally.
In our state a doctor can report someone to the DMV which would require a driving test through a program offered through many hospitals. It is my understanding the test is done on a simulator and only if a person passes that are they taken on the road. In some cases if the person still passes they are given instructions how to drive more safely... avoid rush hour, avoid after dark, avoid left turns when possible, etc.
I agree with everyone's suggestions of ways to step in and assure your mom's safety as well as everyone else. I am only 72, consider myself a safe driver, but have already begun taking precautions on my own. In parking lots I try to find a spot I can drive through to avoid backing up. I avoid the interstate when possible. I take the AARP driving course when needed to review the basics and keep getting the insurance discount. I totally realize though that like my accident before, I could still get charged even when not at fault and the older I get I am sure someone would be quick to use my age against me.
My late mother's doctors sent in a DMV report that she may have suffered a lapse of conscieness after a fall at home due to her heart condition. Mom was very angry and insisted her doctors were wrong. My family was correct. This struggle for her independence went on for about 5 years of age 88 until 93. Fortunately, no accident happened. I just kept her car unavailable to her until she finally sold it!
We had a similar situation when my Mom was 95. After totaling her rental car, the rental company gave her another vehicle the same day. We were livid. She stopped driving after a stroke 6 months later. I would reach out to the police, explaining the concern. They have the authority to take the license away. Make sure she has a complete medical exam. Thank goodness no one was hurt.
Since she had an accident she caused can other agencies get involved to take her license away ? If the vehicle needs repair can you delay returning it to her....My MIL is 97 and still keeps her car ....she seems to have decided in her own not to drive but lends it to a neighbor ...which is also concerning.
I doubt there are many 95 year olds that are safe on the road. Since you obviously know your mom is no longer safe, you have to do the difficult job of ending her days behind the wheel. I assume her driving could be very limited already so hopefully it won't make a huge difference.
There are a number of passive ways to do this without having to have a big conversation and confrontation about it.
Make her keys disappear. Disable something in the care. Take the car in for service and then it just never comes back because a part is on back order etc.
I am going through this with my 79yo mom too. She hasn't had any accidents YET but has untreated severe sleep apnea (tired all the time) and early dementia so driving is just a horrible idea. We have an appt with the doc in charge of explaining her diagnosis and MRI results at the end of this month and driving is on the agenda. It's over for her and she is not going to like it but it's necessary. We had already pulled her ability to drive 2 hours to my sister's house. Then bad weather in January/February kept her off the road and I've passively parlayed that to now and am just keeping it going until the doc makes it official.
I hope you have a doctor that can do that ....in our case the doctor suggested she voluntarily go in for a driving test ....her license expired in two more years...the doctor wouldn’t help in a diagnosis of dementia either .
Is she in denial about her driving abilities? Have you discussed with her that it's time to stop driving, and presented some alternatives for her to get around? Would she be able to call or use a smart phone for car service or are there other ways for seniors to get around in her area? If needed, contact a local social worker to find out what her area offers for senior transportation. Giving up driving and the car is a great loss of independence for some people; you have to give her some alternatives if you want her to be on board with it.
Call the DMV. Ask them to require a driver test on the road. Pretty scary to have 95 yr olds on the road..My mom had enough insight to stop driving at 85. She bumped her car up and was afraid she would kill a child..or maybe just say no! Sadly oldsters become like teens.
Me? I would make the car keys disappear, or disable the car entirely. There are other approaches to use however, here is one where dementia/Alzheimer's is an issue with driving:
DRIVING The issue of driving is extremely difficult. Sometimes during testing, a physician will find that the person's spatial skills are such that they need to cease driving immediately. Other times, the family may want to curtail the person from driving because when they sit in the passenger seat while the person with dementia is doing the driving, they find their driving unsafe. One method of gradually ceasing the driving has been found to work well. A lady asked her husband once a week or so if it could be her turn to drive (her license renewal was coming up). She gradually increased the frequency of asking for her turn until she was doing the driving 80% of the time. Then she started to automatically head for the driver's side of the car whenever they walked toward the car, without saying anything. After about six to eight weeks, her husband always went to the passenger side and never again expected to be the driver. This non-confrontational approach is positive, but not always possible.
Whatever method you use to get mom to stop driving, best of luck.
A very similar incident happened to my mom when she insisted on driving at age 91. Some wheel damage required the car to be towed and policeman present made a report. We used these circumstances to convince our mother her car was too damaged for repair. She argued with us that she wanted to get a leased car just like her brother had. We countered that the police report required that she would have to retake the entire written and physical driver test. That was probably a lie but we were desperate to stop her from driving and lie worked for us. So lie if you have to about taking the driver test in my opinion.
Also, her doctor had told her to stop driving at age 88 after she suffered a TIA. She fought everyone and would not listen to any reasons.
Simply ask yourself, and your mom, this really difficult question.
"Imagine you had an accident and injured or killed another person, is that worth driving yourself?"
You have to live with that fact, after the fact, no matter how long you live, it's the same as driving drunk. If it happens to her, are you going to be able to live with the fact that you let her go long after you knew she shouldn't.
This is what I told myself every time I had the stand-off argument in the driveway with my husband. I didn't take his keys, I just stood in front of the driver's door and said NO. He eventually gave it up, which was good because I had already replaced all car keys with blanks, so he never had to give them up. Still carries the useless keys in his pocket so he can "go home" anytime he wants. He also has an identity license that looks exactly like his drivers license. Whatever state you are in may have the same thing available.
Good luck and good for you for even starting the conversation. You can do this! ((((hugs))))
Thank you for such a great idea! I had never considered using blank keys for someone who shouldn't drive. I will definitely share with my support group. Many men, especially, hate not having keys in the pocket so this is a great solution and saves dignity when they can fiddle with them in their hands! One question... could a blank key get stuck in a lock and create a problem?
With people living much longer and Dementia in the mix, all States should have laws concerning the ability for someone to drive. Doctors should be mandated to at least contact DMV for any reason why they think a person should not drive. This goes if a patients family feels a LO should give up the keys. The article mentions epilepsy but there are other health conditions where someone should not be driving. And when DMV is contacted, they get the person in and test them. If they don't respond the licence is revoked.
In our case, driving was just starting to be an issue in and of itself (needlessly hard braking/accelerating, scratches appearing on the car which were "never" her fault and she had no idea where they came from, slight weaving, one accident that she didn't get faulted for... but we suspect she may have truly been responsible, etc). BUT, what stopped her from driving was her other medical problems. I never had to disable or move the car from her sight because she lacked the ability to even get TO the car - let alone get in and get it started without falling. All the while asking if she can "try" to drive. Try?? Without us even asking, her doctor told her no more driving - ever. I don't know that doc ever told the BMV because it was so very obvious that the lady could/should not drive anymore. She blamed us and said we told doc to say that and revoke her driving. We let her license expire and sold her car. This worked because she did NOT have the ability to truly try to override us. Like, she could not physically go to the BMV and try to get her license back. Even if she managed to get there, she was very obviously too unwell to fake it (but some elders DO accomplish the fake and do maintain a license.) Anyway, I'd been worried about her driving for a LONG time but never truly had to take her keys away (as my parents had to do with my grandma years ago) because her other physical ailments took care of the driving problem for me. If you suspect that her car accident she caused was not just an accident and you suspect it was age-related, please take action as suggested in the other answers posted. In my area, I can think of several cases of elderly drivers going right through store fronts because they got confused. There was also a case where an elderly driver drove right into a family's yard and killed a child during a picnic. My insurance company told me most accidents are caused by new drivers or "old" drivers - for an entirely different set of reasons.
This is us. FIL can't physically GET into the car and TO the DMV without assistance and no one will assist him unless WE are the ones driving the car. Deep down he KNOWS he can't drive any longer - although when he is upset he will yell that he will just drive himself - he never makes good on the threat because he KNOWS he can't do it literally - he is physically incapable - it's an empty threat. I will admit that there are days that I have moments of panic. But the keys are hidden where he physically can't get to them. He is taken where he needs to go.
His doctor has told him that he is legally blind and that it has been reported. I don't think it actually has been because he has never received anything from the DMV stating that he can no longer drive. His driver's license expires next year and we don't intend to take him to renew it, he won't pass the required eye exam anyway and he could not get anywhere close to the table to take the exam in the first place (not to mention the absolute hellacious logistics of GETTING him and TRACTOR size scooter into and around the DMV, waiting the exorbitant wait times with an impatient narcissist who will be trying to find a new supply to complain to among the other people waiting and will surely try to flirt with the DMV Officer if they are female or ask them inappropriate questions regardless of gender). He will yell and have a tantrum if he realizes it has expired but that's fine - There is NO reason he needs a license to operate a vehicle. He CANNOT operate one. He cannot get into passenger seat without assistance, there is no way he could even get behind the wheel and get the seat set up and get the other safety features adjusted much less back the vehicle up and drive it safely. He is legally blind now with no ability to correct. He cannot hear and will not wear his hearing aids. His tremors are so bad that he cannot eat without weighted utensils. He cannot get his legs into the car without us lifting them in and out and cannot always make his feet or knees work on command. And he either cannot or will not move his arms above his elbows (think kind of like a t-rex). So yeah...no....in a regular vehicle that is not mobility enabled - which is what he has - driving of any kind is dangerous for him, any passenger that would be foolish enough to ride with him, and anyone on the road. He also basically LAYS down in the car to drive or ride so he's better off in the passenger seat if he's going to do that. And with his vision there have been enough instances where he has scared the driver half to death recently that if he had been driving it would have been catastrophic.
So even with him being considered cognitively sound by his doctor and competent to make his own choices regardless of how ill advised - we are certainly not above whatever therapeutic lies/fibs are necessary to keep him from behind the wheel of a car.
In all fairness, if this is her first accident, or still her “fault” but relatively harmless, it really is hard to impose your standards of safety on her.
On the other hand, if you’ve seen additional clues that she’s slipping and especially if she’s unwilling to consider having her skills assessed, you better prepare to go through the process of dealing with her doctor to see where she stands in other ADL skills.
Unfortunately, an acquaintance with Parkinson's was not as fortunate. I had not seen him a quite some time so I have no idea if I would have judged him still capable or not. From what I heard, he over-corrected a swerve or something like that and ended up in a head-on collision and someone was killed. My heart still hurts deeply for him and his whole family at what they must be still dealing with legally, financially and emotionally.
In our state a doctor can report someone to the DMV which would require a driving test through a program offered through many hospitals. It is my understanding the test is done on a simulator and only if a person passes that are they taken on the road. In some cases if the person still passes they are given instructions how to drive more safely... avoid rush hour, avoid after dark, avoid left turns when possible, etc.
I agree with everyone's suggestions of ways to step in and assure your mom's safety as well as everyone else. I am only 72, consider myself a safe driver, but have already begun taking precautions on my own. In parking lots I try to find a spot I can drive through to avoid backing up. I avoid the interstate when possible. I take the AARP driving course when needed to review the basics and keep getting the insurance discount. I totally realize though that like my accident before, I could still get charged even when not at fault and the older I get I am sure someone would be quick to use my age against me.
After totaling her rental car, the rental company gave her another vehicle the same day. We were livid. She stopped driving after a stroke 6 months later.
I would reach out to the police, explaining the concern. They have the authority to take the license away. Make sure she has a complete medical exam.
Thank goodness no one was hurt.
There are a number of passive ways to do this without having to have a big conversation and confrontation about it.
Make her keys disappear. Disable something in the care. Take the car in for service and then it just never comes back because a part is on back order etc.
I am going through this with my 79yo mom too. She hasn't had any accidents YET but has untreated severe sleep apnea (tired all the time) and early dementia so driving is just a horrible idea. We have an appt with the doc in charge of explaining her diagnosis and MRI results at the end of this month and driving is on the agenda. It's over for her and she is not going to like it but it's necessary. We had already pulled her ability to drive 2 hours to my sister's house. Then bad weather in January/February kept her off the road and I've passively parlayed that to now and am just keeping it going until the doc makes it official.
DRIVING
The issue of driving is extremely difficult. Sometimes during testing, a physician will find that the person's spatial skills are such that they need to cease driving immediately. Other times, the family may want to curtail the person from driving because when they sit in the passenger seat while the person with dementia is doing the driving, they find their driving unsafe. One method of gradually ceasing the driving has been found to work well. A lady asked her husband once a week or so if it could be her turn to drive (her license renewal was coming up). She gradually increased the frequency of asking for her turn until she was doing the driving 80% of the time. Then she started to automatically head for the driver's side of the car whenever they walked toward the car, without saying anything. After about six to eight weeks, her husband always went to the passenger side and never again expected to be the driver. This non-confrontational approach is positive, but not always possible.
Whatever method you use to get mom to stop driving, best of luck.
Also, her doctor had told her to stop driving at age 88 after she suffered a TIA. She fought everyone and would not listen to any reasons.
"Imagine you had an accident and injured or killed another person, is that worth driving yourself?"
You have to live with that fact, after the fact, no matter how long you live, it's the same as driving drunk. If it happens to her, are you going to be able to live with the fact that you let her go long after you knew she shouldn't.
This is what I told myself every time I had the stand-off argument in the driveway with my husband. I didn't take his keys, I just stood in front of the driver's door and said NO. He eventually gave it up, which was good because I had already replaced all car keys with blanks, so he never had to give them up. Still carries the useless keys in his pocket so he can "go home" anytime he wants. He also has an identity license that looks exactly like his drivers license. Whatever state you are in may have the same thing available.
Good luck and good for you for even starting the conversation. You can do this!
((((hugs))))
https://www.nj.com/traffic/2016/05/how_does_the_state_take_away_an_older_drivers_license.html#:~:text=Q%3A%20Why%20doesn't%20the,renew%20or%20maintain%20their%20license.
With people living much longer and Dementia in the mix, all States should have laws concerning the ability for someone to drive. Doctors should be mandated to at least contact DMV for any reason why they think a person should not drive. This goes if a patients family feels a LO should give up the keys. The article mentions epilepsy but there are other health conditions where someone should not be driving. And when DMV is contacted, they get the person in and test them. If they don't respond the licence is revoked.
His doctor has told him that he is legally blind and that it has been reported. I don't think it actually has been because he has never received anything from the DMV stating that he can no longer drive. His driver's license expires next year and we don't intend to take him to renew it, he won't pass the required eye exam anyway and he could not get anywhere close to the table to take the exam in the first place (not to mention the absolute hellacious logistics of GETTING him and TRACTOR size scooter into and around the DMV, waiting the exorbitant wait times with an impatient narcissist who will be trying to find a new supply to complain to among the other people waiting and will surely try to flirt with the DMV Officer if they are female or ask them inappropriate questions regardless of gender). He will yell and have a tantrum if he realizes it has expired but that's fine - There is NO reason he needs a license to operate a vehicle. He CANNOT operate one. He cannot get into passenger seat without assistance, there is no way he could even get behind the wheel and get the seat set up and get the other safety features adjusted much less back the vehicle up and drive it safely. He is legally blind now with no ability to correct. He cannot hear and will not wear his hearing aids. His tremors are so bad that he cannot eat without weighted utensils. He cannot get his legs into the car without us lifting them in and out and cannot always make his feet or knees work on command. And he either cannot or will not move his arms above his elbows (think kind of like a t-rex). So yeah...no....in a regular vehicle that is not mobility enabled - which is what he has - driving of any kind is dangerous for him, any passenger that would be foolish enough to ride with him, and anyone on the road. He also basically LAYS down in the car to drive or ride so he's better off in the passenger seat if he's going to do that. And with his vision there have been enough instances where he has scared the driver half to death recently that if he had been driving it would have been catastrophic.
So even with him being considered cognitively sound by his doctor and competent to make his own choices regardless of how ill advised - we are certainly not above whatever therapeutic lies/fibs are necessary to keep him from behind the wheel of a car.
In all fairness, if this is her first accident, or still her “fault” but relatively harmless, it really is hard to impose your standards of safety on her.
On the other hand, if you’ve seen additional clues that she’s slipping and especially if she’s unwilling to consider having her skills assessed, you better prepare to go through the process of dealing with her doctor to see where she stands in other ADL skills.
Show the accident report to her doctor; ask him/her to declare "no driving" and report her to DMV.
Take the keys, disable the car and arrange for alternate modes of transport.