My 82 year old mom is increasingly isolated. She loves alone- does not want to move from her huge house filled with clothes, books and lots of dishes and stuff. She hasn’t been driving since a stroke 7 months ago, but will take a test soon since she wants to drive again.
She has been a widow for 30 years.
Her “friends” seem to mostly be her helpers or people she pays. The few longtime friends have either died or are declining in health. But she had really stopped seeing them much in recent years. Pre pandemic her social life seemed to be mostly going to fundraisers, clothes shopping, hair salon and lunch with clothes shop owner. She used to read but doesn’t seem to do much of that anymore. She doesn’t have any hobbies anymore and really hasn’t for years.
She currently has caregivers who take her to PT, a house cleaner, and a yard person who does her yard. She barely cooks on her own anymore- I take her leftovers. Care givers make her lunch a day or two a week.
I take her to doctor’s appointments and other errands a day or two a week. I live across the street, married with a high school senior and I’m retired so have free time (i.e. nothing I have to do, just my hobbies).
She no longer needs walker and I’ve encouraged a cane since she’s afraid of falling but she really would rather hold on to someone’s arm. She’s slowly not having to do that, but it’s something that makes me feel overwhelmed when I see her wobbling and with no cane.
I want my mom to have friends her age and to live in a place where she has more social interaction. Mostly she is alone and I feel sick knowing she is alone, when I’m home reading, working in my garden or going to lunch with my friends. We don’t have same interests so I don’t want to go to fundraisers or church with her (she won’t go by self anymore). When we do go out to coffee or lunch we talk about the past- people from back in my school years, my dead father, how sad she will be when my son graduates high school. And it’s not fun stories, it’s more the sad stories. It makes me depressed.
I feel increasingly like I have to be her friend and hang out with her and it makes me not want to do anything social with her.
She isn’t mean but makes comments that make me feel guilty. She doesn’t ask for my help directly but is very indirect so I offer, thus she can feel like I’m choosing to help instead of her asking/demanding. HELP!
Sometimes we learn to adjust and I don't expect. People who expect others to be a certain way become unhappy people. We all need to learn to be alone with ourselves.
From now on, force mother to be an adult by directly asking you for what she wants. Each and every time, no exception. Do not assume she wants anything at all if she doesn't ask for it. Feel no guilt or obligation to do ANYTHING she doesn't specifically ask you for. And that's it. Teach her how to stop acting passive-aggressive with you and to speak her mind. Otherwise she gets zilch.
My mother played this horrid game with me forever, until I set down the new rules. I'd had it up to HERE with her antics and she knew she'd never get anywhere with me again if she didn't buck up and cut the crap. She learned how to ask me after awhile, when she wanted something badly enough.
Here is a link to a good read on the subject:
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-passive-aggressive-behavior-2795481
Good luck!
Have you actually just sat and talked with her?
Because for me at 81 I really don't require much social interaction. I have honestly always been that way.
I think you are very wise not to offer more help than you are doing.
To me it sounds like she has things covered.
And yes, food honestly becomes little that we eat, little that we need, and unimportant.
I think she sounds fine.
I think you sound fine as well other than picking up worry for what reason I can't guess.
If you feel things aren't "quite right", ask your Mom to let you know what she needs from you IF she needs things. Do know, however, you are opening door to more things to do for her, and it sounds you do enough.
I, as an 81 year old, have downsized enormously and I love it. Some seniors never hit that "you aren't taking it with you" hurdle, and just hang on to things. But that's an individual problem.
I myself have given up my license a decade ago. But again, that's between Mom and the DMV.
Good luck. Let me know what EXACTLY worries you here.
As we age, our worlds become smaller. We have less energy, more aches and pains. Even the thought of keeping up all that we did ten years or so before is exhausting. All that cooking for a family? Not doing it now and don't miss it. Cooking is not fun anymore. Grandchildren? If I lived near them, which I don't, I wouldn't want to keep up with every little thing they do. Lunch out? I can make a sandwich myself in five minutes, and I can eat it at home, wear what I want, don't need makeup, and don't have to drive to a restaurant where people are coughing on each other and me.
Our priorities change. Our lives change. I don't want to go, go, go. I don't want people calling me and asking me to go, go, go. After years of raising a family and being there for them through some horrendous scenarios, I cherish my alone time and time with my spouse. I'm working on home projects that I prefer to others' company, partly because many people my age, some dear friends, talk about little but their illnesses, their spouse's illnesses, their grandchildren I don't even know, and that's all they talk about. They seem to have closed their brains to anything new.
So don't cry for poor mom! Help her to embrace this phase of her life. If your goal is to get her into assisted living, go for it. But the choice is up to her unless she is unable to make decisions for herself.
She might find a guy if she went to AL. I have a friend, age 83, who just got engaged. Wedding sometime this year. They didn't meet at assisted living, though. They met through a friend.
Your mother has a life she apparently enjoys. Let her enjoy it while she can. Being a widow for 30 years shows she enjoys being alone.
I have been married over forty years and I know that I would miss my husband terribly if he died.
My mother and grandmother never stopped missing their husbands. Honestly, I would rather die before my husband so I don’t have to go through that grief.
If your mom isn’t directly asking you for help, and you don’t want to help as much, then don’t jump in so quickly with offers to help.
I think it’s great that your mom didn’t complain about wanting to drive after her stroke.
My dad had a stroke and my mother had seizures and Parkinson’s disease. Neither of them fought me or their doctors on not being able to drive. This was a relief. I have friends who have had to take their parents keys away and it was a huge fight.
Live your life as you wish. Your mom has caregivers to help her. Continue to do what you want to do for your mom, such as bringing her meals and so on.
You didn't create aging. You can't fix it. Without causation, there is no guilt. So that's first thing off your list.
You are very articulate, but I think you are assuming guilt and making yourself feel bad for little reason.
Clearly you are worried about your Mom's future. That's called normal. So far I am hale, hearty and walk a mile a day at 81 (yeah, balance just sucks in the 80s). Partner doing fine at 83.
BUT our kids know full well our age. And at their 60s are starting to have a few infirmities of their OWN (both partner's daughters are disabled to some extent). So it's natural. WE ALL WORRY.
We, my family and I discuss these things.
In all of your post to us I cannot see where you sat down to tea with Mom and had a "We need to talk" talk. About health. Her needs. Her abilities. Her balance. About things that worry YOU. About papers that need to be done. About things that concern her. About YOUR needs and your abilities to participate in her life ongoing. Just a loving, loving talk. Nothing you have to come to conclusions about before the tea cools. But things you both need to honestly consider.
And you know, if she won't talk with you, it's time to say :
"Mom. You are of an age. I know that because I feel my own aging, too. I think you are doing great. But I worry.
I worry whether I am doing enough, or too much, and how long will I choose to do things. I worry about whether or not you have plans for your future needs. I wonder whether you would be happier in care around others your age or whether you would HATE that. So, Mom, I am here and I would love to talk with you any time. I will be honest. I hope you will too. I just had to say this so I sleep better. Let's talk!!!!! Let me know when and if you want to."
Leave it be at that. Be ready for humor because when S. said to me "Do you and N. have plans" N. laughed and said "Yup. Feet first out the door" and we all doubled over in laughter. But from there we talked. We had already talked about wills and POA and trusts and accounts and all that. But we hadn't covered a lot of "what ifs" about daily living.
Meanwhile I CAUTION YOU. You are picking up things you are not even asked to. You are not only robbing her of her own independence, but you are making yourself responsible. And worst of all :
YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR MOM not to examine the future and things she needs to think about.
Because of this she may have assumptions and by that I mean the nightmare assumption that she's moving in with you eventually. When she wants/needs to.
Be honest.
Be open.
Let your mom know you will want to talk.
Meanwhile think on just how much you CAN or plan to or WANT TO be responsible in the future. My daughter is two states away. I miss her like mad and she's here twice a year and I a month with her in summer, but to be honest with you ............................
For HER sake primarily. AND for my own. Two states away is about the best distance between us and our aging elders.
That's just my personal opinion.
Open to change. May change on a dime. But it's where I am now.
You must stop projecting onto her your own concepts and expectations about what her life should look like.
Expectation = a premeditated disappointment
You are not obligated to be your Mom's entertainment committee. You aren't responsible for her happiness.
I live next door to my 94-yr old Mom. Her world is shrinking and sometimes I feel terrible if a day goes by that I haven't walked over to her house to chat (but I do call her at least twice a day... we're in MN so the snow and ice is an issue when walking between properties). Then I remind myself that if my Mom lived in an AL facility in FL like she mistakenly thinks she wanted to, I'd not be seeing her or entertaining her daily.
If you are your Mom's PoA I'd read the document to know what is required for the authority to be activated. Make sure she gets an annual physical and pass her doc a note to do a cognitive/memory test.
If she is post-stroke it is possible she is actually, clinically depressed. Is she on anything for that? If not, why not?
I gave my Mom my old iPad and loaded it with games (so, no internet access). She plays it a lot and really enjoys it. Maybe your Mom would like something like that if you showed her it was "easy"?
If your Mom regains her license, please keep a close eye out on her driving skills.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey with your Mom.
"She doesn’t ask for my help directly but is very indirect so I offer, thus she can feel like I’m choosing to help instead of her asking/demanding".
Margaret even called it manipulation. I agree.
I had this..idk.. resentment feeling when 'hints' were dangled at me. Just as you described. Awaiting my offer to help. Then when I SAW this pattern.. OH! 💡
Now I see it easiler. See it in my extended family & spot it from miles away in my DH's extended family too.
I do not react as I did. I reclarify. I wait for the person to ASK (like an adult).
My resentment then started to fade.
Actually, it sounds like you are having trouble letting go of her you want to create the life you think she should have.
Perhaps therapy will help you stop all this negative self talk, "Feeling Guilty", "Feeling Depressed ", "Feeling Overwhelmed" and so on.
Maybe you should find something else to do with your time, enrich your life without her. Believe it or not she most likely will go before you, then you will really be lost and I can hear it now..."Only If's", will become more negative self talk.
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