How do I make the rest of my family help with Nan who has terminal cancer?

You chose to pilot this ship, but you’re mad others won’t take the trip. You can’t make anyone but yourself change anything.

I answered you below, but wanted to be sure you saw it..


Ok, please read between the lines here. You asked for help.. lots of suggestions, lots coming from their own experience. 

Does nan own her home ? If so, what is being done with the property? 

Basically you cannot make someone help. You can ask , communicate your needs. LISTEN to their needs as they need to LISTEN to your difficulties. Are your cousins and sister working ? Full time ? Are they nearby? How do you see them helping you ? Are you working from home ? If nan moves in, how do they help you in an already crowded home ? Or were you hoping one of them would move nan in with them? Realize they may not have the same relationship as you do. Do they want nan in an assisted living ? They are not all bad places. Too many questions… I hope you take care of yourself as well

dear OP,

1.
hug! i totally, totally understand you.

you wrote:
“When this is all over I’m emigrating and blocking their numbers!”

i feel exactly the same way. i can’t wait to totally get rid of my siblings. cut them out of my life. we’re still linked in some unavoidable ways. i look forward to never seeing them again. what a nice life, never having to deal with them again.

i totally understand you wanting to cut out non-helping, selfish family members from your life, who dump all the problems on YOU.

it’s the same with me. my siblings dump it all on ME.

imagine how happy we’ll be, OP: you and i free from these people.

2.
you wrote:
“In the meantime, how do I get them to help more?!?”

oh boy.
i tried a lot, to get my 3 older brothers to help. had anyone asked me 5 years ago (my parents were fine then), if i believed i would be alone helping in the future, i would have said, “of course not. my brothers and i will all help.” i was wrong. i never would have imagined they would behave as they did: not only not helping, but making everything much more stressful for me WHILE i’m helping; they’re mean, cruel. i heard that people with a guilty conscience behave in strange ways…

OP, probably like me, you weren’t expecting the non-helpers to behave so selfishly, totally exploiting you and leaving it ALL up to you.

i wasn’t expecting it either. i had no idea they would be like this.

——often the one who’s left helping never imagined they’d be alone: but the non-helpers, they knew; they already decided this years ago (that they wouldn’t help).

sooo, as i was saying, i tried a lot to get them to help. i disappeared, so they would HAVE to help. anddddd, they still didn’t help. i returned and helped out, again. it’s very clear, they’ll never help; they prefer to dump it all on me. much nicer for them.

believe me OP, they (your bad people and my bad people) all know it’s wrong what they’re doing, dumping it all on 1 person. but they do it anyway.

as 1 of my brothers said about himself, he’s a bad person and he doesn’t mind.

soooo, what can you do OP? not much. i tried everything to ask them to help please. they didn’t. it was important to me that i tried everything, because it means i tried everything to save myself from drowning.

it’s about saving your life.

saving my life.

i have proof i tried everything.

now that it’s totally clear that they’ll never help, i see the whole situation through different eyes. i see the enormous toll it takes on ME, and only ME (while my brothers have total freedom every day).

liberty, freedom. my new favorite words.

3.
what can you do OP? do all you can to save your life. be kind, but be kind to you too.

concretely for my life it means: setting up
a good SELF-SUFFICIENT (not needing me) system of trustworthy caregivers at home for my LOs (like you OP, i’ll keep my LOs home). eliminating quickly all my LOs’ current problems. freeing myself. and then focusing totally on my work/life without receiving constant problems.

later in the future, other problems might appear. but right now every day, i’m getting rid of lots of my LOs’ problems, to get my freedom back. i want my life back. (i don’t mean totally stop helping).

others on the forum have used the term “caregiver slave”. it’s true.

i want freedom.

Having just landed on this post the first response I saw was your below. I am so sorry you haven’t felt supported, after all that is what you came here for and said so at the onset. I am in the US so some of my experiences/ideas may not apply the same way in England but there must be some similarities.

First I have to say, good for you sticking by both your Mom (who doesn’t sound like she was easy to stick by and care for) and your Nan, she is lucky to have you and your husband and no doubt she knows it. Also I want to say that you and DH are setting an important example for your children about family and how to be there in a loved ones time of need. As far as making anyone else help, it sounds like that may be a wasted use of your time and energy in this instance but you could try by setting up a group text or email chain where you update everyone on what is happening with Nan. Then when you have specific needs, your family needs to go to a birthday party next Sat for instance, you can use the chain to say it would be a big help if someone could come stay with Gran while you do that. Maybe you need someone to pick up medication for her or whatever other specific help you are looking for. I’m not really sure what you are looking for from your sister and cousins, maybe it’s just emotional support and maybe it’s more but although I totally understand your anger and exasperation expressing that to your family with anger, trying to force or rope them into something is likely to make matters worse. People who haven't been caregivers the way you have for years often simply can’t comprehend how much you are doing or how they can help in any way. However when you give them specifics they can do, without expectation, you might find that they happily take those things on because they now have tangible things they can do to help and participate. To them you seem to have everything under control, enjoy being Nan’s primary caregiver and may even be afraid that trying to step in and do something will only make things harder for you. Some people really do make things harder when they are trying to help. My aunt for instance, my mother loves her very much and ends up enjoying their 2-3 hr long phone conversations, though she tries to avoid them because it takes so much energy for her but when she visits… My mom was my Grandmothers caregiver for years until she passed, Mom moved into GM house to care for her and is still in that house where we care for Mom. Anyway my aunt would come to visit in those earlier years when Mom was caring for Ma (my GM) and help by making all of this fresh food and rearranging the kitchen. Problem was neither of them really enjoyed the food she made and the kitchen arrangements always had to be put back the way it was once she left. Well she was still doing this after Ma passed whenever she came to visit Mom. She wants to be helpful she just doesn’t know how and can’t help herself, she has to do the things she wants to be helpful. She loves my mom and want’s to help but she really can’t. The things we need help with are beyond what family members can do. You may be in that same spot Unknownadult and what you really need is for your sister and cousins to simply let you vent. I will say it’s always therapeutic for me to update my aunt on what’s happening with Mom.

Yes you are too young for this, so are they but you have chosen to take it on out of love for your Nan and you will get some very special time with her wherever she is. Maybe they are too young to realize it and you are just experienced enough to know, they are missing out on something very fulfilling. We all make choices we regret but it’s a choice just as you choose to take her in. Doesn’t make anyone better than anyone else just different choices.

It isn’t always easy to be special and you are very special to care so much. Your Gran is very lucky to have you.

I'm not sure how you think we can magically give you an answer you'll like when you've ruled out the only one that makes any sense, so let me try a different angle:

Why on earth do you think moving into a two-bedroom home with four people, including a stressed-out caregiver trying to juggle three businesses, dicey finances, a special needs toddler, and a nine-year-old is the best care your grandmother deserves? Why wouldn't you let the professionals do the medical caregiving while you devote yourself to loving on her?

Frankly, it sounds a little self-centered to me, and it's your youth showing. You aren't doing what's best for your nan -- you're trying to be Superwoman for some misguided reason, and in the end, everyone will suffer for it -- Nan, your children, your marriage -- EVERYONE.

You mom is dead, so you aren't obligated to make up for her abuse. Nan did what she did for you because she could. She lived through a World War. OK, but so did a lot of people, and if she's 87, then she was your older child's age when it ended, so what's your point there? You aren't obligated to make up for Hitler's abuse either. She's probably a pretty tough cookie, and has moved on.

Stop being pissy and really make an effort to understand what people are saying to you. You WILL NOT be able to care for her and juggle all your other responsibilities as well, because it simply isn't possible. Something's got to give, and when you drop the ball on Nan...or the kids...or the businesses...or your marriage...who's going to pick up the pieces and fix it all -- your husband? And what happens when he can't do it either?

Putting her in a nursing home where she'll be care for properly with you visiting as often as you want is truly the best way to show her you love her. She won't be left sitting in a filthy diaper because you're on a phone call...or dealing with the toddler melting down...or going to the store...or picking up your older child from school...or making dinner...or helping with homework...

Of course, if you're dealing with changing Nan's diaper...or feeding her... or helping her with pain, then your children will be alone...your business calls will go unanswered...and you'll lose sales...and your finances will suffer...and your husband won't have you to talk to...and the kids might not get fed on time or go to bed on time...or your older child will be late to school...or not get picked up on time...or you'll miss out on school activities....

Does this make any sense to you yet? If not, then I'm sorry you're being so stubborn, because the ones who need you will suffer for your choices more than you will. I don't think that's what you're intending, but the voices of experience on this board are telling you just that, and most of them have far less on their plates than you do.

(Note I said nothing about making others help. You can't, so stop wasting brain cells on that issue.)

After re-reading your post it doesn't sound like you make rational choices. A funeral you are still paying off for your abusive mother. Why? Sounds like you get easily manipulated into things that are detrimental to you and your family. Moving nan into your house is just the latest bad decision.

What does your kind and wonderful nan have to say about all this stress and pressure you are under trying to take care of her? Surely she doesnt want her granddaughter to be burdened by all of this and she has been trying to find a way to help you help her.

This has been a mixed bag of really unhelpful responses.
firstly, my Nan is not abusive like some suggested. My mother was a narcissist that her illness magnified x100. My nan is the sweetest woman in the world. She’s been there for all of us in our times of need. My aunty took after her. I’m actually quite offended by that comment tbh!

Im 27 and my Nan is 87. She was diagnosed terminal and had 1 year, 8 years ago. She took a trial drug and it’s kept it at bay for the last 8 years. Now it has changed and she has new cancer which isn’t looking good.

Care home is not an option because I will not put her in one. I put my mum in one but she was so hard to look after and horrible to me. My Nan survived a world war, put up with my mothers behaviour for 57 years and has helped every single one of us and looked after her. Like hell am I going to stick her in a home. My aunty if she was here wouldn’t have put her in a home, and I promised her on her deathbed I’d look after Nan.

im also in UK, not US.


Ive found this site as helpful as my family! So thanks all!

I hope you can change your mindset and decide that a care home is an option now. If you love your Nan, you want her in the place where she can get the best care. That means professional caregivers. And she may thrive there. You don’t know until you’ve tried it. Assuming that all care homes are alike is not good thinking. Good luck!

To be frank you can never get others to do anything they do not wish to do. Historically this family doesn't wish to do anything. That leaves you and your willingness. I hope you will have hospice if this is indeed a terminal diagnosis. If not there may be another 8 years coming, and I think your first obligation is to your own nuclear family, not to your nan, who may, sadly need to enter care. I am so very very sorry this is happening for her and for you.

I will assume here if your 27 grandmom is in her 70s? I think your jumping the gun a little. You cannot take on the care of Grandmom. First Gma may want to stay in her own home. You don't have enough room for the family you have. You need to find out how Gma stands financially. Maybe she can afford an aide a few hours a day? If not, you contact Medicaid for "in home" care and see if Gma fits their criteria. Call Office of Aging and see what resources are out there for Gma. She may have to take a Senior bus to appts and shopping. And never say never. If her care becomes too much, you may need her placed. With Hospice in home, the family does most of the care. In a facility, you have aides and Nurses there to work with Hospice. There's Medicaid help here too. You cannot be everything to everyone. Having a special needs child is a full-time job. As much as you love your grandmother, your child is ur priority.

Take one day at a time. Don't think too much ahead. Right now ur planning the rest of Gma's life and she may have other plans.

Doesnt sound like she is terminal if she is still alive 8 years later.

Family members are not going to help they have made that clear by their actions.

You say your nan is the sweetest and kindest person you know but is that really true? I mean your mother was very abusive. She had to have learned it from somewhere unless she was just mentally ill. Could nan have been abusive to her and other children? My grandma was great to me but was abusive to her son and my mom. Maybe that's why no one else wants anything to do with her.

Please don't say a care home is not an option. It may very well need to be an option based on the care she needs.

Start researching placement to an AL . Why is a home not an
option? Things do not get better from here. Your home is too small for this. If there are no funds , you will need to start the Medicaid process. Call your county office of aging and disabilities. They will hand hold you thru the process. If nana is holding on to her nest egg for inheritance, she should be using it for her care.

my SIL, BIL tried to force caregiving on me. As in scheduled days. Hard no. You cannot force someone to do caregiving. It would be nice if they help but if your looking for a commitment, I’m sure they are busy too, you are just busier…..

google care advisors to look for help in finding the right home. They are realtors of sort. Paid by the placement place … invaluable service , get someone local who can meet with you, do tours…

Short answer is you don’t. They are not required to help but neither are you. Figure out what you can do and only do that. Your Nan needs to pay for the extra care. Your Nan needs to be the one to compromise not every one else. Find outside services to help her.