How do I make my mother happy, during a visit to the nursing home, when all she wants to do is go home?

Take your mom a treat. A milkshake or other thing she enjoys. Have a list of things to discuss if that helps you to fill the gaps. Perhaps some photos to look at or a card from someone she might enjoy hearing from. You can write the card yourself. Go at a time when a favorite tv show is on so you can watch it with her. Keep things light. Or look up music from her 20s on your cell phone and play a song or two for her from YouTube.
‘Another time you might put a ball game on low volume, pull up a chair and just sit with her. It’s okay if you fall asleep. Just quietly be with her. When she mentions going home, don’t resist or explain, just assure her that when she’s better she will be going home. If your presence is distressing to her, you might just sit in the hall so you can witness the activity around her and satisfy yourself that she is not distressed all the time.
if the facility she is in is truly poorly ran, look for another to move her to. Her life is about receiving care at this point. She has a disease that you are not responsible for. You are kind to visit her but you can’t cure her or fulfill her fantasy of going home. You don’t have that power. I’m sorry.

I miss my mom too. She spent four years in a nursing home, and though, thankfully, her care was very good, I have no doubt she hated every minute of it. It wasn’t her home, her friends mostly deserted her, her body didn’t work anymore, she dealt with loneliness despite frequent family visits. In short, she missed her old life, and who wouldn’t? She didn’t have dementia, but even for those who do, they still know the difference and intrinsically feel the losses. Please don’t take your mother’s upset personally, it’s not you. I used to go in armed with a joke or two, even a dumb one, and hard as it could be I tried to keep up conversation on positive topics. I took mom outdoors for a change of scenery. Take a snack she likes, anything you can think of to lighten the mood. And always know if it gets too hard, you can leave and try again another time or day. When you leave go do something that makes you feel good. The situation isn’t fun for anyone, but mom needs an advocate in her setting, and she’s blessed to have you in that role. Taking care of yourself matters too

The truth is she may never accliamate to her new environment. This happens sometimes and there's really nothing anyone can do.

She may be doing just fine but the second she sees you the gloom and doom start up, the crying and begging to go home. This is very common.

Years ago I worked in a very nice AL. We had residents who were the life of the party. Real social butterflies. The second their adult child comes to visit, it was like flipping a switch. They'd stop mid-laugh and start with the long faces first, then negativity, then the crying and begging to go home.


My friend's mother was in our AL. She was the life of the party. The second her daughter (my friend) showed up... This woman could cry on command.


I called her out in front of her daughter and told the truth. That not five minutes before she arrived she was playing cards and having a laugh.

She got very angry at both of us. The she removed her daughter from the visitors list and stopped speaking to her for a while.
This was a welcome break for her daughter. She eventually came around and the drama "performances" she's put on for her daughter stopped.
They were replaced by a sort of condescending snideness which was far more manageable.

You should stop visiting for a while but have someone who she doesn't know observe her day to day life then talk with her. They will give you a truthful account.
Maybe not their staff, but someone you can trust that your mother doesn't know. Even an outside aide that you hire for just this purpose.

Don’t visit so often. Ask yourself if it’s helping or hurting to visit so often. And helping or hurting whom?

You matter too.

You can not "MAKE" someone happy.
You can see to it that she is cared for.
You can see to it that she is safe.
You can see to it that her needs are met.
You can not make her happy, sad, or any other emotion.

When you visit be as cheerful as you can.
Greet the staff. If there are residents in the hall smile and a hello would be nice.
(greeting people and being nice will help your mom as people will treat her nicely)
When you leave try to see that she is getting involved in an activity. Or if someone comes in to take her to the bathroom leave then.
You are not "sneaking out the back door".

When she asks to "go home" tell her that she is safe here. Tell her that this is home.
or
You can tell her that she can go home when the doctor says she can.

Many times when a person says they "want to go home" it is not the physical home but a time and place when they were healthy. Or for some it may mean "Heaven".

Burnt and Grandma are right. You CAN'T make Mom happy. This is a time of loss and grieving, not a time when pain brings a new baby, when doing it right gets you a diploma. This is a time of loss and grieving and the only way through it is honoring it, mourning it, and doing the best you can. Clearly, from your question, that's what you're already doing. I am so sorry, but I know you recognize, having living a bit of time, that life isn't ABOUT happiness. Life is a journey, a mix. You can only do the best you can given human limitations and the facts as they are.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

“Sneaking out the back door” is not a sin in anyone’s religion.

It can (was for us) be an indication of the intense love and compassion you feel for someone who can no longer live a life style in another setting.

As soon as she starts the “going home” talk walk quickly to her side, give her a loving but very brief hug, say “I love you dearly Mom, I’ll see you again very soon”, turn on your heel AND LEAVE.

DO NOT TURN around after you’ve said your single “goodby”.

You cannot make her “happy” and it’s NOT YOUR JOB to do so.

Take good care of yourself- you’re suffering right now MORE than she is.

When my dad was in a nursing home, this summer, I was also nervous about visiting him. When I peaked in his room, I saw he was calm. But when I walked in, he would scream. I would acknowledge how he felt and then redirect him to another topic.
Sometimes, he came back to wanting to go home. And again, I acknowledged how he felt and redirected him.
I Showed him a magazine, a paper to read, pictures, music, and spoke about different topics he liked. Happy memories of his different jobs. Places he went. Gave him paper and pens/markers, and a snack, Etc.
When wanting to go home, I came up with different excuses, there aren't any wheel chair Ubers available right now. I forgot to bring your wheel chair, I'll bring it tomorrow.

I see my dad every day when I am doing my one month stint. I don’t stay longer than a half hour usually. I have an old picture of the family or my grandkids to show him. We talk a bit about that. Just try to keep it light. On nice days we are able to go outside in the sitting area which is really nice. The change of scenery is good. Plus my husband who hates going into the building itself will sit with us outside. My husband can do small talk very well and makes it nice.

we keep ice cream pops that he enjoys in the freezer in the dining room and if he wants one I bring it to him.

He doesn’t speak much anymore so he cannot verbalize too much. I am lucky that his roommate also looks out for him and tells me how he is.

Its sad and I wish he died before he reached this point in his life. It would have been more merciful than this.

We don’t have any power to make others happy, regardless of whether they have dementia or not.

I know that dementia complicates things. All of this is beyond your control.

It’s normal to feel sad about your mom’s condition. I find that we start to grieve the loss of our parents long before they die. She is grieving as well. She misses her home and life as she remembers it.

Have you asked the staff at her nursing home if she is asking to go home when you aren’t around? Maybe she does need more time to adjust.

Listen to what the staff tells you and respond accordingly. If it’s better for your mom to not see you for awhile, then it may be the kindest thing that you can do for her.

Do you think she will forget who you are if you stay away? How often are you visiting your mom? Tell us a bit more about how you feel. Do you need a break? You must take care of yourself too.

Please be comforted by knowing that she is in the best place. She can no longer live on her own.