Pretend she is three and you are explaining to your three year old why they have to leave friends to go to a different home and be sensitive that she is not three. Some of the techniques work really well - distract, say what is wonderful about the new place, introduce a new place, new friends, etc. I have durable power of attorney for my parents and I find the lucid moments to discuss items with them. They live at home, have a split floor plan house. My father cannot sleep flat so has been in a sleep chair in the living room for months and will not be sleeping elsewhere...he LOVES it! My mother fell recently and was in Hospice care until recently (yes, they can graduate out!). The caregivers (3 rotate a 24 hour schedule) have a room in the house to take breaks etc. The primary bedroom is on the opposite part of the house than the ADA bathroom and care room. I coaxed my mother into the bedroom next to the care room so her many trips to the bathroom at night could be supervised without waking my father. I have some TMI stories that would make it clear the move needed to be made. AND I needed to be sure my mom AND my dad would be OK with it. I am in the house two weeks every month to take care of financials and items with the house...there is always something...(I work remotely anyway). My husband and I are in the house now (Thanksgiving through Christmas), both working remotely, so we used that as an excuse to get started - we needed the bigger room.
How did I coax? I reassured my mother that her dresser, her paintings, her jewelry (not expensive and more decorative on the wall) would all be in the room. We would move the clothes she wears, etc. Talking about the detailed items that were important was important in itself to identify exactly what was important. My husband made sure the paintings were where she wanted. My dad (stroke disabled left side) was a little harder since he thought he was losing privacy (from the living room! I laughed inside). His issue is still the use of the ADA bathroom. It's the only place they can shower, but have to be separate shower times :-). He's OK with the night stuff since there is no conflict LOL. But during the day, the circus sound (his call button sound) goes off and my mom will sometimes wake up from her nap and want the bathroom at the same time. She can use the primary bathroom so the caregiver will often kindly offer that option (makes her walk farther with the walker too). My mom's call button sounds like a lady in distress from the old movies. (I fixed that this trip too - used to be a doorbell type sound for both and my mother would ask who was at the door.) My point is, use what you can from a positive, little bit new mostly comfortable standpoint. Come at it from HER standpoint. Why would SHE WANT to move? You'll figure it out one moment at a time. It is important she agree, even for just one moment in time that you can go back to. Not arguing, just stating facts..."this is what we agreed to"
OH! and shorter distance to the bathroom! Bed in the primary bedroom was a King and open on both sides, then my mom moved into a hospital bed when she entered Hospice care...and she could get out of both sides and her walker...you guessed it, always on the wrong side and she didn't want it anyway. Moving to the full bed with only one side worked wonders. Everyone sleeps more soundly. Again, little things can make a big difference in the end. Take the time, we and they don't have to like what needs to be done, just need to live with it.
TracyErmon: Your mother may require residence in a memory care facility and the condo may have to be sold to pay for it. She can no longer live at home.
Is this person your mother? Is she still living at home? Your first thing to do is to relocate her. Either Memory Care facility or your house (or other relative that will care for her) Once she is out of the house then you can do what you need to do. Most likely selling the condo (for fair market value) and I am guessing placing that in a fund to pay for her care. With dementia you will have little luck telling her that it will be sold and her understanding the why's. And she will constantly ask to return home. (please do not keep telling her that it was sold, use some other verbiage like "you can return home when the doctor says you can" OR "this is home now, you are safe here"
I agree with this answer . I was not going to tell my mother. My sister thought I was wrong and told my mother that the house was up for sale. It was VERY traumatic for Mom. My mother attempted to walk home because of my sister telling her . Fortunately the staff at AL stopped Mom . It would have been kinder to continue to let my mother think that she may go “ home someday “ and keep coming up with therapeutic lies .
Who is this person? What is her cognitive functioning? Dementia? Who are you? in relation to this person?
Why do you want to sell it?
I do not understand why / what 'a person's profile says' has to do with a specific question asked here. Are we supposed to research the person asking a question to find out more about who they are and what their needs are ?
I read these questions and answer accordingly.
I strongly encourage anyone here asking a question to provide us all the information in order to make a reasonable, thoughtful, and hopefully helpful response. Rather than, perhaps, expecting or requiring us to re-searach and read your profile.
Perhaps the application (AgingCare) / website needs tweaking - so we could read the question WITH the profile next to it.
It might be better to figure out where she will go, before you bring up the topic of selling her home. Why does she have to leave her condo? Does she need to be in a place where she can get more assistance? Is she not able to live independently even with the help of a caregiver who comes in to help her? Much will depend on her finances. Is she of sound mind? If so, as POA you must try to respect her wishes as much as possible. If she is still sound of mind, have a discussion with her about her wishes and needs, and financial condition. Connect with a local social worker or her state's Department of Aging to make sure she is getting all of the benefits she is entitled to. If you think she needs to move to assisted living, memory care, or an independent senior residence, you may have to do all of the legwork to find a few places that you think she will like (look for skilled and friendly staff, decide if a continuing care facility is better for her and you, etc.). Then take her to see them and as much as possible, let her choose where she wants to go. Sometimes the residences will arrange for her to meet some of the other residents, or have a meal in their dining room. Look for places near you so that you can visit her often and oversee her care. Let her know that you'll be there for her. The advantages of senior residences is that they take care of apartment maintenance and cleaning, do laundry (check what they will do), provide meals, arrange appropriate activities and entertainment, etc. In assisted living, they help with medications, have a nurse on staff, have skilled staff, etc. She'll have to downsize to move to a residence. You'll have to help her with this. Only bring functional things to the new residence, and just a few mementos. All the best to you both!
There are meds for Moms combativeness. Your profile says she is living in her home? If her Dementia has progressed this far then she should not be living alone. Time for Memory Care if she can afford it. Long-term care if she can't with Medicaid helping. With your life, I would not bring her into your home.
My Mom was in a small AL when I put her house up for sale. I never told her. No reason to. She would never go home. She had what she needed at the AL. I was the only one of 3 kids that could clean out her house and I did it. One brothers wife wanted a couple of things. The other brother wasn't interested. I had 3 boxes that when I came to pictures or items I thought my brothers would want, I thru them in the box.
When Dementia is involved, there is no more asking them what they want. They can no longer make those types of decisions. So you do. You just do what you think is best.
Well said JoAnn29. I too had to make the decision, but I consulted with the social workers and her physician before taking any action. They advised me to do what was best for Mom and me. She knew she was not going to be able to return home, but as long as it was available, she would continue to hope. After the discussions, a friend advised me to NOT tell her, but not lie to her if she asked about the house. The friend said this was best, that way if Mom got upset/angry, I could explain the funds would be used to ensure she (Mom) got A+ care. Whatever decision is made; DO NOT feel guilty for your decision choice.
Having a Power of Attorney means you have the authority to take care of specified business on her behalf. If she has not been diagnosed with dementia, or had a doctor determine that she is not competent to handle her own affairs, then you can only do transactions she agrees with. We use the Power of Attorney term around this site like it gives us rights to do whatever we think is best, but it just gives us the authority to do a business transaction for that person. When I sold my dad's home I had Power of Attorney and made all the arrangements, dealt with the realtor, signed the contract as POA etc, but when it came to settlement they came to his apartment and got his signature, my signature won't suffice because he was still competent. I was worried he'd back out at the last minute but, thank goodness, he signed everything. So, before you do anything make certain that either 1) you can convince her to sell by using the theraputic fibs, etc or 2) that she has a documented dementia diagnosis that triggers your ability to make the decisions for her, not just do the transactions.
This is so accurate. When I had POA, my relatives and aunt's neighbor were pushing me to sell her home without aunt's permission because I had POA. It wasn't even activated, as aunt wasn't incapacitated. They told me to get a lawyer and have her declared incapacitated and sell the house to pay for AL. No. Not going through all of that.
If she is never returning, then do not tell her. However take a few photos of the inside and outside in case she asks about it to see that all items are in place. Be careful on the outside if she still understands season's. It should not be a fib when you show photos and tell her that you checked and nothing has changed
Is she on meds for her anxiety/agitation? If not, consider consulting with her doctor about this.
Therapeutic fibs are your friend. You don't try to get buy-in from her. You don't tell her what's happening. She's no longer able to process it as if she had all her prior abilities of logic, reason, judgment and memory.
If she's going into a care facility, the admins can help you transition her using a therapeutic fib (she's going there for PT, or a temp stay while the condo is getting a new furnace or water heater, whatever narrative you think she'll accept).
Geaton777 - I am going to remember your term "therapeutic fib". It does what I've often attempted to explain the situation of NOT telling Mom. Not to hide anything, but to prevent her from getting agitated/upset about something that is out of her control because of her illnesses (Parkinson's, Aphasia, and progressive Dementia).
Is she incompetent? If indeed she is, then her dementia is to the extent where you can certainly forgive her grieving this, for it is worth grieving. Life is full of heartbreaks we must grieve. Allow her that.
If she is not incompetent, of course, you have no right, even as POA to sell anything she owns against her wishes.
A Power of Attorney does not give someone the right to usurp the decisions of the principle, or act against their preferences.
"Your agent must act in accordance with your wishes as long as you have the mental capacity to make your own decisions. If you lose that capacity, your agent should attempt to do what you would have wished if you still had the capacity to act."
In addition, the document will specify the kinds of decisions being entrusted to the POA. You have to read the document to know what is covered.
I have durable power of attorney for my parents and I find the lucid moments to discuss items with them. They live at home, have a split floor plan house. My father cannot sleep flat so has been in a sleep chair in the living room for months and will not be sleeping elsewhere...he LOVES it! My mother fell recently and was in Hospice care until recently (yes, they can graduate out!). The caregivers (3 rotate a 24 hour schedule) have a room in the house to take breaks etc. The primary bedroom is on the opposite part of the house than the ADA bathroom and care room.
I coaxed my mother into the bedroom next to the care room so her many trips to the bathroom at night could be supervised without waking my father. I have some TMI stories that would make it clear the move needed to be made. AND I needed to be sure my mom AND my dad would be OK with it. I am in the house two weeks every month to take care of financials and items with the house...there is always something...(I work remotely anyway). My husband and I are in the house now (Thanksgiving through Christmas), both working remotely, so we used that as an excuse to get started - we needed the bigger room.
How did I coax? I reassured my mother that her dresser, her paintings, her jewelry (not expensive and more decorative on the wall) would all be in the room. We would move the clothes she wears, etc. Talking about the detailed items that were important was important in itself to identify exactly what was important. My husband made sure the paintings were where she wanted.
My dad (stroke disabled left side) was a little harder since he thought he was losing privacy (from the living room! I laughed inside). His issue is still the use of the ADA bathroom. It's the only place they can shower, but have to be separate shower times :-). He's OK with the night stuff since there is no conflict LOL. But during the day, the circus sound (his call button sound) goes off and my mom will sometimes wake up from her nap and want the bathroom at the same time. She can use the primary bathroom so the caregiver will often kindly offer that option (makes her walk farther with the walker too). My mom's call button sounds like a lady in distress from the old movies. (I fixed that this trip too - used to be a doorbell type sound for both and my mother would ask who was at the door.)
My point is, use what you can from a positive, little bit new mostly comfortable standpoint. Come at it from HER standpoint. Why would SHE WANT to move? You'll figure it out one moment at a time. It is important she agree, even for just one moment in time that you can go back to. Not arguing, just stating facts..."this is what we agreed to"
Moving to the full bed with only one side worked wonders. Everyone sleeps more soundly. Again, little things can make a big difference in the end. Take the time, we and they don't have to like what needs to be done, just need to live with it.
Is she still living at home?
Your first thing to do is to relocate her.
Either Memory Care facility or your house (or other relative that will care for her)
Once she is out of the house then you can do what you need to do. Most likely selling the condo (for fair market value) and I am guessing placing that in a fund to pay for her care.
With dementia you will have little luck telling her that it will be sold and her understanding the why's. And she will constantly ask to return home. (please do not keep telling her that it was sold, use some other verbiage like "you can return home when the doctor says you can" OR "this is home now, you are safe here"
I was not going to tell my mother.
My sister thought I was wrong and told my mother that the house was up for sale. It was VERY traumatic for Mom. My mother attempted to walk home because of my sister telling her . Fortunately the staff at AL stopped Mom .
It would have been kinder to continue to let my mother think that she may go “ home someday “ and keep coming up with therapeutic lies .
What is her cognitive functioning? Dementia?
Who are you? in relation to this person?
Why do you want to sell it?
I do not understand why / what 'a person's profile says' has to do with a specific question asked here. Are we supposed to research the person asking a question to find out more about who they are and what their needs are ?
I read these questions and answer accordingly.
I strongly encourage anyone here asking a question to provide us all the information in order to make a reasonable, thoughtful, and hopefully helpful response. Rather than, perhaps, expecting or requiring us to re-searach and read your profile.
Perhaps the application (AgingCare) / website needs tweaking - so we could read the question WITH the profile next to it.
We (or I) need more information to respond.
Gena / Touch Matters
My Mom was in a small AL when I put her house up for sale. I never told her. No reason to. She would never go home. She had what she needed at the AL. I was the only one of 3 kids that could clean out her house and I did it. One brothers wife wanted a couple of things. The other brother wasn't interested. I had 3 boxes that when I came to pictures or items I thought my brothers would want, I thru them in the box.
When Dementia is involved, there is no more asking them what they want. They can no longer make those types of decisions. So you do. You just do what you think is best.
Therapeutic fibs are your friend. You don't try to get buy-in from her. You don't tell her what's happening. She's no longer able to process it as if she had all her prior abilities of logic, reason, judgment and memory.
If she's going into a care facility, the admins can help you transition her using a therapeutic fib (she's going there for PT, or a temp stay while the condo is getting a new furnace or water heater, whatever narrative you think she'll accept).
If indeed she is, then her dementia is to the extent where you can certainly forgive her grieving this, for it is worth grieving.
Life is full of heartbreaks we must grieve. Allow her that.
If she is not incompetent, of course, you have no right, even as POA to sell anything she owns against her wishes.
A Power of Attorney does not give someone the right to usurp the decisions of the principle, or act against their preferences.
"Your agent must act in accordance with your wishes as long as you have the mental capacity to make your own decisions. If you lose that capacity, your agent should attempt to do what you would have wished if you still had the capacity to act."
In addition, the document will specify the kinds of decisions being entrusted to the POA. You have to read the document to know what is covered.