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I am caring for my parents who moved to Independent living that is close to me. They sold their home in a town they had lived in for 53 years. It has been a difficult transition for my dad. He has started to criticize what my mom wears to the dining room. He says that “all of the other ladies have changed what they wear with the seasons, but she is wearing the same old thing.” Mom is 90 and Dad will be 90 in Feb. He complains because Mom won’t make decisions, but when she does, he criticizes the decision or questions it. They both are depressed and I don’t know what to say to him to convince to stop criticizing Mom. She has mobility issues after having surgery for 3 herniated discs in 2015. She has never returned to the same level of mobility since then. She uses a walker everywhere she goes. Dad worried way to much about what other people think and not enough about what Mom needs. Any advice on here is appreciated.

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He has always been critical of all us, but they didn’t go out to eat every single day before. He is acting like they are going out to a restaurant every time they go eat in the dining room at the facility. Even I wouldn’t want to get dressed up that often. He tells me about it weekly when I take him to the store. He keeps saying that she needs to update her wardrobe and how nice all the other ladies look. Mom never says anything about it to me, but I took her a new shirt this past weekend and she told me that she doesn’t need anymore clothes.
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pamzimmrrt Dec 2019
Maybe she doesn't need anymore clothes, but perhaps she would LIKE some? If this seasonal thing is such a big deal for dad.. could you maybe get a seasonal cardigan or two? I found some adorable sweaters for mom at Goodwill, of all places! Maybe a fall or holiday style one? My mom is always cold, so she loves sweaters. Maybe she could just throw it on over her other clothes to go to eat, and he would calm down? Or a sweatshirt in a seasonal theme. BTW,, does dad update his wardrobe for the seasons..
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Letting them work it out on their own is a great idea. But, if it’s happening in front of you, you have every right to say something. Dad may be picking on Mom to make himself look or feel better. That’s what happened with my mother, but my father had passed a few months before. She did it during family get togethers. My family told me that they didn’t want to hear it any longer and to tell her to knock it off. So, I did. She was very self-absorbed and I don’t think she realized how upsetting it was to us. She did stop for the most part.
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My mother treated my father badly for their entire 68 year marriage, which I always hated but was never able to change. The bottom line is this: It's THEIR marriage. If your mom is miserable, she will take it up with your dad. Don't get in between their issues unless you are asked to. It just doesn't work out when we try to meddle. Mom makes a choice every day to stay with your dad, as my dad made the daily choice to stay with my mom. Right?

I know how it feels and it's terrible, so my heart goes out to you. Hopefully one of these days mom will tell dad to Sit Down And Shut Up.........Please. :)
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Does his behavior upset your mother? If so, having them at different facilities might be the answer. Is this different from the way he treated her in the past, or the same?
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