I was married for 36 years in a similar situation. He is not going to get any nicer. Age and infirmity only increase the abusive behaviors.
You have a right to a happy life where you will be treated well. It doesn't matter how long you have been putting up with his abuse, you have the right to leave an abusive spouse. Are you staying because you feel guilty or stuck? Would he take care of you if he were healthy?
You may be surprised at the support you will get. I thought everyone would hate me, instead nobody ever said I should stay with him. His doctor and social worker were very understanding.
His family may try to get you to stay because they won't want to take care of him. Their inconvenience isn't your problem.
IMPORTANT You didn't say anything about dementia, so he is capable of being in charge of his own care. My ex's social worker and psychiatrist both pointed out that I didn't need to feel guilty about getting a divorce. Your spouse doesn't need you.
Check with a lawyer. They have seen these kinds of situations before and can help you through it. Visiting a lawyer doesn't commit you to anything. My lawyer requires all clients to get counseling during the divorce process and it really does help.
After 36 years, I'm divorced now and I feel like my life is just beginning. I look 10 years younger and I feel healthier. I even feel taller and I wake up happy. Even with pandemic isolation, it's better than feeling trapped with an abusive spouse.
Whatever you decide (stay or go) I wish you the best in life.
You may want to weigh your options first. Do you think he is ready for LTC? If so, Medicaid will allow you to split your assets with his half going towards his care and when its gone you can then apply for Medicaid. You remain in the home, get a car and get enough monthly income to pay bills, taxes, etc. Just giving u the basics here.
Or, maybe you husbands always been abusive but its worse now so divorce is the best thing. Marriage was never that great. Or, you just can't take it, which is OK. We all do what we need to do to cut those ties.
I would see a lawyer to help work out the best way to go.
Obviously you know how to file for divorce; you call an attorney & you file the paperwork. I get the feeling you're asking a different kind of 'how' question here............kind of like 'how can I BRING myself TO divorce my husband of 40+ years' after he's become abusive due to a stroke? If so, I think you have to realize that you're not saying you don't love him anymore & that's why you're filing for divorce, but that you cannot live with the abuse you're being given by him anymore. That's a very different matter, and one you should not HAVE to live with or subject yourself to, stroke or no stroke. It's like forcing yourself to live with a demented elder who's become physically violent because you feel like, somehow, it's 'not his fault' even though he's using you as a punching bag. That person needs to be placed in a Memory Care facility and it sounds like your DH needs to be placed in a similar facility, perhaps a Skilled Nursing Facility where he can be cared for without abusing YOU anymore. Would that be another option so you don't have to divorce him but could go on with your life, free from abuse?
Whatever you decide to do, please DO get out of this abusive situation, one way or another. Nobody should live with abuse, even if the person who's acting out is ill and has no control over his violent behavior. It's still not okay.
You were given some straight up answers. If that is enough for you and it certainly could be then you have your answers. I could be very wrong but I have the sense that this is more difficult for you since a stroke is involved. Otherwise you had 40 years to leave yet you didn't. I am not faulting you. I realize it can be frightening to leave a situation that is set in ways possibly finding some small points of hope when they might exist.
It is rare for behaviors to improve after a stroke. I have seen how my mother's personality changed and continues to as her health has spiraled downhill. I found her odd before. Now she is just blank. I never thought I might long to see who she was once more.
I hope you can extricate yourself. You don't deserve to continue to be mistreated. You don't give much information so I find it hard to offer more and I am certainly not one here on this site with the most information for a situation. I just hope you can love yourself and find some plan for your husband while freeing yourself.
Almost all states are no fault divorce. That is to say you are free to file for divorce for any reason, including irreconcilable differences, any time you wish to file. You likely should not leave your home. You should file and request divorce with division of assets. It is up to other family to care for your husband when you are no longer married to him, and his half of the assets can go to his care. You do not need to be his POA or his conservator. The State can take charge of filing for conservancy or guardianship if he needs care and is incompetent to do so himself, and other family doesn't wish to step forward.
You have a right to a happy life where you will be treated well. It doesn't matter how long you have been putting up with his abuse, you have the right to leave an abusive spouse. Are you staying because you feel guilty or stuck? Would he take care of you if he were healthy?
You may be surprised at the support you will get. I thought everyone would hate me, instead nobody ever said I should stay with him. His doctor and social worker were very understanding.
His family may try to get you to stay because they won't want to take care of him. Their inconvenience isn't your problem.
IMPORTANT You didn't say anything about dementia, so he is capable of being in charge of his own care. My ex's social worker and psychiatrist both pointed out that I didn't need to feel guilty about getting a divorce. Your spouse doesn't need you.
Check with a lawyer. They have seen these kinds of situations before and can help you through it. Visiting a lawyer doesn't commit you to anything. My lawyer requires all clients to get counseling during the divorce process and it really does help.
After 36 years, I'm divorced now and I feel like my life is just beginning. I look 10 years younger and I feel healthier. I even feel taller and I wake up happy. Even with pandemic isolation, it's better than feeling trapped with an abusive spouse.
Whatever you decide (stay or go) I wish you the best in life.
Or, maybe you husbands always been abusive but its worse now so divorce is the best thing. Marriage was never that great. Or, you just can't take it, which is OK. We all do what we need to do to cut those ties.
I would see a lawyer to help work out the best way to go.
Whatever you decide to do, please DO get out of this abusive situation, one way or another. Nobody should live with abuse, even if the person who's acting out is ill and has no control over his violent behavior. It's still not okay.
Good luck!
It is rare for behaviors to improve after a stroke. I have seen how my mother's personality changed and continues to as her health has spiraled downhill. I found her odd before. Now she is just blank. I never thought I might long to see who she was once more.
I hope you can extricate yourself. You don't deserve to continue to be mistreated. You don't give much information so I find it hard to offer more and I am certainly not one here on this site with the most information for a situation. I just hope you can love yourself and find some plan for your husband while freeing yourself.