Can you share the reasons why you feel guilt for this? I sold my dad’s home, it was definitely emotional as there were many happy memories of good times there. It was also the next logical step to take, so I didn’t experience guilt for doing so. If the money from selling is needed to provide care for your mother, then this is you looking out for her best interests and advocating for her needs, and that’s certainly nothing to feel guilt about. There will be sadness that mom won’t live in her home again, my dad very much loved his home, but life inevitably brings changes, this we cannot prevent. I wish you peace
Not enough details, I will assume that your mother is going into a home of some sort.
I am one of those people who do not understand the usage of the word "Guilt" a self-imposed emotion that keeps one stuck, allowing the person in many cases to procrastinate and not do what needs to be done for the welfare of their LO.
To me an over used Buzz word of the 21st century.
To me, it is grief and fear that would apply. I grieved selling my father's house, but it had to be done, it was no longer doable for him to live there alone. I grieved cleaning out and selling my mother's house as well, but she needed to go into AL.
My father passed 13 years ago, my mother at age 98 is still alive and loving living in AL, wishing she would have done it 10 years before and I was afraid that she would not like it, go figure. I had no guilt as I knew it was in her best interest to sell the house and free up the funds for the AL, going on 4 years now, it was indeed the right decision.
I wish you the very best and encourage you to change your thinking grieve and move on.
Don't stay stuck, don't over think this transition in life, it is the progression of us humans living much too long.
You either buy the house yourself or, if you can't afford to do so, realize it has to be sold in order to finance your mother's care in her old age. What should "guilt" have to with a financial matter?
I understand how you feel. My mother moved to AL 2 1/2 years ago and hated it and wanted to go home. But then she fell three weeks in, while at the AL place, had a head injury, and had to go to MC because she couldn’t take care of herself. Even though she has dementia, she still misses her home and doesn’t remember that we sold it to help pay for her care. Also, we knew she could never live there alone again and couldn’t afford in home care. She had a long term care policy that wouldn’t cover in home care. Her house sold after she was in MC and we had to clean it out, knowing that she kept thinking she would go back there someday. She mentions it occasionally now and thinks she’s in a hospital temporarily. I have so many happy memories of times spent with her in that house and it is very hard to think that we’ll never be with her there again. I think the guilt I felt was because I knew she never wanted to leave her house, even though she had reached a point where she could no longer live alone. The other emotion I’ve struggled with is grief, knowing that the life we had together as a family, as our mother and my brother and I knew it, is over. I think your feelings are very normal. It’s an ongoing process. Just remember, everything you’ve done has been from a place of love. ❤️
This isn't something you did with malice. You didn't cause the problems your Mom had. You can't fix them. And you are responsible now to do the best you can for her needs. If selling the home was something that fell in that category, so be it.
Change out those G-words. "Guilt" assumes responsibility, and you aren't responsible for what your Mom is facing. GRIEF is the better word, and words do matter. You are grieving all the losses, and further saddened that you have to have a part in the losses at all.
Please allow yourself the sadness and the grief. All of this is worth grieving, and I join you in being just so sorry for all you are going through.
I'm going through the same thing right now. As others have said don't call your feelings guilt but grief. You are grieving what you have lost and will lose.
My mother's home was my home until I left at 23. It is filled with memories, stuff, and just the sense of "it's home." If the same is true for you then you are grieving a lot of things and that's ok-just don't let it keep you from doing what must be done.
I assume that you are selling the house to finance her care like many on this forum have needed to do. You are doing nothing wrong just something that can be incredibly difficult but it's for the right reasons.
The living are more important than an object even if that object has great emotional value.
Guilt is self imposed. If you needed to sell it to pay for her care than it had to be done. If your Mom has Dementia, then she has no idea what you needed to do. At 73 I have found life is ever changing. Do I like the changes, no, but its what it is. We need to do what needs to be done and move on. Things never stay the same.
Didn't have any guilt as had no choice. Mom needed the money for assisted living and she didn't seem to care or least knew she had no choice as she couldn't live in her home. Her house did sit empty for over a year and was too much for us (children) to keep up. It wasn't the house we grew up in so had no attachment. I did feel bad she didn't have much choice over her belongings...and where they went.
You keep talking and purge here. These people on this site give great advice... Sift through the responses, and you will find the right answer for You.
Guilt always comes in one form or the other. It's not fun... We have to take care of our LO's so, is it the selling of mom's house, or the placement of mom that makes the guilt? For me, it was both... This was really hard for me to grasp.. it's over and I am still feeling the guilt...I keep saying the Wall of Guilt... because it goes up quickly, and hard to take down.
Please do not feel guilty.. You will get through this..
I am one of those people who do not understand the usage of the word "Guilt" a self-imposed emotion that keeps one stuck, allowing the person in many cases to procrastinate and not do what needs to be done for the welfare of their LO.
To me an over used Buzz word of the 21st century.
To me, it is grief and fear that would apply. I grieved selling my father's house, but it had to be done, it was no longer doable for him to live there alone. I grieved cleaning out and selling my mother's house as well, but she needed to go into AL.
My father passed 13 years ago, my mother at age 98 is still alive and loving living in AL, wishing she would have done it 10 years before and I was afraid that she would not like it, go figure. I had no guilt as I knew it was in her best interest to sell the house and free up the funds for the AL, going on 4 years now, it was indeed the right decision.
I wish you the very best and encourage you to change your thinking grieve and move on.
Don't stay stuck, don't over think this transition in life, it is the progression of us humans living much too long.
Lots of good advice here.
Her house sold after she was in MC and we had to clean it out, knowing that she kept thinking she would go back there someday. She mentions it occasionally now and thinks she’s in a hospital temporarily.
I have so many happy memories of times spent with her in that house and it is very hard to think that we’ll never be with her there again. I think the guilt I felt was because I knew she never wanted to leave her house, even though she had reached a point where she could no longer live alone.
The other emotion I’ve struggled with is grief, knowing that the life we had together as a family, as our mother and my brother and I knew it, is over.
I think your feelings are very normal. It’s an ongoing process. Just remember, everything you’ve done has been from a place of love. ❤️
I guess this is called the SUPER COMBO: G&G GUILT & GRIEF... :(
it' hard to wrap around....
You didn't cause the problems your Mom had.
You can't fix them. And you are responsible now to do the best you can for her needs. If selling the home was something that fell in that category, so be it.
Change out those G-words. "Guilt" assumes responsibility, and you aren't responsible for what your Mom is facing. GRIEF is the better word, and words do matter. You are grieving all the losses, and further saddened that you have to have a part in the losses at all.
Please allow yourself the sadness and the grief. All of this is worth grieving, and I join you in being just so sorry for all you are going through.
My mother's home was my home until I left at 23. It is filled with memories, stuff, and just the sense of "it's home." If the same is true for you then you are grieving a lot of things and that's ok-just don't let it keep you from doing what must be done.
I assume that you are selling the house to finance her care like many on this forum have needed to do. You are doing nothing wrong just something that can be incredibly difficult but it's for the right reasons.
The living are more important than an object even if that object has great emotional value.
Good luck.
Sift through the responses, and you will find the right answer for You.
Guilt always comes in one form or the other. It's not fun... We have to take care of our LO's so, is it the selling of mom's house, or the placement of mom that makes the guilt? For me, it was both... This was really hard for me to grasp.. it's over and I am still feeling the guilt...I keep saying the Wall of Guilt... because it goes up quickly, and hard to take down.
Please do not feel guilty.. You will get through this..
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