Since beginning of this year we have moved in with my in-laws (92). We have a Garden Cabin to have our private lounge and a small bedroom in the bungalow and we are sharing the bathroom and kitchen.
My father in-law is a very controlling person and obsessed with time and they are both stuck in their habits. My father in-law also has really aggressive moods. I really struggle to deal with that. Once he told me off as I wasn't hanging the washing on the line in the right way, another time he told me he could not eat the food I cook and the last time he blamed me that I was throwing their stuff away!! This was because he couldn't find where he put it. A few weeks ago he booked a taxi which arrived late and he was shouting and the neighbors could hear him using the F-word so many times and he wished my mother in-law dead, bless her.
Last week I was really depressed and at the moment I have to stay out of their way I just can't coop with it. I can see it hurts my mother-in law as she loves the company. He is just sitting in his chair playing Mahjong on his tablet the whole day. If she says something he says well that is the only thing I can do and I need my brain going. He even puts programs on the TV that my mother in-law doesn't want to watch and he keeps on playing. She is allowed her Emmerdale and Coronation Street but then he starts watching videos on his Ipad on a high volume so she still can't hear her favorite program. It just feels like kids bullying so sad as in July they celebrated their 70th Wedding Anniversary.
As they are not my own parents I do struggle. I also have the feeling that the whole family (his wife, my husband) are scared to say something and my husband told me off as when I did when he blamed me of throwing his stuff away he was shouting at me and told me to Piss Off and locked us out of the house so we had to sleep in the cabin. My mother in-law had to talk to him for 2 days before he apologized.
Some advice would be appreciated, thank you in advance
If you are going to live there you may have to ignore things. It is HIS home and you are the interlopers. When he tells you your doing something wrong, ask him how should you do it. Or tell him he can do it. Maybe use the "grey rock method" in dealing with him. Let him sit on his tablet all day if it keeps him from bothering you. Take MIL out to get away. If FIL ever gets violent where he hits any of you, call the police and have him Baker acted.
Your MIL has no idea how to use a remote? These are not new technology. And if your there why can't you turn the TV on for her?
I'm confused...there is a cabin to have as a lounge and a bedroom in the bungalow. Are the bathroom and kitchen in the bungalow? Is that where your ils sleep? You have to share 1 bedroom with the inlaws?
What do you mean your H told you off?
How did you and your H come to move in with his parents? Did you give up jobs to do so?
Are there other siblings?
What is the financial situation of your ils? Is it expected that you and H will become their fulltime caregivers at some point?
we are not sure if my mother in-law has dementia as she never had an assessment. At times we also think that she might be acting to keep him sweet.
We feel like my father in law and probably my mother in law both needs to be assessed but how do we get them to the doctor as my father in law keeps on saying that there is nothing wrong with him. A week ago he told his other son that he never felt better. If you could see him, he is underweight and very unstable. He is diabetic and the amount of sugar he takes per day is ridiculous all the cakes, ice cream, biscuits, custard we wonder if the high sugar intake could cause the aggressive moods. We have tried to talk about the food but they just keep on going eating crap food, hardly any vegetables and fruit. Just a lot of toasties and fried food, chips etc. Again are you going to tell a 92 year old what to eat?
There is a TV in the bedroom but my mother in Law would not know how to switch it on and I don't think he would allow her to sit in the bedroom watching her programs. The other week we got her in our cabin so she could watch Strictly as he needed to see something else (whilst playing his game on the Ipad)
Just so difficult and it hurts me and my husband to see. My mother in law already said that she had enough of life and just wants to go. They don't get really excited about anything anymore. So sad as they just had a new great grandson last Saturday......
I do think that at some point he needs to be assessed. We are not sure if his moods are from high sugar intake (his is diabetic) or signs of dementia.
Problem is how can we get him so far to do this as in his opinion there is nothing wrong with him, in fact he is saying he never felt better!
I don't want just walk out as I know my mother-in law needs the help and she knows. She keeps on saying I don't know what to do without having you here. it is just difficult.
We do think that he might need an essessment
Another thing that happens whenever an adult child moves in with their parent(s) is that the adult once again becomes the leader of the household, and the grown child is viewed as a kid, and what do us kids know? It can become a battle on how things get done around their house. Sometimes it is just easier to do it their way then get upset.
Sounds like Dad-in-Law may be starting to go down the dementia road himself.
Is there anyway that Mom-in-law can have her own TV in another room in the house? Then she can watch her favorite programs.