How do I address my Mom telling people we don’t visit or take care of her?

Get a guest book for visitors. She may feel alone, dementia is very mentally isolating. You can go over the list of people (including yourself) that has come to see her.

You know you are not that person and that’s all that matters. My mother has said some stuff about me to my sister and to a caregiver, I just laugh it off. I am a much better person than she gives me credit for being.

I know this must be painful being falsely accused. You kind of got listen & observe at the same time. What if it was something going on? They have to respond rather than not respond & something happens. I'd communicate with my mother & leave the door open for what is being said. Communication is so important. Be open to what others are saying & what you can do better. Not two people are a like. Be open to what is abuse. For example I have a mother that's in the care of another sibling. The sibling moved the parent out of her house to another residence. My mother could stand and use a walker b4 she was in the care of the other sibling. She.was confined to the bed.with the bed rails up, and.when she had to use.the bathroom she was told to pee in her.diaper. Cleanliness was important to my mother my mother would grabbed the rail with her hands until her shoulder locked. Even if you have to take.her to the bathroom, sit her on the bedside comode, bed pain, etc she has right to relieve herself. It was more convenient for the sibling to not hire a aide only her friends and some family that she can control. A patient tends to deteriorate when you take that freedom away. So I'd be open to listen to Why whoever felt it necessary to do a APS case. Know.what neglect is. Sometime if u have.no medical experience its hard to decided what abuse/neglect is;listen to others, and accepting to those that are trying to help. My Mother has plenty of $s to hire an Aide. My mother should be sat up and in a chair some of the days. It decreases your mental status especially with a Dementia patient. So I end by saying communication with all in your family is important. Be open.to changes. The sacrifice is going out your way to give.the best care of your family member that has plenty of experience that u refused. You may not want.to get her up, personal hygiene, communication, bathroom, etc but you are responsible for.the care. Hope all gets better, but you'd b e surprised what can be accomplished with communication & willingness to bend.

Why do you need to “address” it at all? She is loopy, she tells lies, and…well, that’s what a lot of old people do. Shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes (both very good exercises!) and let the old gal blather away. Nobody important to you will pay any attention to her nonsense, and if they do, tell them to mind their own beeswax!

Why would you extend financial and other support to someone who slanders you?

Read up on F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

And take three giant steps back. Especially if she's "always been this way" and docs are telling you "no dementia" which sounds like it's "just" mental illness

There are a couple of ways you can handle this.

Confront her in front of the aide she slanders you to or anyone else she does the same with. Put her on the spot and force her to explain why she tells lies about you.

Or

You could tell her plainly in there words:

'Mom, I will not be coming around anymore and I'll only be calling you once a week. This means I will not be here to do your shopping, banking, or to take you to doctor's appointments or anywhere else.
I'm taking this action because I do not want to make a liar out of you.
You go around telling anyone who will listen that I do nothing and don't help you. So now you're going to get a taste of what living like you tell everyone you do is really like'.

Then take a BIG step back. Call her once a week and maybe go over the house for coffee (when her aide is there) once a week or so.

My mother tells anyone who she sees that she doesn’t receive meals at her Memory Care.

She receives 3 meals a day, and snacks WHENEVER she wants them.

She doesn’t remember eating, ever.

She clearly eats, because she keeps gaining weight.

With my mother, it’s dementia. With your mother, it may be something I diagnosed that gets in the way of “truthful” reporting.

If this is new behavior, then she needs to see her PCP for a good physical. Labs need to be done to see anything physical is going on. Your Mom could be having mini strokes. And if she needs a caregiver, she needs a higher level of care like an AL. If Dementia is found Memory Care.

If someone says something to you about her lies, just say "I am there every day. We have noticed this problem and are taking her to her PCP for an eval" If you find Dementia us at play, you say that "well seems like Mom is showing some cognitive decline and confabulation is one of the signs".

At 95 years old and acting the way she's acting, I'd be shocked if your mother does NOT have dementia! Speaking badly about your wife and saying hurtful and obviously untrue things to and about you are strong signs of dementia. Telling people you never visit her when they KNOW differently clearly shows her logic and reasoning is suffering. Who'd knowingly get caught in a lie otherwise?

See if you can get mom a mini cognition test at her doctors office, like a MoCA or SLUMS test. Her score will indicate where she falls on the cognition impairment scale.

You say mom recently came out of the hospital which means she's likely taken a step down with her cognitive functioning. Neither of my parents went to the hospital without suffering hospital delirium or in moms case, taking a step down with her dementia. It goes with the territory.

Insofar as dealing with her hurtful comments, do let mom know how her words are affecting you. I'd leave my mother's presence when she started getting ugly and I'd tell her why, too. There's no need to do ALL you're doing for the woman AND bear the brunt of her foul mouth at the same time. Tell her so. She'll get the hint in short order that my son means business with what he says.

My grandmother would say this about my parents. They would visit weekly driving the 100 mile round trip. But to hear her tell it she never saw them.

If you are going to be blamed for the crime might as well commit it. Let your mother know that you are on to her and if it gets back to you again that you heard she said you never visit, you will in fact stop.

I just thought of something. My father would say I never VISIT him. My daughter told him that I saw him all the time. He said that was true but I never VISIT him. You see the minute I get there he puts me to work so that no longer counts as a 'visit'. So after I have spent the last hour doing a bunch of chores for him, no I am not going to now sit and chat with him. He got an hour of my time and he decided on how to use it.

I’m assuming that you had a quality diagnosis, done by medical professionals skilled in geriatric behavior, to determine that “She does not have dementia”, right?

I'm going to echo Fawnby - are you certain that she doesn't have dementia - or some other form of mental/capacity decline/illness?

I ask because we have known that my FIL was an undiagnosed narcissist for years. We began to suspect that he also had dementia probably 2-3 years ago. The behaviors you are describing fit both of those diagnoses. He would literally tell people that the grandchildren never visited - while the children were RIGHT THERE. The kids would have gone in to visit him - he would ignore them until they left the room - and then we would hear him get on the phone with his friends or his sister and he would tell them that his grandchildren never visit or call - or that they were visiting (SIL and BIL were living there as well) but wouldn't have anything to do with HIM.

He still currently tells anyone who will listen that we never visit him in the nursing home we had to move him to after caregiving at home became impossible. And that no one ever calls him. While he is over an hour away from all of us - we make it a point to visit regularly - and DH and SIL attempt to all him daily - I say attempt because the key factor of him picking up is what prevents them from talking to him. They sometimes have to call 10-15 times before he will actually answer the phone for a whole host of reasons (which he can never explain - but its never his fault). But according to him - no one ever visits or calls.

I agree - if this is new behavior - get her checked first for a UTI. They can mimic dementia. And while doing this - have the doctor check for other reasons this may be happening.

How do you know she doesn't have dementia? It presents in many ways, and unfortunately, this is one of the things that dementia patients do.

Report this behavior to mom's PCP. Ask if mom can be tested for a UTI, which often causes strange behavior. The PCP can administer short tests to mom, and if these results show problems with mom's thinking, you'll understand mom better and can plan for her future.

So you have a not very nice mom.

I would seriously limit time spent with her. Your sister might be able to help with that as it sounds she is ahead of you in understanding that playing slave to Mom doesn't get one anything but slave-status. No one respects the slaves.

See to it that you NEVER EVER take this woman into your home nor move into yours. Leave her to her own devises and let her hire her own care as she sees fit and let her hire her own careGIVERS as she sees fit. If you believe she is not caring for herself safely call APS for wellness check on her and let them know that you will not be involved as a caregiver, POA, or anything else.

Your sister is right. You are enabling your mother in her ungrateful and selfish lifestyle. Pull away and get on with a quality life dealing with people who care about you.