I am retired, I want to travel and have an active social life. My mother does not qualify yet for financial assistance in her care, and has very little money of her own to cover non-family caregivers to give me a break.
you should get basic free help from the council, morning, afternoon and evening, the 15 min medication drop ins, half to one hour if needed in the morning for shower, breakfast and medication and an evening visit to help your mum to bed and give medication, ask your mums doctor to refer your mum to the social department ( if you haven't already done this) and for her to be assessed for the free help that everyone gets, check this out online. For extra help for someone to clean her home or spend time with your mum like a companion, if your mum does not have the money to pay and siblings can't club together for this help then if your mum owns her own property maybe you could re mortgage part of your mums property to pay for help, not ideal but would give you back some free time and peace of mind if you are not around. good luck
I'm re-posting part of a Orchid's missive - this is the national need that is becoming daily a more serious need as elders become the largest population. What are we doing as a county to care for "us" as we age? (Almost nothing). This info doesn't necessarily help an adult child manage their elder parent needs NOW although political advocacy is needed (my response follows)
". . . The change that needs to take place is within the community and within our medical care system. It is unfair both to the adult children and the aging parents to ignore these problems as "family issues." They are not. They are public health issues. Medicare and medicaid must be reformed so that it is much easier for the elderly to get the care they need from trained professionals. Communities should fund both day care and residential facilities for elderly persons who can no longer care for themselves. . . . "
* While there is no easy answer, with Covid, most travel is not advised. I believe the question and focus needs to be on stress / anxiety management and learning to take small 'time outs' be it a few hours to a day to a weekend.
* Contact local universities, nursing and social work school programs and see if they have internships or if you could post a sign on a bulletin board looking for care (in exchange for letters of recommendation and experience).
* As the issue may come up, learn how to deal with guilt. Re-affirm that you deserve quality of life and that your mom needs care. It isn't one or the other, it is both.
* Check out counseling centers as interns need hours of experience (like 4,000-8,000 hours to become a psychotherapist). Find an intern to support your mental health.
* Enlist neighbors and friends to lend an hour or a shift now and then.
* Contact local community groups to network. Book clubs, sewing circles, political groups, spiritual-church groups. The more you can reach out and network the more likely you are to get some support / help for you to have time off.
* Do see if your local state / county has a senior service component. Get all the contacts / referrals you can for government support. It might take some digging.
* Learn to breathe, deeply and slowly. Set your phone alarm for every hour to do a few deep breaths.
* Do five minutes of stretching.
* Do anything to shift from the routine of 'caregiving' to self-care. In a Alz seminar recently, it was stated over and over that every little step in the positive direction COUNTS. Knowing this makes it more encouraging to do 30 seconds of something. Gena
I realize this answer may not be for the poster. But, I hope it helps someone.
I have cared for my mom for almost 5 years. She is 89 and lives in her own home. Physically, she is healthy. Cognitively, she has a moderate decline. My partner knew what he was getting into with me, and took on the burden without complaint. I care for my mom, work part time (geriatric research), and am starting my own business. I am extremely lucky.
All that said, I work extremely hard to keep my mom as independent as possible, and have implemented many technology tools to help me help her. When she was driving I had an app on her phone so I got alerts on where she was. I have a video doorbell at her home that I answer. I monitor her heat and ac with a smart thermostat on my phone - we have a lot of "I'm cold. I'm hot." And she has an Alexa device that reads her daily calendar and reminds her to take meds, etc. When her TV goes out, I can have it play music which keeps her calm. Plus, she has a robust fall detection button.
I have implemented another half dozen lower tech things to help her stay independent, too: I make sure she has the specific, pre-packaged, frozen meals that she can cook.
I gave her pods when her shaky hand made measuring detergents hard.
I bought and taught an egg cooker for her hardboiled eggs because she isn't competent with a stove.
She has lighting that comes on when it is dark outside so she can see well
I bought her a robot vac to keep her home vacuumed.
Her world has become very small since March. Now, our big outings may be a weekly drive around town, or Friday night Family Dinner. I work hard to keep her brain active in a time with much less social stimulation. We do crafts, she plays games on her tablet, and I tell lots of jokes.
My advice: do everything you can to keep your parents safely independent. Fight the powers of the world to keep their routine, and don't do for them what they can safely do for themselves. My mom absolutely needs me, I know, which encroached severely on my life. But, what she needs is for me to implement the system for her to live her daily routine. Everything outside of the day-to-day, I manage behind the scenes, often remotely, which gives her independence and me peace of mind. Bills are auto paid. Meds are auto mailed. Her memory minders are set, and I get an alert if she falls, leaves the house, if a smoke alarm goes off, or someone is at her door. I can be sick for a day or two and know she safe and independent - priceless for my peace of mind! And, in truth, these tools don't costs a lot of money.
I encourage anyone and everyone to look into what they can do now, to set up high and low tech tools to keep their parents as independent as possible. And, yes, my partner and I are going to try a sneak away weekend in early December. That will be the 5 year mark with little more than a quiet dinner out; we need the break.
There is a lot of good information here. I wonder if you would be willing to provide the names of the devices you use, video doorbell, music on TV, fall detection button, egg cooker, lighting that comes on when dark, app which gives you alerts if smoke detector goes off or she leaves the house. I already use Alexa, automatic bill pay, heat not a problem since it is managed in the apartment, meds are mailed. Thank you for your consideration
When will your mother qualify for assistance? Find an NH for her care before you burnout. What would happen to your Mom if you got ill, injured or died? Please find the help your mother requires before it's too late or an emergency crisis happens that could leave both of you without help. Help is available. I pray you find it soon.
notgoodenough, whistling like a Disney Dwarf, I love ❤️ that answer!! I’ll have to remember that one. Now if only I could get my mother to let me wash her hair, lol.
". . . The change that needs to take place is within the community and within our medical care system. It is unfair both to the adult children and the aging parents to ignore these problems as "family issues." They are not. They are public health issues. Medicare and medicaid must be reformed so that it is much easier for the elderly to get the care they need from trained professionals. Communities should fund both day care and residential facilities for elderly persons who can no longer care for themselves. . . . "
* While there is no easy answer, with Covid, most travel is not advised. I believe the question and focus needs to be on stress / anxiety management and learning to take small 'time outs' be it a few hours to a day to a weekend.
* Contact local universities, nursing and social work school programs and see if they have internships or if you could post a sign on a bulletin board looking for care (in exchange for letters of recommendation and experience).
* As the issue may come up, learn how to deal with guilt. Re-affirm that you deserve quality of life and that your mom needs care. It isn't one or the other, it is both.
* Check out counseling centers as interns need hours of experience (like 4,000-8,000 hours to become a psychotherapist). Find an intern to support your mental health.
* Enlist neighbors and friends to lend an hour or a shift now and then.
* Contact local community groups to network. Book clubs, sewing circles, political groups, spiritual-church groups. The more you can reach out and network the more likely you are to get some support / help for you to have time off.
* Do see if your local state / county has a senior service component. Get all the contacts / referrals you can for government support. It might take some digging.
* Learn to breathe, deeply and slowly. Set your phone alarm for every hour to do a few deep breaths.
* Do five minutes of stretching.
* Do anything to shift from the routine of 'caregiving' to self-care. In a Alz seminar recently, it was stated over and over that every little step in the positive direction COUNTS. Knowing this makes it more encouraging to do 30 seconds of something. Gena
I have cared for my mom for almost 5 years. She is 89 and lives in her own home. Physically, she is healthy. Cognitively, she has a moderate decline.
My partner knew what he was getting into with me, and took on the burden without complaint. I care for my mom, work part time (geriatric research), and am starting my own business. I am extremely lucky.
All that said, I work extremely hard to keep my mom as independent as possible, and have implemented many technology tools to help me help her.
When she was driving I had an app on her phone so I got alerts on where she was.
I have a video doorbell at her home that I answer.
I monitor her heat and ac with a smart thermostat on my phone - we have a lot of "I'm cold. I'm hot."
And she has an Alexa device that reads her daily calendar and reminds her to take meds, etc. When her TV goes out, I can have it play music which keeps her calm.
Plus, she has a robust fall detection button.
I have implemented another half dozen lower tech things to help her stay independent, too:
I make sure she has the specific, pre-packaged, frozen meals that she can cook.
I gave her pods when her shaky hand made measuring detergents hard.
I bought and taught an egg cooker for her hardboiled eggs because she isn't competent with a stove.
She has lighting that comes on when it is dark outside so she can see well
I bought her a robot vac to keep her home vacuumed.
Her world has become very small since March. Now, our big outings may be a weekly drive around town, or Friday night Family Dinner. I work hard to keep her brain active in a time with much less social stimulation. We do crafts, she plays games on her tablet, and I tell lots of jokes.
My advice: do everything you can to keep your parents safely independent. Fight the powers of the world to keep their routine, and don't do for them what they can safely do for themselves.
My mom absolutely needs me, I know, which encroached severely on my life. But, what she needs is for me to implement the system for her to live her daily routine. Everything outside of the day-to-day, I manage behind the scenes, often remotely, which gives her independence and me peace of mind. Bills are auto paid. Meds are auto mailed. Her memory minders are set, and I get an alert if she falls, leaves the house, if a smoke alarm goes off, or someone is at her door. I can be sick for a day or two and know she safe and independent - priceless for my peace of mind! And, in truth, these tools don't costs a lot of money.
I encourage anyone and everyone to look into what they can do now, to set up high and low tech tools to keep their parents as independent as possible.
And, yes, my partner and I are going to try a sneak away weekend in early December. That will be the 5 year mark with little more than a quiet dinner out; we need the break.