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Contact a county social worker to help your mother get independent.
Helpful Answer (5)
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Good Morning,

First of all, you are a wonderful child, I assume a daughter.

Something that concerns me though is the stove? Has your mother been evaluated by a doctor. Your mother is young and going through a divorce can be extremely stressful. But I feel something is amidst here.

You can still love your mother but give her options. Sit her down, hold her hand and tell her some things need to change. Perhaps, you could start with one small thing at a time. Of course, I realize the rural situation means you are not on a bus route.

The phone apps you have to be careful with. Sometimes loneliness can get a person into trouble on a device. Get Mom out of the house, fresh air, exercise. What about a garden?

We are both on the same page--the Y swimming, Church, etc. A part-time job is good. This is Wedding/Commencement Season, what about working part-time at a flower shop?

Simply tell her in a loving way--things cannot continue this way. Some changes are going to be made. Give her things to do, folding laundry, setting the table, snipping string beans. Old-fashioned chores.

Sundays have the Church people do a visitation. Your mother is only in her 50's. You don't want to live the next 30 years like this. Everyone will miss out.

Volunteer work is also a wonderful thing to do. Every place needs help today. You meet so many nice people. There are so many worthy causes. Even delivering flowers to a hospital rooms is very fulfilling.

Bottom line--get Mom a good pair of sneakers and get her out of the house. If you continue like this on this same path, you will get more of the same.

Most people in life seek happiness, they chase after it, BUT, what one really needs in life when they get up in the morning and their feet hit the ground is "purpose".

Serving others gives one "purpose" in life. For your mother's own good and your marriage and don't be afraid to have kids, things need to change.

Your mother needs purpose and she is so very fortunate to have someone like you who seems very mature.

You are in my prayers...I hope I was of some help. Make small changes consistently over time and by next year looking back you should see progress!
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Wow..a 24 yr old should not have this living arrangement. In my opinion she may need mental health intervention. And perhaps cognitive assessment..There are affordable housing situations for people her age. Check with HUD if needed.
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You have already gotten very good advice. I think that the time for a polite conversation about your mom's living situation has passed.

What you should have is a conversation in which you tell her what will happen and that it's not up for discussion. She won't like it and you'll likely hate doing it if it's not how you normally handle things but it's ultimately the best for everyone.

As others have said you have allowed your mom to become dependent on you. Now help her and yourself get your independence back.

Good luck.
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bianca12 May 2023
Your mom is VERY young, as are you. It sounds like you will need more help and guidance and support with this issue than can be provided here.. I would recommend you finding a therapist for yourself through a community mental health center or through a psychology today provider in your community. This person may be able to help you set boundaries with your mother, and also may help you find supportive services for your mom in your community. Your situation now is untenable, and will only worsen if you do not find ongoing support. Best wishes to you..,
(6)
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Kalicat, welcome!

Did your mom have a normal life (school through at least H.S., job of some sort and family) prior to her divorce?

Or was she always "slow" or limited?

She does not sound like someone with normal intelligence as you describe her right now. The question is, is this a life long disability or is it a new development?

Do you attend her doctor visits with her?
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Your mother is not that old! She's been sponging off you all this time when she could have been working, saving money, making friends and traveling with them. This did not need to happen. You know that now, right?

You're only 24 with your whole life ahead of you. If you continue with this, your mother will drag you down and ruin all your prospects, your hope, your happiness.

If she has dementia, she needs to be in a place where she has 24/7 care, so you must find that out. IN NO WAY SHOULD YOU OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF HER UNTIL SHE DIES IN YOUR HOME! That could be 40 more years and it's hell taking care of a dementia patient at home. And there's no reasoning with dementia patients, so stop trying if that's the case. I mean, stop. You are wasting your breath.

As for the in-law apartment, no way. She already doesn't like the idea of living alone, and it would create more problems than you have now.

I'm very sorry for your predicament, but what I see here is that you worry too much about mom and not enough about you. She's put you in a miserable position, she's manipulated, used you, financially abused you and - well, you think you love each other a lot, but people who love their children don't take advantage of them. The whole point of raising kids is to help them to get to the point where they are independent and can live their best lives. Sad to say, but your mom didn't do that.
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Kali cat ,
Much good advice here. Be brave . Getting your mom out of your house and independent or appropriately placed depending on what the doctor says is necessary for your life .
You and your fiancé deserve the chance to have your own life and home. All of you are too young for this arrangement with Mom living off you .
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Hi Kalicat - actually lealonnie and funkygrandma just elaborated all great points and feedback - and I agree with it all !! I hope you read over their messages - over and over to really sink in!

I think the only thing I can add is.....OMG, I understand you had the best intentions to help your mother at the time, but in essence, it enabled her to become totally dependent on you...you've literally removed any reason for her to have purpose in her life - to have a livelihood and earn a living - and handle her life as the adult...because you have allowed her to sit back and be taken care of! It's just about the worst thing you could do for her own future! So, in knowing that, just understand that flipping this around and "undoing" all of this is for her own benefit.

It's a hard call to say it to her "politely" - but I understand it. When it came to my own parents years ago, I also had that problem of not directly saying things because I couldn't find a delicate or polite way, and believe me, they full took advantage, and it only hurt me in the long run. So, if it's easier to convey whatever you need, you can fib a little to be more comfortable in discussing...such as, you can tell her that you can't build the house for her on your property due to zoning laws, or city regulations, or financial constraints, or whatever you come up with! And you can spin it in a positive for her to gain employment...such as, she'll have independence, earn money, her days will be more fulfilling, her brain will keep active, etc - whatever it is, she should still be working at 55 yrs old and expanding her life. And she can't live in your house with you and your fiance - and you can "politely" explain that this arrangement was only temporary and it was never an option because you want her to enjoy her own space and her own life, separate of yours. Your fiance may have gone along with this arrangement, but it'll eventually negatively affect the relationship with him.

The incentive for you doing this - and quickly - is ask yourself if in 40 Plus Years, you want to be on this Aging Care Forum talking about your 95 year old mother who used you all these years and never moved out!
Wishing you all the very best in this!
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bundleofjoy May 2023
"ask yourself if in 40 Plus Years, you want to be on this Aging Care Forum talking about your 95 year old mother who used you all these years and never moved out!"

right! oh my goodness...imagine 40 years on AC forum...
(7)
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First take mom to the doctor since you said you thinks she’s dangerous alone with a stove , and driving.
Go from there to see an appropriate place for her to live BUT NOT WITH YOU .
Like the others said low income apartment , with access to public transportation to hopefully a job.
If the doc says she can’t live alone ask for help with a social worker for possibly a group home situation , where she could possibly take the bus to some sort of job for other adults with limitations .
If she has dementia , social worker can help with placement for that .
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Because ur young I am going to explain Social Security to you. Your Mom will be able to collect 100% when she is 67. SS only goes back 35 yrs from when u apply for SS. So at 67 SS only looks at Moms earnings from 32 up. Lets say that Mom does not work the next 12 yrs. Her SS will be based on 23 yrs of earnings. Now, if she was married to ex over 10 yrs she will be entitled to half of her Exs SS but may not be enough for her to live on.

You should have never allowed her to live off you. She should be supporting herself. Paying u rent. Even if you don't feel you need the rent, you could set up and acct for her (without her knowledge) for something she may need in the future.

I agree that you need to get Mom to the doctor and get her a good physical. Mom should not be like this at 55. You are so disabling her. And her friend, he is not your problem. Your Mom and he need to understand you will not be allowing them to live with you and not to look to you for any financial help if they plan on living together. They will be on their own.

Why do you not have locks on your bedroom door and the bathroom? Where was Mom raised where it was OK to walk into a couples bedroom and into a bathroom someone is using.

Your Mom is really young but there is early onset Dementia and ur Mom is displaying some symptoms. She should have a Neurological work up to. Print off what you have written and make sure tge doctors she sees get a copy, Once Mom gets a physical, you can then make plans on getting her independent.
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You have created and/or allowed for a situation where a young woman of 55 years old is 100% reliant on you for all of her needs and now want to know how to "politely" ask her to become independent? I don't know, is the answer to that question, since she's been treated like a small child up until now! Furthermore, she's hooked up with another dysfunctional adult male who requires care and maintenance as she does. This is a recipe for disaster for YOU if you're not very careful!

The last thing I'd do is move her or the bf onto my property, but away from it and into her own place where she can live however she sees fit. As an adult. And where you can live as as a 24 year old should be living......free from the burden of such a needy mother weighing so heavily on you!

Help her find low cost housing, a car and then get set up in the new place with food, supplies, etc. Get her an appointment with her PCP for a full medical workup to see if there's a reason for her memory issues. If she refuses all of this, see a lawyer about issuing her an eviction notice. My half sister had to do that very thing w her 38 year old deadbeat daughter who won't lift a finger to help out and has lived free of charge w her, jobless, all these years. She created the situation and had to hire a lawyer to get her OUT of it.


Enabling a person to this degree actually winds up disabling them, my friend. Once you allow your mom independence, she will discover what she's capable of. Until then, she's capable of nothing that's not done FOR her by YOU.

Best of luck to you.
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OMG!!! Your mom is ONLY 55 years old and you describe her like she's 90. Please STOP! Just stop!
She is using and abusing you and your fiancé, and if you don't change things soon the new boyfriend will using and abusing you too.
First, mom should NOT be living with you. PERIOD. Not in your house or a building on your property. It's time your mom grows up and starts taking responsibility for her own life.
She needs to get a job, a car, and her own place. There is low income housing available in all cities, so she can start there.
And you my dear, need to put your big girl panties on and let mom know that she has until the end of June to find her own place, and a job, as you won't be supporting her any longer. I mean really? Don't you think you've done enough up to this point? And wouldn't you and your fiancé like to be able to start your life together without mom hanging around and walking in on you?
It's mind boggling to me what some people put up with. You don't owe your mom a thing. You know that right?
And again, your mom is ONLY 55 years old. That's not old for your information. She has at least 10 more years that she should be working, and being a productive member of society.
So time to tell her that it's time to fly the nest and start spreading her wings on her own.
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DrBenshir May 2023
Can I second this? I am much older than Mom and still doing anything I need to and most of what I want to.

MOM has to get her big girl panties on and get a life. Your mother is not an old lady. She isn't even a senior citizen - she is middle aged and should be helping you get started in life!

If she can't take care of herself, she needs to go into assisted living. Make a plan to move her out as soon as she can be placed. If she doesn't like this plan she can get a job and make her own arrangements.
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